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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU, to insist he tells me where we're going on holiday?

163 replies

Emboo19 · 29/01/2017 14:48

So as the title says! My boyfriend has booked a week away for valentines week, somewhere in the uk. He won't tell me where though.
We have a almost 4 month old dd and she will obviously be coming with us. Ive asked a few questions in regards to the sutibility for the baby and he just says 'don't worry', I am worrying though and he's taking offence that, I'm not trusting him to think about dd (this is a issue for us and he's really working on it)
Normally it wouldn't bother me, and he's done similar arranging surprise weekends away etc, but not since the baby.
AIBU, to say he tells me or I don't go?

OP posts:

HerRoyalNotness · 29/01/2017 17:29

It wouldn't bother me for the baby as such, they all need the same stuff.but I'd want to know for me. Do I pack city clothes, country retreat clothes, will there be an indoor pool/hot tub, will i need walking shoes? So many variables. He could at least give you a heads up on type of holiday and yes the distance in car too.

Original poster

Emboo19 · 29/01/2017 17:35

Yep, that's him AnnieAnoniMouse in fairness he's really trying with dd now.
He stays over night, so he does know, sleep routine and stuff.
I'm not so bothered by the packing, or running out of nappies, I know we could get stuff we need.
It's more like, is there a bath or just a shower, is it a hotel or cottage, how far is it! He'll happily drive anywhere so might not have thought of distance, we once drove to Isle of Skye from Leeds, more than 8 hours!!! Also will I actually enjoy it, I'm still up a few times a night with dd, I don't want a week of having to get dressed up and go out every day!
I've tried asking questions but his reply is just 'don't worrry' or 'trust me, you'll love'
I'd never read his emails or anything.
I'm not a anxious person, I'm usually a throw a few things in a case and just go for it person. That was before baby.
I want to be able to just relax and trust he's really thought of what we need right now and not what he thinks is typically romantic.

OP posts:

Mindtrope · 29/01/2017 17:40

OP I wouldn't agree to it.

Looking after a 4 month old (and I breastfed too) is hard work. Your boyfriend doesn't live with you so really doesn't understand.

DJBaggySmalls · 29/01/2017 17:41

He's being unreasonable to withold the info and then get offended by you asking.
But of course people want to say its you.

I wouldn't go looking through his emails or whatever. A straight question should get a straight answer and its a shame he cant understand your concerns.

SecondsLeft · 29/01/2017 17:41

I would say - thanks for booking the suprise, I really want to relax and start getting excited about it, but first there are a few things I need to know so I can plan for the needs of our daughter.

How long a journey, how many stops
Are we self-catering
Is there a cot available
What will we do in the evenings while the baby sleeps as we can't disrupt her routine.
Will we be doing town things or country things in the daytime.

Add your own... If no answers, no trip.

debbs77 · 29/01/2017 17:42

Wow! I'm struck by how nice he is being! Seriously, pack anything you might need for yourselves and the baby and go with the flow!

Sparkletastic · 29/01/2017 17:45

I like SecondsLeft approach. Ask the questions that you really need the answers to.

I'm with you though OP. I hate surprises and love looking forward to things.

tealady · 29/01/2017 17:48

Some people like suprises and others don't. For me a holiday is enjoyable as much for the planning and anticipation and I would hate to have one sprung on me. I think it is perfectly reasonable to say that you will enjoy the holiday more if you know the details and can participate in the decision making before the booking is made. If you are careful in the way you approach the issue, he should be able to understand your point of view and if he can't I would be worried for your future as it might suggest he wants to 'control' your perfectly reasonable personal preferences.

Chelazla · 29/01/2017 17:48

Agreed debbs

missnevermind · 29/01/2017 18:06

My big worry as he doesn't live with you, is how will he react to the broken nights?
Is he likely to be shouty or aggressive if baby can't settle.
Are you able to grab everything and go home if you need to.

