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Original poster

To not turn up to my "surprise" baby shower

66 replies

Spaghettihead1 · 30/01/2017 12:02

I don't like baby showers.
All my close friends and siblings know my feelings about them, and to let it be known if anyone mentioned organising one for me that I don't like them, so please don't.
I have just been given an heads up by a friend that my lovely aunt has organised a surprise one for me next month.
My DS has told DA l don't like them but apparently she's not listening.
What do I do?
I'd like to tell her i appreciate the thought and ask her to cancel it But I'd hate to hurt her feelings.

I do find my predicament a little bit funny, so any humorous ideas of how I can get out of it are welcome.
But I suppose I'm just going to have to cringe my way though it.

OP posts:
TimTamTerrier · 30/01/2017 13:01

I don't agree that someone does a thing that you have made clear you don't want 'because they love you', and that you have to go along with it for that reason. If they know that you don't like something and they do it anyway it's because they want to do the thing and that outweighs their love for you.

OhhBetty · 30/01/2017 13:11

Could you ask for it just to be a get together with cake or something? Specify no games or presents. I would hate a baby shower due to having lost a baby in late pregnancy and I feel it's tempting fate.

I do feel as though if you have said you don't like or want one, then your aunt is organising it more for her than for you.

Good luck with the pregnancy Flowers

Ordinarily · 30/01/2017 13:16

Could you get a friend to say to her "oh no, I've found out she really doesn't like baby showers, but I know she'd really appreciate a get-together for an hour or so when baby is a few weeks old"? Or whatever you would prefer?

TheWrathFromHighAtopTheThing · 30/01/2017 13:18

I don't love them either, but your friends are doing something they think that you would like, so the kind thing to do would be to smile nicely and say thank you.

Refusing to attend would be the equivalent of handing back a present because it's not your kind of thing.

dontpokethebear · 30/01/2017 13:18

I think the point is that you have made it clear that you don't want a baby shower. Yet you are being told that you should go along with it, to be 'nice'.
I think you are going to have to approach your aunt and say that as much as you appreciate the sentiment, it is just not for you and that you had thought you had made your feelings clear.

KlingybunFistelvase · 30/01/2017 13:20

I had an actual surprise baby shower and I, (hate myself for this as it's such a cliche), was so touched I cried! It helped that it was arranged by my very best friends, was a genuine surprise and was only about 5 people there, all of whom I love dearly no in laws. A big party would have embarrassed me a little, but I'd have probably just grinned and born it. The one I ended up with was just lovely.

As yours isn't going to be a surprise any more, and since you're quite sure you don't want one, then I'd strongly advise you be honest and kind (as I'm sure you would be) with your aunt. I'm sure I'd appreciate the honesty. If everyone knows your going to hate it apart from the aunt then it could maybe end up all sniggers behind hands at the party, even if not meant maliciously, people might struggle to keep a straight face, which would be far more hurtful to the aunt I think. She probably thinks your just being polite or it's all bravado saying you hate showers etc. Imo you need to tell her politely that you really don't want one, much as you love that she thought of you.

KlingybunFistelvase · 30/01/2017 13:20

You're going to hate it*

Scribblegirl · 30/01/2017 13:21

Stop being sneery and too cool for school.

I'd like to tell her i appreciate the thought and ask her to cancel it But I'd hate to hurt her feelings

OP is definitely not being 'sneery' or 'two cool for school' Kerala1 Hmm Different people like different things, is that too difficult to understand?

OP, I think you should approach your aunt and very gently ask her to call it off. But if it were me I'd probably wuss out and just go along with it for her sake!

