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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my new boyfriend is actually in love with his work colleague

359 replies

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 21:48

I've known him a year now, met him when he had a girlfriend and once they split he got chatting to me on facebook and asked me on a date. We ended up dating and I've now met his family. He is obviously the type of guy who doesn't like to me alone as he's had three longterm relationships and after each longterm relationship he's started a new relationship weeks later. But it didn't bother me too much as he did seem genuinely over his ex and each relationship he's had has lasted over 3 years.

So he told me about a leaving party for an old work colleague but warned me that one of the women there had the hots for him so if he seemed off with her that was why. Sure enough when he arrived he avoided being around her and made a big point of holding my hand and showing her it was me he liked. Then one of the group got drunk, put their arm around the work colleague and told her she was beautiful to which my boyfriend showed visible distress. Before she was leaving he stopped her and told her to contact him if she needed anything.

A few months later we put our relationship on facebook. A lot of people liked it but the work colleague didnt. I saw on his facebook that a few days later he messaged his work colleague asking her a question I knew he already knew the answer to. I think he might have wanted her to see his profile picture and to know we had made it faceook official and that we were together. She replied saying she didn't know the answer to the question and hoped he was well. He never replied.

But he has searched her very regularly. He has searched her more than he has searched me or his ex put together. Infact he's only looked at his ex's profile once since they split.

Also, if she is an unwanted admirer surely you wouldn't message her? And although he has only messaged her once, that doesn't mean anything. If he likes her a lot he's probably be considering messaging for a long time but only just got the courage.

She has only messaged him once and that was a few days after mine and his first date and it was strictly about work. He did reply to her first message but not subsequent ones.

She has liked one of his profile pics but it's clear she's never initiated any contact or written any comments on his wall.

I'm now pretty sure she has never made any moves on him, and looking at her she is gorgeous so I can't see her being in love with my current boyfriend eventhough he is good looking.

If you're in a new relationship and in love, why would you be searching an old work colleague you've not seen for a while and messaging them? Why would you desire them to see you're in a relationship and comment on your facebook?

My best friend is the only one I've spoken to about this, and she said he asked you out. It's out he's interested and not to worry. If he liked her he would have made some kind of move. He hasn't so isn't interested.

I just get the feeling that if she messaged him now to say let's go for a date. He would say yes. He is too scared to ask her out so is trying to get her to ask him/show interest in him.

AIBU|?

OP posts:
tooclosetocall · 29/01/2017 23:51

This still going?

OP, you are saying he hasn't asked her out (as if you are certain about that) and yet you don't know for sure, at all.

And 'he likes me the best'. Seriously? Hmm
Well if you have to convince yourself...

ProphetOfDoom · 29/01/2017 23:54

MN can get exasperated I know and a little pouncy but when a poster is feeling vulnerable and trying to articulate something and then gets a bit scared/defensive at what comes back, it's more important to be kind, even if handing out tough love. I've been the recipient many times of love and kindness on MN & my own gut says the OP needs some of that.

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 23:54

Did you ever see Andie Macdowell on Richard & Judy years ago? She was soooo rude.

Littleballerina · 29/01/2017 23:57

I highly doubt this will be a long term relationship.

ProphetOfDoom · 29/01/2017 23:59

Thank you Mummyoflittledragon, that's kind and I do understand.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/01/2017 00:02

If the OP wanted everyone to say 'there there' she would have been better off posting in relationships. It sounds like a fucked up situation

Bunnyfuller · 30/01/2017 00:08

I say check his Instagram, Twitter, Tinder and maybe Grindr. Who KNOWS what liking or winking could be going on. Or he could decide a real relationship would be fun. I honestly cannot believe this thread - is this my eldest DC - IS THIS YOUUUUUU CHILD? YOU TOLD ME 12 WAS TOO YOUNG FOR BOYFRIENDS AND YOU HATE BOYS ANYWAY! Get to bed!!!

twattymctwatterson · 30/01/2017 00:13

This is bizarre. You've done a total 180 op. It's like you've felt the need to make up a whole load of stuff to justify that your boyfriend of 5 mins isn't in love with a girl who you felt was in love with him 2 mins ago, enough to the point that you've been going through his fb messages, checking his search history and the number of times she's liked any of his posts/pics. It sounds like the girl barely registers your boyfriends existence tbh and you sound a bit deranged

MyDogEatsBalloons · 30/01/2017 00:23

I think you should get his name tattooed in your neck.

