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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To think my new boyfriend is actually in love with his work colleague

359 replies

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 21:48

I've known him a year now, met him when he had a girlfriend and once they split he got chatting to me on facebook and asked me on a date. We ended up dating and I've now met his family. He is obviously the type of guy who doesn't like to me alone as he's had three longterm relationships and after each longterm relationship he's started a new relationship weeks later. But it didn't bother me too much as he did seem genuinely over his ex and each relationship he's had has lasted over 3 years.

So he told me about a leaving party for an old work colleague but warned me that one of the women there had the hots for him so if he seemed off with her that was why. Sure enough when he arrived he avoided being around her and made a big point of holding my hand and showing her it was me he liked. Then one of the group got drunk, put their arm around the work colleague and told her she was beautiful to which my boyfriend showed visible distress. Before she was leaving he stopped her and told her to contact him if she needed anything.

A few months later we put our relationship on facebook. A lot of people liked it but the work colleague didnt. I saw on his facebook that a few days later he messaged his work colleague asking her a question I knew he already knew the answer to. I think he might have wanted her to see his profile picture and to know we had made it faceook official and that we were together. She replied saying she didn't know the answer to the question and hoped he was well. He never replied.

But he has searched her very regularly. He has searched her more than he has searched me or his ex put together. Infact he's only looked at his ex's profile once since they split.

Also, if she is an unwanted admirer surely you wouldn't message her? And although he has only messaged her once, that doesn't mean anything. If he likes her a lot he's probably be considering messaging for a long time but only just got the courage.

She has only messaged him once and that was a few days after mine and his first date and it was strictly about work. He did reply to her first message but not subsequent ones.

She has liked one of his profile pics but it's clear she's never initiated any contact or written any comments on his wall.

I'm now pretty sure she has never made any moves on him, and looking at her she is gorgeous so I can't see her being in love with my current boyfriend eventhough he is good looking.

If you're in a new relationship and in love, why would you be searching an old work colleague you've not seen for a while and messaging them? Why would you desire them to see you're in a relationship and comment on your facebook?

My best friend is the only one I've spoken to about this, and she said he asked you out. It's out he's interested and not to worry. If he liked her he would have made some kind of move. He hasn't so isn't interested.

I just get the feeling that if she messaged him now to say let's go for a date. He would say yes. He is too scared to ask her out so is trying to get her to ask him/show interest in him.

AIBU|?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/01/2017 23:35

I am embarrassed for you, op

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 23:36

Quark You would look through someone's phone because you are nosey? Seriously? I wouldn't do that because it's none of anyone's business what's on someone's phone. Honestly I don't think that's normal in any way so I can see why you are sympathising with the OP.

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 23:36

Oh ssshhhh AF she's just getting it all off her chest Smile

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 23:36

pieface never tried that... ^^

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 23:36

I doubt he's asked her out. But maybe she's shown disinterest in other ways. He was in a longterm relationship when he knew her and loved his girlfriend at the time so would not have asked her out. They only split once him and work colleague had already stopped working together. When he said he was single on facebook she saw as he'd liked one of her posts and then she messaged him.

He's with me now anyway. So we shall see how it goes.

He will hopefully forget about her.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 23:37

And Quark it's not about being secretive - it's about respecting people's privacy

unfortunateevents · 29/01/2017 23:37

He is acting like a teenager I agree - pot, kettle???

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 23:38

You do that Livia, then love me forever Smile

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 23:38

Well you have the prize OP so that's lovely. I'm sure you will continue to snoop on his social media and you will have years of suspicion and distrust ahead of you...

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 23:38

So say she hasn't outright rejected him. If he really likes her, why wouldn't he have asked her out?

Because that is the sticking point for me. If we say he hasn't asked her on a date, if he liked her, he would. Why would he not?

This will genuinely be my last post. Sorry for the massive rambling I've done.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 23:38

pieface If it works then I will Grin

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 23:39

Shagging and dating are two different things

SpartacusWoman · 29/01/2017 23:39

If he was messaging you when he was with his ex, innocent as it was, are you doubts coming from worry that he could start messaging her at some point? Like he did with you when he was in a relationship?

