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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my new boyfriend is actually in love with his work colleague

359 replies

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 21:48

I've known him a year now, met him when he had a girlfriend and once they split he got chatting to me on facebook and asked me on a date. We ended up dating and I've now met his family. He is obviously the type of guy who doesn't like to me alone as he's had three longterm relationships and after each longterm relationship he's started a new relationship weeks later. But it didn't bother me too much as he did seem genuinely over his ex and each relationship he's had has lasted over 3 years.

So he told me about a leaving party for an old work colleague but warned me that one of the women there had the hots for him so if he seemed off with her that was why. Sure enough when he arrived he avoided being around her and made a big point of holding my hand and showing her it was me he liked. Then one of the group got drunk, put their arm around the work colleague and told her she was beautiful to which my boyfriend showed visible distress. Before she was leaving he stopped her and told her to contact him if she needed anything.

A few months later we put our relationship on facebook. A lot of people liked it but the work colleague didnt. I saw on his facebook that a few days later he messaged his work colleague asking her a question I knew he already knew the answer to. I think he might have wanted her to see his profile picture and to know we had made it faceook official and that we were together. She replied saying she didn't know the answer to the question and hoped he was well. He never replied.

But he has searched her very regularly. He has searched her more than he has searched me or his ex put together. Infact he's only looked at his ex's profile once since they split.

Also, if she is an unwanted admirer surely you wouldn't message her? And although he has only messaged her once, that doesn't mean anything. If he likes her a lot he's probably be considering messaging for a long time but only just got the courage.

She has only messaged him once and that was a few days after mine and his first date and it was strictly about work. He did reply to her first message but not subsequent ones.

She has liked one of his profile pics but it's clear she's never initiated any contact or written any comments on his wall.

I'm now pretty sure she has never made any moves on him, and looking at her she is gorgeous so I can't see her being in love with my current boyfriend eventhough he is good looking.

If you're in a new relationship and in love, why would you be searching an old work colleague you've not seen for a while and messaging them? Why would you desire them to see you're in a relationship and comment on your facebook?

My best friend is the only one I've spoken to about this, and she said he asked you out. It's out he's interested and not to worry. If he liked her he would have made some kind of move. He hasn't so isn't interested.

I just get the feeling that if she messaged him now to say let's go for a date. He would say yes. He is too scared to ask her out so is trying to get her to ask him/show interest in him.

AIBU|?

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 29/01/2017 22:42

Of he fancies her you know it he knows it and she knows heavens you searched through his social media for evidence and posted on a Internet forum about it. How long you even been together?

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 22:43

I can't get over a grown adult making it Facebook official

Apparently that's a thing now - even amongst so called growns ups.

But back to the point - surely the only reason he would be 'visibly upset' about somebody else making a move on this woman would be that he has the hots for her himself. What other reason could there be?

Clearly you don't trust him, and with good reason. But rather than letting it turn you into a FB stalker looking for 'evidence', just trust your instincts and LTB.

Justaboy · 29/01/2017 22:44

Jeez ! I'm bloody glad at my age I've never been in Facebook, seems the den of all iniquities:(

I think OP you ought to have some serious talks with him .

Doesn't sound all that good to me.

Underthemoonlight · 29/01/2017 22:44

Your changing the story to suit now op. I think if she gave a hint she would be with him he would break up with you in a heart beat. He has history of jumping from relationship to relationship in quick concession.

ilovesooty · 29/01/2017 22:44

She might just have been noticing how peculiar his behaviour was at the party.

Original poster

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 22:44

We've been together 4 months. I've met his family and friends. I do think he likes me a lot.

I think he just uses his work colleague for attention. He likes her attention but not her.

I was just feeling down when I wrote the thread. I feel better now.

OP posts:

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 22:46

Why would he have to 'be all over you' to show her he's not interested? If he's not interested he has nothing to prove and what she may or not think would be irrelevant to him.

Unless he's about 15 that is

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 22:46

Are you all 12? Stalking someone's social media profile is a shitty thing to do and would be a total dealbreaker for me

Underthemoonlight · 29/01/2017 22:47

16 weeks and your scrolling trough his FB! My god you are clearly blinkered you are making excuses and when you first posted had concerns but now changing details to suit yourself and your relationship. Good luck to you I doubt this will make the 6months mark

Original poster

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 22:47

He doesn't jump between relationships. He's only had relationships of over 3 years. He's had three longterm relationships and isn't one to sleep around. He just gets into a relationship quickly after splitting from those longterm relationships.