TrickyBiscuits · 30/01/2017 00:25

The problem with all of this, OP, is that if you are actually right in all of your assumptions it does mean that your boyfriend is unkind, ungracious, immature and astoundingly rude.

There was really no reason for him to act like that at the party, what did the poor lass actually do to deserve that?

Sounds like a right knob tbh.

Beelzebop · 30/01/2017 00:29
Grin
Insomnibrat · 30/01/2017 00:31

Oh, OP. I won't pounce on you but seriously, there's rarely smoke without fire.

I'd say trust your gut and cut your losses here, look what it's doing to you! This will make you ill.

Your own peace of mind and happiness is worth more than anything.

Bunnyfuller · 30/01/2017 00:32

And snapchat.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 30/01/2017 00:34

doubt he's asked her out. But maybe she's shown disinterest in other ways. He was in a longterm relationship when he knew her ...............When he said he was single on facebook she saw as he'd liked one of her posts and then she messaged him

How do you know all this ??Confused

maras2 · 30/01/2017 00:36

Is that you Sharon? or mario91
Does this Adonis T.REX in Tesco?
Blast from the past. Grin

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2017 00:37

OP, with the deepest respect:

Please grow up!

needmoregin · 30/01/2017 00:45

Wow if this is all you have to worry about.. 😂 GROW UP ✌🏽️

ilovesooty · 30/01/2017 00:51

I think TrickyBiscuits has summed it up.

Penfold007 · 30/01/2017 07:12

So wilted was the OW in his previous relationship and she now knows he can't be trusted. Single mum is, in fact, a red herring.

Miserylovescompany2 · 30/01/2017 07:16

Might I suggest you read all your posts OP. Because it sounds as if you are trying to convince yourself.

Reverse everything he's said. Concentrate on his actions. Could he be the one that made a move whilst he was still in a relationship? Could he be the rejected party? Was he trying to show her what she was missing whilst making OTT acts of affection with you. When he realised it wasn't working and someone showed her attention he made a POINT of going over to her...

The changing of his FB status to single was for her.

The children bit (not wanting any) is a red Herron. Or he doesn't want any with you?

There are 3 people in this relationship...well that's what he wants you to believe.

Does she seem the mad stalker type, has she repeatedly messaged him? Nope...she deleted him from whatsapp probably because he was making her feel uncomfortable. He's the one who has initiated contact...

Four months in, it doesn't paint a pretty picture.

contrary13 · 30/01/2017 07:27

You don't trust him.

He's in love with someone else.

Single mothers are also women.

You're incredibly immature.

So is he.

This "other woman"? This single mother? Might actually be more grown up than you and your boyfriend put together, and - to be quite honest with you, OP - deserves better than either you (a stalker) and him (someone who uses women to get what he wants) do.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2017 07:31

Well it sounds like he does fancy her yes, however that doesn't mean he will act on it. It also sounds like you know this, you reconginised it intuitively and that's what's kicked this behaviour off. However this behaviour is far from normal and not ok.

I'd personally recommend you focus on your own issues first and foremost, to be so utterly obsessed in this manner, actually checking his internet search history and messages etc is seriously concerning behaviour. You need to deal with those issues, extreme jealousy, insecurity, obsession, I'm not sure, but what you're doing is not ok in anyone's world. Your comments that you don't care you just need to know if he fancies her kind of say it all really.

I can't see this relationship lasting, your obsession with him and inability to have a normal relationship is bound to drive him away.

RebelRogue · 30/01/2017 07:35

You are 4 months in and already in some kind of weird "competition" with another woman,which you' e convinced yourself you won.
I find it ironic that you found his behaviour concerning enough to justify stalking on facebook,and start a thread demanding to be be told what it all means,but now you're explaining away his behaviour . You didn't get what you needed from this thread so you just made up your own answers.
Honestly,you've been with him 4 blooming months! It should not be this hard or confusing.

GetAHaircutCarl · 30/01/2017 08:04

He sounds a ridiculous man.

He's all over you at a party, not out of love and lust but to 'show' an ex colleague he's not interested.

He ignores to the point of being rude, then gets visibly distressed when someone else compliments her and jumps in to offer random help with her dissertation ( having blanked her all night).

He then contacts her asking her a question he knows the answer to.

Why is he behaving like this towards her? It's either a crazy crock of shit and he's in love with her ( as per the thread title) or he's just a really nasty piece of work.

Postagestamppat · 30/01/2017 08:51

This is why I am glad that Facebook, or indeed the Internet or mobile phones, weren't invented when I was young. It encourages obsessional over thinking IMHO and evidenced by the OP.

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