aibu - shouted at him for scoffing all the biscuits

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

lots of other stuff going on, and he has form for this. a little background, live overseas. went to uk in november, dm spent her hard-saved pennies buying him a whole bunch of his favourite uk chocolate. also bought the family in general a few boxes and tins of nice m&s biscuits.

bring it back. he took most of the chocolate and gave it away to his parents and brothers... i was pissed enough at that, as my dm doesn't save her money to buy treats for his family.

we've now started eating the biscuits. first box was m&s chocolatey biscuits - brought them out at dessert so everyone, him, me and ds can share. everyone has 1 or 2. then when no one's looking he goes back and eats 2-3 more by himself. so when i bring it out after dinner the next day the box is half gone.

just opened a tin of nice m&s shortbread (the ones they do for xmas time). i ate one last night. had to take sick dog to vet this morning, get back and half the tin is gone!!!

ffs, why can some people not control themselves and scoff the lot, when there are three people in the house who'd like to have some? i've now told him if he can't control himself and think of the other people in the house who'd like to have more than one out of the entire tin, don't have bloody any!

aibu? does this drive anyone else mad?

Good riddance, She!

Expat, seriously, though when he does that in public don't people pull him up on it? I sure as hell would! 'Oi, it's 3 per person. You need to put 3 back. That's so rude!'

I'm amazed at these stories. Me and the DH share everything absolutely 50/50, no discussion needed. At the max, we offer each other the last chocolate/biscuit if we're full. I couldn't stand someone who secretly scoffed everything.

I had a member of staff a bit like this.... gave me a twitchy eye to see him shovelling food into his mouth all day. Even tied a carrier bag to his desk to avoid him having to walk the 5 foot to the bin to dispose of his mountainous collection of wrappers and debris.

Did not endear....

The thing is, expat, that nobody would want it after he'd been fiddling with it.

My DH can be like this with biscuits. He is the worst with oreos. I buy loads of crisps (that I don't even eat) and a couple of packets of biscuits and chocolate and he used to eat the biscuits and chocolate first, then eat the crisps at leisure, knowing full well I wouldn't touch them. I made a big fuss one time when he devoured a full 2 packets of oreos within 24 hours. I kicked off big time! Told him it was totally selfish and that if he was going to continue being selfish I would hide them. I then told him that he owed me two packets of oreos and nagged him for a week to buy them. When he said I was overreacting I pointed out how it wasn't the first time he had left me without but left himself with plenty. He finally relented (whether to shut me up or because he saw my point of view) and now my biscuits are safer. However, there is a week rule, if I want to keep them longer than a week, hide them.

I think it is all to do with upbringing. I always mentally share things out. I was one of three children (the middle child) in a house where money was often tight and taking without asking could mean going without later. So there was great consideration into taking even a couple of biscuits. My DH however, is one of two, the eldest. He struggles with not having. His parents always gave him what he wanted, when he wanted. I see it when his mum visits, he resorts to man-child and sits on his arse waiting to be waited on, and she does it. It makes me sick. He is also responsible for a massive chunk of our debt because he has been unable to restrain himself from purchases he "needs". This is something he seems to be coming to terms with though. It has been hard though, I do have to educate him where I feel his parents failed to.

Cheers expat!

OP- is he this entitled with anything else, or is it just the food?

other expat - i have once or twice with close friends, and they looked at me like i was crazy because they didn't have the backstory. otherwise i don't a lot as i'm usually told i'm being too mean telling him off in public (about this and other things).

semi-related - we had my DS and family over, plus friends for a big holiday dinner. i prepped and cooked everything as i always do. he's useless at cleaning up. i'm busy taking all the stuff off the table after dinner, getting ready for dessert. i wasn't being totally anal - we had a small kitchen with very limited workspace at that time. in the guise of being "helpful", he went to wipe the table off before i was even done clearing it. the real reason? he was desperate to get into the dessert i'd made. i lost it on him in front of everyone because i knew why he was doing it, he was making my job harder, plus he basically wiped the crumbs onto the floor... which i would also end up having to clean later. not my finest moment, but looking back, i'm not that sorry.