Maybe she really has shown interest in him and he's letting her know he's not interested in her? Maybe she used to flirt with him? There's no way of knowing she hasn't a crush on him and what he's saying isn't true. Maybe he has no interest in her and is uncomfortable because he knows she likes him. There's no way of knowing.

OP posts:

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 22:47

Glad you feel better OP.

And equall glad you don't mind that he 'likes her attention' .

But hey, not my circus etc

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 22:48

And not everyone would be concerned, certainly not enough to act like a teen about it.

It's been a few months - do him a favour and cut your losses

Original poster

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 22:49

I'm not going to cut my losses if he's only acting odd because she's been showing interest and that makes him uncomfortable.

OP posts:

Mungobungo · 29/01/2017 22:51

Something that concerns me here OP is that you've been worried enough to do some digging into his social media account, then have jumped to defend him against anyone saying it's dodgy or to agree with anyone who says it's ok.

To me that's really worrying. You know that the Facebook stalking has made things worse in your head, yet you're not yet willing or able to believe that this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

It doesn't matter whether he fancied her or she fancied him, there was enough odd behaviour at the party to make you suspicious and surely that says it all. Especially when it's driven you to go snooping.

Please pluck up some self esteem and look at this for what it appears to be - a 'D'P who is never out of a relationship (serial rebounder) and who seems to be in some way involved with someone else in whatever level.

It's hard but trying to talk yourself out of your gut feeling is never a good idea.

Either you believe that he won't cheat and that he's all for you or you don't. If you do, why are you checking up on him, especially so soon into a relationship and if you don't, how are you going to continue in that relationship? Will this haunt you?

Original poster

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 22:53

I don't believe he feels rejected. If he liked her, he would pursue her and make a proper effort to be around her and with her. He has made no effort except one short facebook message. And to be honest, I think he just sent that so she would know he was in a relationship and know he wasn't interested.
He doesn't have any genuine feelings for her.

OP posts:

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 22:54

So why did you think he might have feelings for her when you started this thread an hour ago?

TurnipCake · 29/01/2017 22:55

OP throughout history there are novels, music, poetry and art that depict stories of people who couldn't be with the person they truly wanted to be with. And sometimes, real life (see exhibit: Prince Charles). So the fact he's with you certainly isn't making you feel better if you're behaving in a stalkerish way and posting here.

By all means, have your relationship with him, it won't silence the uncomfortable gut feeling you have, and don't be surprised if you last a few years and he moves on in a matter of weeks.

ilovesooty · 29/01/2017 22:55

Tell you what. Since you're obviously still bothered to death about this why don't you just ask him?

Original poster

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 22:55

I don't think he would ever cheat. I just had concerns he liked his former work colleague. But I feel better now as he has never pursued her.

OP posts:

Original poster

wiltedflower28 · 29/01/2017 22:56

I did once. He said he doesn't like her and she is in love with him and it makes him uncomfortable so he has to show her he isn't interested. And that could well be true.

OP posts:

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 22:57

What, in the last hour, do you mean?

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2017 22:59

So you're 28. That means even if you get that far, you'll be out of the relationship at 31. Do you want to settle down or have a family? If you do, cut your losses and find someone a bit more reliable than this man. Do you want to waste 3 years on him only for it to be all over and him onto the next woman 5 mins after you've said your goodbyes? This man doesn't want to settle down. He's just settling for you as his at the moment girlfriend. Is that what you want? I wouldn't want to be his at the moment, good enough girlfriend. He sounds just like my cousin actually. He's never been married. He's 50. As soon as the woman wants to get serious, he moves on.

ilovesooty · 29/01/2017 22:59

Oh. I see. You didn't believe him by the sound of it. Was this before you scooped on his Facebook or after?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/01/2017 22:59

But you aren't going to be satisfied with any answer - if you are paranoid enough to go through his social media then it's a pretty shit relationship.

piefacerecords · 29/01/2017 22:59

Keep meaning to close this and go to bed but...

Why did he have to 'show her' he's not interested? Usually a 'sorry, thanks but I'm not interested' would suffice.

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