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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not turn up to my "surprise" baby shower

66 replies

Spaghettihead1 · 30/01/2017 12:02

I don't like baby showers.
All my close friends and siblings know my feelings about them, and to let it be known if anyone mentioned organising one for me that I don't like them, so please don't.
I have just been given an heads up by a friend that my lovely aunt has organised a surprise one for me next month.
My DS has told DA l don't like them but apparently she's not listening.
What do I do?
I'd like to tell her i appreciate the thought and ask her to cancel it But I'd hate to hurt her feelings.

I do find my predicament a little bit funny, so any humorous ideas of how I can get out of it are welcome.
But I suppose I'm just going to have to cringe my way though it.

OP posts:

Trills · 30/01/2017 12:06

What is it that you don't like about them?

If what you don't like is "having your friends and family gather together" then there's not a lot you can do, but if what you don't like it "games" or "pink and blue themes" then maybe you can drop some strong hints about how anyone who organised anything like that clearly did not know you well and was not very bright or observant" in order to steer it away from those things.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2017 12:08

I'm with you. I don't think they are great ideas either, but think you just have to go along with it.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 30/01/2017 12:09

If you know when it is you just invent an antenatal appt for that day.

Wtfdoipick · 30/01/2017 12:09

Claim you will be away for the date she has picked. Talk enthusiastically about how you are looking forward to getting away just you and your husband before the baby arrives so she's left with no choice but to cancel. Of course when it comes to it you can just feel too tired due to pregnancy to go giving you a perfect excuse for not actually going away.

Lweji · 30/01/2017 12:10

Just go.
Maybe deal with it humorously instead of avoiding it.
Maybe they will make it fun, who knows?

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 30/01/2017 12:11

What don't you like about them?

My work done a "surprise" one for me before maternity leave and it was a cake, just chatting/laughing with them, a few brought baby grows, and they all guessed girl/boy. I was actually really enjoyable

WorraLiberty · 30/01/2017 12:14

Just be honest.

Tell her it was a very kind thought and you're extremely grateful, but you've always disliked baby showers, so please can she cancel.

There's no point in telling lies to get out of it, as you're bound to get found out.

PlacidPenelope · 30/01/2017 12:18

What is you don't like about them? All the ones I've been to have just been a gathering of friends to chat, eat and drink and hand over presents to the mum to be, which would have been given anyway, in one hit rather than in dribs and drabs. All of them were just a very pleasant social gathering.

Pinkheart5915 · 30/01/2017 12:18

What do you think you won't like?

On Mumsnet baby showers do get a lot of slagging off but in the real world I've never been to one that was anything other than lovely.

Mine was arranged by A friend in secret, We had a very impressive cake. Fruit juice cocktails. Few small baby gifts ( rattles, hand print kit, knitted blanket) They guessed the baby weight/tried to guess what name would be chosen. All in all it was a bit of fun with good friends

CripsSandwiches · 30/01/2017 12:26

I would let her throw you a party/small gathering but put your foot down about gifts and cheesy games.

museumum · 30/01/2017 12:34

I'd agree to the party bit (so long as it was just a tea party with friends) but would strongly put the word out that I really really don't want presents. Maybe even hint that you subscribe to the superstitions about presents before the birth being terrible bad luck?

Catherinebee85 · 30/01/2017 12:39

Maybe go, but choose the element of it that you hate the most (for me it would be terrible games) and deal with the rest of it graciously. I don't like them and wouldn't want one but in principle they're a nice idea. It could just be a nice day with all the ladies who love you xx

needmymouthsewnup · 30/01/2017 12:40

I would love to know how many of the baby shower haters on MN have actually been to one, or if they just repeat the 'grabby/Americanised crap' mantra as a matter of principle.

Like others have said, I have been to quite a few now, and they have been nothing more than a lovely evening with cake and food, a few 'games' (guess the name/weight, decorate a baby grow...etc) and some people brought small gifts, some didn't, but there was certainly no expectation of gifts. I did bring gifts, but for me, that was in lieu of the gift afterwards, so it's no more 'grabby' than anything else.

OP, if you really really don't like the idea, I'd just tell her up front you'd heard she was doing this and you'd rather not have one, but to be honest, I'd be inclined to go along. You never know, you might actually enjoy it.