Original poster

Emboo19 · 29/01/2017 18:06

He's not at all controlling tealady I do believe he thinks he's doing a lovely thing. I've always been ok with surprises, we've always been on the same page though. I'm just not so sure we are anymore I think the whole trip will be a make or break for us and he knows it!
I'm going to ask a few of the most vital questions when dd's in bed and then just leave it and hope he's done as good a job as he thinks he has!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Emboo19 · 29/01/2017 18:10

No he stays over missnevermind and he's good at helping through the night, when he can, I'm breastfeeding!
I wouldn't be able to go home, unless he drove us. Well depending on where we're going, there might be buses/trains, I don't know 🤔

OP posts:

Mindtrope · 29/01/2017 18:32

Why don't you live in the same house?

2014newme · 29/01/2017 18:37

Weird living arrangements.

waterrat · 29/01/2017 18:48

God I would hate this. With a 4 month old you are naturally exhausted and it may be a holiday not suited to someone who is knackered ! I would also have to know driving distance - does he understand you and baby will only be able to do short distances on car at a time?

I truly wpuld loathe this so you have my sympathies OP.

BeingEB · 29/01/2017 18:49

I honestly don't think anything he tells you right now will make any difference, it sounds like the whole idea of going anywhere with your baby is going to be massive inconvenience and faff for you. You are determined to raise objections it seems. Plenty of parents travel on holiday with small babies and manage just fine and even squeeze in a little enjoyment but you obviously aren't one of those people. I'd just put him out of his misery and tell him to forget it. Just hope he hasn't paid for anything in advance he can't get refunded.

lavei · 29/01/2017 18:52

Oh lord. Yes YABU!
He's planned something nice for you and you're pissing all over it 😒
If I were him I wouldn't bother!
What on earth do you think you're going to need? It's within the UK, so unless he's taking you to Gibraltar, the weather is pretty shitty all over, the foods the same, the facilities are more or less the same... take clothes, pram etc.
If you're missing anything important you can then he pissed at him but cheer up woman!

Original poster

Emboo19 · 29/01/2017 19:00

Mindtrope I'm 19, baby wasn't planned. I currently live with my parents, he lives in a shared house with two of his mates. He stayed for the first two weeks and then stays over a few times a week.
BeingEB thanks for the very insightful interpretation of what I've put. Only, I've been away twice already with my dd. I'd like to know where we are going, I'd like it to be somewhere enjoyable for me and dd!!

OP posts:

Mindtrope · 29/01/2017 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Emboo19 · 29/01/2017 19:47

Thank for that Mindtrope I was actually 18 when I got pregnant, I'm 19 now! Also had the implant more than 99% effective my GP said!!!

OP posts:

Mindtrope · 29/01/2017 19:51

18 and 19 makes such a big difference

Original poster

Emboo19 · 29/01/2017 19:57

I was being a little sarcastic Mindtrope
Im sure I'm not the only person to have a unplanned pregnancy and my age has nothing to do with it!
My daughter is loved and well taken care off.
I won't and don't feel any guilt over getting pregnant or deciding to keep my baby!

OP posts:

Unihorn · 29/01/2017 20:07

Wow Mindtrope completely unnecessary comment and nothing to do with the thread?!

I have a 3 month old and recently travelled to visit family about 4-5 hours away. The thought of having to pack everything up (she's FF so steriliser, bottles, powder too) put me on edge. I definitely wouldn't find this relaxing, I totally understand where you're coming from. I hate surprises too!

PanannyPanoo · 29/01/2017 20:11

I think your worries are valid and I think your oh is trying to give you a thoughtful surprise. I totally understand your stress and I am twice your age. So not sure that is at all relevant. I would be inclined to just say you are really looking forward to it but have a few concerns and list your worries.
I don't want to travel to far. 3 hours max or whatever.
I would rather not be in a hotel worrying about disturbing other guests and having to sit in the same room as sleeping baby all night.

I would like to have the opportunity to just relax where we are staying.

she needs a Moses basket to sleep in.

if he says that all those are covered then stop worrying and look forward to it. if they aren't then it gives him time to alter anything.

BendingSpoons · 29/01/2017 20:18

OP you are getting a lot of stick here! I totally understand where you are coming from. I think the key thing is you mentioned being concerned about whether you will have fun. If course you will cope where ever you are but if it's no fun, there isn't much point having a holiday! I was very picky about the type of holiday I wanted when DD was that age e.g. an apartment with a separate bedroom so we didn't have to sit whispering. Can you get him to give you some facts e.g. hotel, apartment etc but keep the location a surprise?

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