Scribblegirl · 30/01/2017 13:21

*too

KlingybunFistelvase · 30/01/2017 13:21

You're just being polite*. I don't know it that was me or autocorrect!

seafoodeatit · 30/01/2017 13:25

It's a bit passive aggressive to me, I'm going to hold one for you so you'll attend and pretend to be happy whether you like it or not, it makes it sound like it's for them rather than you. You need to speak to DA directly, say that you're very greatful that she wants to throw one but that you categorically do not want one, thanks but no thanks.

seafoodeatit · 30/01/2017 13:25

grateful*

EddieStobbart · 30/01/2017 13:27

Can you get any info on what she has planned? I had two "baby showers" (one a complete surprise) and have been to several and they are nothing like the ones discussed on MN - it was just a scone and a chat with the odd box of chocolates. The attitude was more "you're likely to be out of the loop for the next few weeks so here's a chance for a get together" with no focus on baby gifts which is what I gather is the point of the type of shower imported from the US. I didn't know games could be a feature until I read about it later on MN.

EddieStobbart · 30/01/2017 13:29

Games would have been horrific, I'd never go to a baby shower again if that happened.

Rubies12345 · 30/01/2017 13:29

Ask her to change it into a tea party.

MissMrsMsXX · 30/01/2017 13:31

Baby showers

Grabby
Grubby
Awful

And then there's always the tempting fete bit.

JunosRevenge · 30/01/2017 13:34

Can't believe the number of posts telling you to suck it up and go, OP.

If your DA knows your feelings and has planned the baby shower anyway, what she's saying is that her wishes are more important than yours. She's making it all about her.

I would refuse to attend. No need for any subterfuge.

Willow2016 · 30/01/2017 13:36

Kerala
If you catagoricaly tell people that you dont want something and then they do it/get it for you they are not thinking about you they are thinking about themselves and what they are getting out of it - "I am doing this fabulous thing for you" "None of your friends did it aint I great"? "You should be grateful to me"

Stuff that I can think of nothing worse than a baby shower and would think my family or friends didnt know me at all if they organised one.

A get together over a coffee or a meal, fine but that would be it. If other people like them its fine, whatever they want but to force something on someone who doesnt want it is purely selfish.

GeordieShorefg · 30/01/2017 13:46

I would say go AWOL.

Baby showers are really bad taste

BonnyScotland · 30/01/2017 13:48

NOPE.. I hate surprises.... don't go...

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 30/01/2017 13:48

I would go AWOL too.

Original poster
Spaghettihead1 · 30/01/2017 13:53

I don't like the grabbyness of the expectation of gifts. Or that gifts are given before baby has arrived safe and well. The cheesiness of the games and competition between friends of who bought the best gift (although most of my friends aren't like that)
I'm certainly not sneery, or ungrateful. I do get that she's doing a very nice thing for me and knowing her, she'll be doing the full works for me.
Most of the people going know my feelings about babyshowers, so I know they'll all be wondering how I'll take it when I walk in.
I very much doubt I'll speak to DA about it. I don't think anything could be said with out feelings being hurt. And I don't feel its a big enough a 'thing' to cause upset over.
I will just have to suck it up and go along with the pretending to not know about it and fake it.
I've been to one before (funnily enough it was DA's DD) only because I felt I had to. I've managed to avoid going to any others.

I just wanted to hear other people's thoughts on it really.

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 30/01/2017 13:55

I agree with you. I think baby showers are a very American thing to do, and I also think they are very tacky. I wouldn't go, any kind of suprise party relies on the person who is being surprised actually being in the right place at the right time, there is no reason at all why you couldn't be somewhere else that day. And beware of involving anyone else in your alternative plans ie husband taking you for a nice meal that night as he may be in on the surprise. I bloody hate surprises ... can you tell? Congrats in advance for the new baby.

MrsHathaway · 30/01/2017 13:57

Why does she get to annoy and upset and steamroller you, but you mustn't under any circumstances annoy her?

Genuine question.

Why do your feelings come last?

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 30/01/2017 14:01

Baby showers as done in America are mostly fine. It seems that a lot has got lost in the transference to Britain, hence the tackiness often found over here.

JunosRevenge Mon 30-Jan-17 13:34:24

Can't believe the number of posts telling you to suck it up and go, OP.

If your DA knows your feelings and has planned the baby shower anyway, what she's saying is that her wishes are more important than yours. She's making it all about her.

I have to say, this is my own thought as well. And you say in your OP that your DS has already told her you don't like them, and she hasn't listened. Time for your DS to be more firm with your DA, perhaps?

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