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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To think my new boyfriend is actually in love with his work colleague

359 replies

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 21:48

I've known him a year now, met him when he had a girlfriend and once they split he got chatting to me on facebook and asked me on a date. We ended up dating and I've now met his family. He is obviously the type of guy who doesn't like to me alone as he's had three longterm relationships and after each longterm relationship he's started a new relationship weeks later. But it didn't bother me too much as he did seem genuinely over his ex and each relationship he's had has lasted over 3 years.

So he told me about a leaving party for an old work colleague but warned me that one of the women there had the hots for him so if he seemed off with her that was why. Sure enough when he arrived he avoided being around her and made a big point of holding my hand and showing her it was me he liked. Then one of the group got drunk, put their arm around the work colleague and told her she was beautiful to which my boyfriend showed visible distress. Before she was leaving he stopped her and told her to contact him if she needed anything.

A few months later we put our relationship on facebook. A lot of people liked it but the work colleague didnt. I saw on his facebook that a few days later he messaged his work colleague asking her a question I knew he already knew the answer to. I think he might have wanted her to see his profile picture and to know we had made it faceook official and that we were together. She replied saying she didn't know the answer to the question and hoped he was well. He never replied.

But he has searched her very regularly. He has searched her more than he has searched me or his ex put together. Infact he's only looked at his ex's profile once since they split.

Also, if she is an unwanted admirer surely you wouldn't message her? And although he has only messaged her once, that doesn't mean anything. If he likes her a lot he's probably be considering messaging for a long time but only just got the courage.

She has only messaged him once and that was a few days after mine and his first date and it was strictly about work. He did reply to her first message but not subsequent ones.

She has liked one of his profile pics but it's clear she's never initiated any contact or written any comments on his wall.

I'm now pretty sure she has never made any moves on him, and looking at her she is gorgeous so I can't see her being in love with my current boyfriend eventhough he is good looking.

If you're in a new relationship and in love, why would you be searching an old work colleague you've not seen for a while and messaging them? Why would you desire them to see you're in a relationship and comment on your facebook?

My best friend is the only one I've spoken to about this, and she said he asked you out. It's out he's interested and not to worry. If he liked her he would have made some kind of move. He hasn't so isn't interested.

I just get the feeling that if she messaged him now to say let's go for a date. He would say yes. He is too scared to ask her out so is trying to get her to ask him/show interest in him.

AIBU|?

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 29/01/2017 23:21

Do people actually judge things in terms of FB likes?

Stop the world, I want to get off

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2017 23:21

Maybe he likes her more, he just dislikes the idea of being around a 5 yr old the most.

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 23:21

Do you think he has a thing for mad women?

TurnipCake · 29/01/2017 23:21

Pieface (mmm, pie) the other woman in question is a single mum which makes her an Untouchable in OP's universe

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 23:23

A-ha.

(Mmm - turnips) Grin

Are we starting something here?

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 23:23

He could be chatting on her whatsapp but I don't think so. His message on facebook was kind of awkward like they don't talk.

I don't know what he's thinking. Only what I want him to be thinking. :-(

I just deep down believe if he liked he he would have tried to be with her. He actively chose not to go to an event he knew she would be at. Not the actions of someone who wants to date the woman. If he wanted her he would be around her and trying to be around her.

OP posts:
candycoatedwaterdrops · 29/01/2017 23:25

You sound far too immature to be in this relationship. It's been FOUR months and you are suspicious and paranoid. Get out and grown up.

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 23:25

Yeah he may well find her very attractive but I doubt he would date her as she has a child and he does not want children. SO he wouldn't be remotely interested even if he was hugely attracted to her.

This may be an internal conflict he has if he does find her attractive. If he found her attractive but wasn't interested because of the child, he would want to hide the fact he found her attractive as he knew he wasn't interested.

