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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To think my new boyfriend is actually in love with his work colleague

359 replies

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 21:48

I've known him a year now, met him when he had a girlfriend and once they split he got chatting to me on facebook and asked me on a date. We ended up dating and I've now met his family. He is obviously the type of guy who doesn't like to me alone as he's had three longterm relationships and after each longterm relationship he's started a new relationship weeks later. But it didn't bother me too much as he did seem genuinely over his ex and each relationship he's had has lasted over 3 years.

So he told me about a leaving party for an old work colleague but warned me that one of the women there had the hots for him so if he seemed off with her that was why. Sure enough when he arrived he avoided being around her and made a big point of holding my hand and showing her it was me he liked. Then one of the group got drunk, put their arm around the work colleague and told her she was beautiful to which my boyfriend showed visible distress. Before she was leaving he stopped her and told her to contact him if she needed anything.

A few months later we put our relationship on facebook. A lot of people liked it but the work colleague didnt. I saw on his facebook that a few days later he messaged his work colleague asking her a question I knew he already knew the answer to. I think he might have wanted her to see his profile picture and to know we had made it faceook official and that we were together. She replied saying she didn't know the answer to the question and hoped he was well. He never replied.

But he has searched her very regularly. He has searched her more than he has searched me or his ex put together. Infact he's only looked at his ex's profile once since they split.

Also, if she is an unwanted admirer surely you wouldn't message her? And although he has only messaged her once, that doesn't mean anything. If he likes her a lot he's probably be considering messaging for a long time but only just got the courage.

She has only messaged him once and that was a few days after mine and his first date and it was strictly about work. He did reply to her first message but not subsequent ones.

She has liked one of his profile pics but it's clear she's never initiated any contact or written any comments on his wall.

I'm now pretty sure she has never made any moves on him, and looking at her she is gorgeous so I can't see her being in love with my current boyfriend eventhough he is good looking.

If you're in a new relationship and in love, why would you be searching an old work colleague you've not seen for a while and messaging them? Why would you desire them to see you're in a relationship and comment on your facebook?

My best friend is the only one I've spoken to about this, and she said he asked you out. It's out he's interested and not to worry. If he liked her he would have made some kind of move. He hasn't so isn't interested.

I just get the feeling that if she messaged him now to say let's go for a date. He would say yes. He is too scared to ask her out so is trying to get her to ask him/show interest in him.

AIBU|?

OP posts:
Foxysoxy01 · 29/01/2017 23:10

OP, I wish you would save yourself the heartache and anguish this relationship is going to cause you but Ivan see you won't.

You need to speak to him about it. Tell him your worried about his behaviour and really try to hash it all out, see what he says and go from there.

tooclosetocall · 29/01/2017 23:10

In my experience guys who aren't interested don't show their interest in another women to show that they are 'taken' or uninterested (like women do) they just don't show any interest at all.
He was holding your hand attempting to make her jealous - because likes her. He's reversing the players making out it's her with the interest in him. More likely it's the other way around and I think you're trying to kid yourself tbh. You've been dating him 4 months, that's a splash in the ocean. By your posts there's a lot you say you know but I'm afraid there's so much that you don't.

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 23:10

No I've never been like this before about anyone.

OP posts:
ReggaeShark · 29/01/2017 23:10

Dear god.

tooclosetocall · 29/01/2017 23:12

facebook official
Jesus wept.

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 23:12

Well maybe it was her drunk friends then?

Why can't he just ignore her? Then they could ignore each other and you two could live happily ever after Smile

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 23:14

Why can't he just ignore her?

Good question.. I don't know why. He needs to. He should delete her on facebook if she's that weird.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 29/01/2017 23:14

tooclosetocall spot on methinks

ilovesooty · 29/01/2017 23:15

I think she sounds less weird than anyone else in this bonkers scenario.

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 23:16

Ok so she's wierd and he knows it. Then he will do the right thing, delete her from FB and wherever else & cease contact. Problem solved?

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 23:16

And then if she is this crazy weirdo why grab her at the end and say. 'It was lovely working with you let me know if you need any help on that dissertation you have coming up in the next few weeks. '

That's an open invite for her to contact him.

Anyway, this is getting identifying so I'm going to stop posting and get the thread removed. But thanks you for all the replies. I appreciate them and have taken screenshots so in a years tie I can look back and cringe at myself like I'm sure I will.

OP posts:
piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 23:17

Of course I do know how to spell weird.... Blush

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 23:17

Perhaps next time you have a relationship OP you could conduct it like actual grown ups? Grin

TiredAndRavenous · 29/01/2017 23:18

I could never deal with these childish games.

I look forward to seeing you all on Jeremy Kyle, good luck op

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 23:18

Ooh is he the father of her child? ShockGrin

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 23:18

Whether he liked her or not doesn't matter too much. He didn't like her enough to even ask her on a date. So he can't be that bothered. He chose me to date. So it's me he likes the most.

OP posts:
wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 23:19

No her child is 5!

OP posts:
piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 23:19

Okay...

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2017 23:19

Fuck yes, you should cringe away. And get some self respect.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 29/01/2017 23:19

Relationships really shouldn't be this difficult Op. All this analysing and second guessing what he thinks , what she thinks , what strangers on the Internet think .

These feelings of not trusting him will not leave you , even if you clear up this particular worry , they will always be there under the surface . It just doesn't bode well for your future together.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 23:19

I was being a tad sarcastic...

ilovesooty · 29/01/2017 23:20

For fuck's sake. Do you realise how cringy you sound?

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 23:20

What child? I missed that bit.

Derlei · 29/01/2017 23:20

OP - you talk of your bf like he is a character in a novel, you seem to know everything he's thinking, why he's saying certain things, why he's doing certain things. Seriously it sounds like a story in your head.

If this is actually real, then I actually would say that he does like this colleague. You don't search for an old work colleague of the opposite sex numerous times unless you had a crush on them. He is checking to see what she has been tagged in, who is interacting with her on her profile, what likes she has etc. What other reason would he have to keep visiting her profile?
Also you say he sent her a "quick reply" back to her Facebook message and you have no evidence that he's pursuing her and that surely he'd be making a move. Are you sure they have no other methods of communication? Did she delete his number after she whatsapped him? Just because she deleted it, doesn't mean he deleted hers, how do you know they are not conversing on that? Or have you checked that too??

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 23:21

So is she a bit mad or not op?

Why do you think he gave her an 'open invitation' to contact him again?