SheRaaargh - i've got a few other threads going, "selfishness"/"thoughtlessness"/"entitlement" is a common theme.

Is it possible he has some form of eating disorder? Some people genuinely do have an addiction to eating, it's a compulsion. It isn't just "greed" some people actually have the same responses to food as smokers do to cigarettes or drinkers do to alcohol. They feel out of control and crave it, they have this overwhelming feeling of needing to eat even when not hungry. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't suffer from it, exactly how it feels. For me it is probably linked in to my OCD, for example, if i buy a 12 pack of crisps that are 4 bags each of 3 flavours, instead of having one bag, i feel compelled to keep things "even" and have one of each flavour at the same time. Treat food are also more appealing to the brain as fats and sugars are naturally craved by the body, hence why people who binge, binge on things like crisps and biscuits and the typical "treat" foods. I honestly sometimes feel so trapped by it, i try to not do it or eat healthily but it's all i can think about. I'll end up watching the clock, being bombarded with thoughts of "how long has it been since i last ate?" "how long do i need to wait til it's "acceptable" to eat something else?" "if i eat it now i can just wait longer after it til the next time i eat" and things similar. I've spoken to doctors about it previously and now i'm concerned about my health i'll be seeking help as soon as i can actually get a bloody appointment to see if theres some treatment for food addiction beyond just trying to not do it. (since unlike smoking or alcohol you need to eat to live so it's a harder addiction to just quit, if possible at all) I imagine it's similar to how people who are addicted to nicotine are with smoking, with it on their mind constantly about when can they have their next smoke, when is acceptable to take another smoke break if working, etc. I'm not the type who can have "just one" biscuit. I like the taste, i'm hungry, and i feel completely out of control to just eat one. i'll have that little voice compelling me to eat "just one more then i'll stop". I do however have an incredibly restricted life due to MH issues, housebound, cannot work, no family bar my dad and sister, no friends i see physically, no hobbies etc and the only thing i get any pleasure from is eating food i enjoy, which is probably why it's become an addiction. I would absolutely never eat all of something without offering some to my dad though, but we typically like different foods, its a very rare occasion one of us goes to the kitchen looking for something and the other has eaten it, and we always ask if it's ok to finish something.

My only other possible idea is could it be conditioning? Did he grow up in a household with inadequate food to make him feel full? You mention he was one of three, did they struggle financially or was food strictly controlled and he often went feeling unsatisfied or still hungry? Some people really don't get that the same portion size won't satiate everyone similarly. What is enough to make one person feel full won't make everyone feel full, and even if 2 people are full after the same meal one will feel hungry again sooner than the other. In households where food is strict people learn unhealthy habits with regard to bingeing. It could trigger him to feel the need to eat in excess when he can, especially if it is a food he likes. Over weight/larger people do tend to eat more than smaller people so if portions were the same for everyone he may have frequently felt hungry still but was expected to be full/satisfied with what he already had.

There is of course the possibility it is just greed. He will probably be embarrassed about you pulling him on it which is why he won't talk about it as a conversation.

Regardless of the reason, he does need to accept and adhere to the fact there are 3 of you and you should each get an equal share, and once his portion is gone he cannot help himself to everyone elses. absolutely no way should you have to lock up or hide food. If he is genuinely hungry he can eat something else instead of the treat food, and if he has a genuine problem with food control he needs to see a doctor.

Taking half the food meant for 4, and half the snacks at a party for 20 is way way beyond any realm of acceptable though, even if he has an actual food issue. More so if it is just "i want it so i'm going to have it and stuff everyone else"

He has an eating disorder called Selfish Dickhead.

expat Yep.