OP posts:
reuset · 29/01/2017 23:26

Are you trying to convince us or yourself, OP Grin It's a bit unhealthy the checking up on social media, and analysing any contact he's had with her. It sounds exhausting. I'd take a step back from him to be honest.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 23:26

Dating her wouldn't mean he would have to have contact with the child though

TiredAndRavenous · 29/01/2017 23:27

Turnip pie?

I'm hungry now

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 23:27

What I mean is he isn't exactly going to be expected to be a father figure - I'm sure she has time away from her child.

If you don't trust him, grow the fuck up and dump him.

ilovesooty · 29/01/2017 23:28

I'm torn. I don't know whether I find this strangely compelling or whether I'm losing the will to live.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 23:28

Turnips? Envy

KC225 · 29/01/2017 23:28

I am another one who thinks he asked her out or made a pass at her and when rejected he was miffed and gave her the cold shoulder treatment. It is a very common (if not immature) tactic to try and make someone you like jealous, especially as you say he was all over you in front of her. He said she had the hots for him, more like the other way around - all to save face. I also think he has tried to initiate a FACEBOOK conversation re the work thing but it didn't amount to anything. She is not interested but where does that leave you?

You clearly don't trust him or his motives. You have mentioned that he moves on from relationships very quickly as has really spent any time on his own. Do you think you are a 'stop gap'? Do you see this relationship as long term?

Also don't read anything into the children thing. My brother never wanted kids and didn't have any but his girlfriend of 7 years has three.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 23:28

sooty Grin

HollaHolla · 29/01/2017 23:28

"So he likes me best..."
Dear lord.... Are you 12?

CondensedMilkSarnies · 29/01/2017 23:29

Why don't you ask him ? See what his reaction is.

Derlei · 29/01/2017 23:30

I personally think he's tried it on with her and she's rejected him.
He probably didn't want to go to an event so that he didn't have to face up to the embarrassing fact that she rejected him and/or worsen his already bruised ego.
He is now using you to make her jealous and act like he doesn't care and has moved on from liking her. Not replying to her Facebook message is one of the ways he is trying to show her that he has "moved on" by having the last word in the hope that she will think "oh, he hasn't replied" and then start to like him more. A guy I had a thing with used to do that all time - was very stand offish with me, used to give me short abrupt replies to my messages, was very cold up to the point that he would avoid me in any social situation. But I knew it was because he was actually in love with me and his way of dealing with the rejection was to basically act like he didn't give a shit. Then again we were 21 at the time and not late 20s.

Sorry to say this OP but he wants her and can't have her

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 23:30

Livia why are you jealous of turnips?

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2017 23:30

You posts are now sounding unhinged

TiredAndRavenous · 29/01/2017 23:31

In all seriousness this does not sound like a real relationship, you seem border line obsessed with his social media interaction & obviously don't trust him. Your trying to convince yourself this/him is normal behavior, it isn't! You have been together 4 months, this should be the best part of a relationship & he sounds like he's using you, get out, save your self respect & grow up. 28 is far to old to be this petty

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 23:32

pieface That is why we need a vom emoticon - turnips are the devil's piles Grin

Quarksoundslikequack · 29/01/2017 23:33

Hey op. Sorry you are getting a lot of stick!

Personally from your op, it does sound as if he may fancy her (sorry to say).

I used to read my exes stuff on his phone, not because I didn't trust him but simply because I am nosey &! It's something to do! I didn't ever snoop & I had no reason to think he was lying to me....if I found something then of course I'd question it.

I don't believe in hiding phones or being secretive, I wouldn't find it weird if my bf decided he wanted to read my messages unless he was trying to hide it!

I'm just a curious person, I like to read things....I'm not physically looking for evidence.

It's natural to feel like a school girl again, you are in a new relationship!

Also, its new, you like him, you don't want to lose him, so it's normal wanting to rationalise what he's doing.

Don't bring it up to him yet though, I'd wait a bit

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 23:33

What, even roasted with a bit of parmesan sprinkled on? You are so wrong Shock