Bunnyfuller · 30/01/2017 12:41

Just go and be grateful. It's one afternoon or evening of your life.

KERALA1 · 30/01/2017 12:42

Someone is doing something nice for you because they love you. Life is too short honestly. Stop being sneery and too cool for school. I didn't have one but went to my American friends one it was lovely - group of interesting fun women chatting and drinking tea what's not to like.

Viviennemary · 30/01/2017 12:43

I'm not keen on baby showers either. But it would be mean just not to turn up if somebody has gone to the trouble of arranging one. If you are set on not going then you must tell them.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/01/2017 12:46

I agree with you. I don't doubt their intentions are very well meaning. However it seems that you've always been clear on your feelings about them. Its not like you've banged on and dropped subtle hints about what a fab idea it would be, and then said last minute after all the money time and effort has gone in. Oh I hate baby showers.
Some people thrive on/feed off attention and the lime light. For others its their worse nightmare. I'd die of embarrassment if I walked into a room and people popped out shouting surprise. Its just not what I'm about. I cringe at anytime of attention
Your wishes should have been respected

Celticlassie · 30/01/2017 12:46

I can't give any helpful suggestions about how to get out of it - sorry - but completely understand you now wanting to go to one. I hate the idea of celebrating a baby who hasn't been born yet. I'd never buy a present for a child who has not yet been born safe and well and would hate being given presents before my baby's born.

Redpony1 · 30/01/2017 12:47

The worst part of baby showers is games, i hate playing them - it's like forced fun. If it was just gift giving, food and a general get together it would be so much nicer.

ScruffbagsRUs · 30/01/2017 12:48

I would just keep myself busy and not go. I would state that I had made it clear that I do not like baby showers and will not be attending.

If you don't turn up, and your aunt has gone to a lot of trouble to cook party foods, then she has no-one else to blame but herself for going against your wishes.

Not a baby shower, but I felt that my 30th was ruined because I had told my mum on numerous occasions that I didn't want a party or presents. She had a surprise party for me and I was not pleased to be dragged to an event I didn't want. Had I not gone, my younger brother would have been on the phone giving me dogs abuse about the effort mum went to. It wasn't my fault she refused to listen to me. Going to all that effort was her doing and hers alone, so she couldn't blame anyone else if she decided to disregard my wishes.

Wtfdoipick · 30/01/2017 12:50

Just go and be grateful. It's one afternoon or evening of your life.

And this is the reason to lie. Nearly everyone has basically said suck it up, do something that you have been clear you don't want to do. Fuck that, you have every right to say no I am not going. Can you do it politely and sensitively? Probably not because you aunt didn't listen when your sister told her, do you think she will pay any more attention to you?

WheresTheEvidence · 30/01/2017 12:53

My friend went into hospital with concerna when we arrived at her baby shower.

TheProblemOfSusan · 30/01/2017 12:55

Are you funny about celebrating because the baby hasn't been born yet? Because I would be - I suffer horribly from magical thinking about this sort of thing and I would be afraid of tempting fate. I would have to ask the aunt to cancel once I'd found out, on these grounds.

To be clear, I know this is nonsense but I am superstitious/anxious about this sort of thing despite being otherwise rational.

And if you don't feel the same as me then, well, could it be an excuse? You could say you'd still enjoy an evening with friends but not as a shower.

bikingintherain · 30/01/2017 12:59

I live internationally and when I was pg with DD had a lot of friends concerned that I would get a good shower.

I said I didn't want one. I made it very clear I was not being polite. I did not want one and would be mortified if I had one. I laid it on really thick, because most people assumed I was being shy in asking for one. I've been to several, some better than others but for me being the centre of attention would be awful. I also had to teach people not to rub my belly

Then they wanted to know what they could do, so I said they could cook me meal after DH went back to work. They organised a rota and I was really grateful.

crickeycrumbsblimey · 30/01/2017 12:59

When I was pregnant I went to another friend's baby shower with my best mate. She asked me if I wanted a baby shower as she would organise one if I wanted. I said definitely not, which she thought anyway.

She didn't organise one as I am adult who knows her own mind and she respects that.

I would tell your aunt you are grateful she has thought of you like this but you would prefer to have a lovely lunch just with her x

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