MissVictoria - i appreciate the thought you put into your comment.

to try to answer your questions succinctly:
he often does this after eating a full meal, often having had two full servings, so i don't think it's an "i'm hungry" thing. i totally get that sugary foods are addicting... but we have other sugary foods available. he also does this with healthy foods that he likes. (example, small veggie tray at a child's bday party - actually had to stop him from taking all the carrots and celery, about 15 kids plus assorted parents present).

conditioning - no... he was one of three, in an upper middle class family. no shortage of food. in fact, i'm the one who grew up worrying about eating food from the cupboard because i worried we were too poor. i actually remember specific instances where i debated sneaking food because i was hungry, and didn't because i thought we didn't have enough. because of this, i may want to binge eat on things i really like, but i control myself when there are others to be considered.

'he also does this with healthy foods that he likes. (example, small veggie tray at a child's bday party - actually had to stop him from taking all the carrots and celery, about 15 kids plus assorted parents present). '

I think he gets a power trip out of doing this. He knows damn well what he's doing, he's getting a kick out of it.

I have a binge eating problem and have often done things like this. Eaten stuff in household for everyone. And felt awful about it but the done it again..... I might well also give away any gifts of chocolate in a bid to avoid binging later.

I would not, however, openly take more than my fair share of food during a communal meal!

StatetrooperStacy

In his defence he possibly can't help himself. I couldn't if there was something in the house, even the kids selection boxes Halloween sweets and Easter eggs aren't safe. I think if you know he does this then but him his own stuff.

Um. Have you considered seeking support with this? I don't know what help is out there, admittedly, and I recognise it's easier said than done, but still. Eating your kids' Easter eggs isn't a joke.

I would also binge on "healthy" food, if in public and anxious (eg kids' parties!) or nothing "bad" available.

Plenty of people have binge eating/food issues who weren't deprived of food as a DC: in my household growing up there was free access to snacks (parents brought up with poor/little food and liked to keep stocks up!), and although I had always been greedy my problem started when "home alone" after school.

He got stuck into the wee kids veggies! Lol! What does he say when you pull him up on it Op? Does he understand how bad it looks?

expat - i take it as a purely selfish thing. if it's something he wants, won't stop himself taking it. wants to go on vacation with OW, why not, he wants to have fun (whole other story and yes, i'm doing something about it).

it's funny, if we have leftovers of a meal he doesn't particularly like (nothing objectionable, just not his preference), and i make it clear i'm not cooking anything else, he basically won't touch it and will go without dinner (then later binging on junk, crackers and crisps) to avoid it.

Titania - i had to do it really quietly as half the people there were his work colleagues (i know the mum as our kids went to school together coincidentally). just gave me his sulky child told of face and stopped taking them, but the damage had already been done... and yes, there was plenty of other food available there.

Well, he knows he can binge later on addictive foods.

He might just be a selfish, greedy git.

Or he might have binge eating problems. Sounds like he might to me. It can be hidden for many years, relatively easily.

But hang on: you say there are other issues, including cheating?

Is overeating perhaps "the final straw"?

Oh my gosh he is so childish. He just likes taking other peoples food, even if its meant for little kids and he makes the family look bad, well himself look bad, not the family.

Yep, this attitude would be a big issue for me, I would have shouted too when he took the posh biscuits with his previous. You are a patient woman!

It's greed, pure and simple. It's shocking to see because generally people try to hide it, knowing it's a really horrible trait.

Sounds quite compulsive. I have bulimia and compulsive eating is really shit but you can't help it. If you do think that could be it please get him some help.

I hear you OP. The British biscuits are precious because once they are gone it's not like we can just go out and replace them. My DH is like this and I just absolutely hate greed and gluttony, they are completely selfish and deeply unattractive traits.

I agree with imperial. Its just greed. People with eating disorders tend to be suffering and torn up about it in my limited experience. He doesn't give a flying fuck.

Surrey - there are many many straws. don't want to derail but i'm in a weird situation (trump is not helping matters) where i haven't figured out my exit strategy yet. just lost my cool this morning when i got back and realized he'd done it again.

Feartheliving - i really don't think it is compulsive eating. it has come up in our marriage counselling as being an issue along with his terrible table manners, he literally has nothing to say when asked why.