At this point in a new relationship it's meant to be all fun and happy, if you are doubting him and checking on him to the point you know how many times he's searched specific people etc this will only get more and more intense. If he's caused such a dramatic change in your personality so soon into the relationship, its not good.

Did he not seem suprised when when you asked for his Facebook password? or did you steal it and he's unaware? If it turns out to be nothing I'd still work on your issues as you find yourself in the same place and obsessively checking further down the line, when he's late home from work etc.

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 23:40

Don't be daft op, it's your thread, ramble all you want and hopefully it will all become a bit clearer - seriously.

BillyButtfuck · 29/01/2017 23:40

Your behaviour is hideous and they are Friends with benefits and starting to get feelings/jealousy which they won't admit as it goes against the 'just sex' code.

Jellybean83 · 29/01/2017 23:41

I'm still laughing at 'Facebook official' 😂😂

ProphetOfDoom · 29/01/2017 23:41

OP, I'm an old gimmer and listen to my fair share of love angst from the younger generation so might be a tad more understanding than some who are toying a bit with you [as my cat does with mice].

I asked my question before because if this suspiciousness is totally and utterly unlike you, what is the point continuing with a r/ship as it is that has you doubting and questioning - 4 months in? You deserve so much better & I'm worried you're setting yourself up for heartache down the line. Unless he's 6ft 4, hench & coated in Dairy Milk, no man is worth your own sense of self-worth or your peace of mind.

A good relationship has you feeling safe and secure - is built on respect and trust - and this one has you eating yourself with concerns about where his true feelings lie. 4m in is perhaps a bit early for declarations of undying love from him but you should get a sense that it's you he's got firmly in his sights.

I can sense your reluctance to hear anything to the contrary - we all want to believe well of people we have feeling for, but you don't want to find you've wasted the one life you get with someone unworthy of your love. Be sure and confident in the one you love.

Even if my every word has you rejecting the ideas I might be planting, at least have a very frank and open discussion with him. You owe yourself that. And if your gut twangs further, definitely definitely listen to it.

I wish you well OP.

ilovesooty · 29/01/2017 23:42

Quark no wonder he's an ex. I bet he got sick of having his privacy invaded.

reuset · 29/01/2017 23:43

He's with me now anyway. So we shall see how it goes. He will hopefully forget about her.

Well that doesn't sound like much fun, and I'm far from what you'd call a romantic Grin

TiredAndRavenous · 29/01/2017 23:43

He's going to get them both pregnant, all fail the lie detector & still have room for a shock DNA! JK see you soon!

Derlei · 29/01/2017 23:44

"He was in a long term relationship when he knew her....and loved his girlfriend at the time so would not have asked her out"

Again, you are talking as if you are him. How come you are trusting and believing everything that he is saying about how he conducted his past relationships, but yet you are dubious about this colleague? How much do you know of what he has told you is the truth, really, you don't know do you? You have only been with him for 4 months.
Do you really know for sure that he was the worlds best bf and didn't cheat?
Also the kid thing, if you don't want kids that's fine, but who actually broadcasts it on their Facebook status, why would you do that? He did it so that the colleague could see it as another way of him trying to pretend that he is now not interested in her like he was previously and that he would "not go there with her" now.
He is displaying textbook "jilted man" behaviour!!

BlondeBecky1983 · 29/01/2017 23:44

It sounds like she's knocked him back in the past but he's still hung up on her. Walk away!

kierenthecommunity · 29/01/2017 23:45

how is her not liking the Facebook relationship thing significant?

could it be she didn't like it becuase she didn't see it? that she doesn't 'like' a lot of things? that she has him on limited profile as she only looks at close friends posts? that she didn't give a fuck either way? that the entire world doesn't revolve around your relationship status? or for a zillion other reasons?

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2017 23:46

Prophet

Nice post, agreed. I started off in a similar vein. Have become more antagonistic to get ops attention. But nothing doing......

KC225 · 29/01/2017 23:51

I was going to suggest Four Wedding & a Funeral. Hugh Grant the serial monogamist in live with Andie Macdowell but thinking she is out of his league agrees to marry Duckface.

OP it sounds as if you are going to stay but ask yourself why you would want to be second best just 4 months in