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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU, to insist he tells me where we're going on holiday?

163 replies

Emboo19 · 29/01/2017 14:48

So as the title says! My boyfriend has booked a week away for valentines week, somewhere in the uk. He won't tell me where though.
We have a almost 4 month old dd and she will obviously be coming with us. Ive asked a few questions in regards to the sutibility for the baby and he just says 'don't worry', I am worrying though and he's taking offence that, I'm not trusting him to think about dd (this is a issue for us and he's really working on it)
Normally it wouldn't bother me, and he's done similar arranging surprise weekends away etc, but not since the baby.
AIBU, to say he tells me or I don't go?

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBag · 29/01/2017 15:29

Well if he's driving and baby sleeps in a Moses basket what's the issue?

Surely you just take the Moses Basket in the car with you.

And you can stop on the way as many times as you need to to feed.

Chillax!

HecateAntaia · 29/01/2017 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/01/2017 15:31

I don't get the problem?

How far? What does it matter. You can stop as often as you or DD need to.

Sleeping. Take the Moses basket.

You're staying in the UK so no problems re flights or weather.

It's only a WEEK, 4 month old babies are portable in the extreme. Even more so if breastfed. There's TONS you can do in London with a baby & you can go back another time to do anything non baby friendly (clubbing).

Relax & give the guy a break.

Enkopkaffetak · 29/01/2017 15:35

If he is driving can't you simply bring the moses basket and stand? That way your worries about dd sleeping is gone and he can get to give you the surprise he wishes to give you.

ArriettyClock1 · 29/01/2017 15:36

It's the UK, so no need to worry about whether to pack for the beach or a safari.

And as it's his surprise - why cant he sort out the requirements for the baby and do her packing? But, tbh, if she's in a moses basket and breastfed - it couldn't really be any easier.

And what's the problem if it is London? I think you're making problems where there are none.

blackcherries · 29/01/2017 15:38

*Could you do a little fishing with his family?

For clues I mean, not for a holiday!*

haha!

Snifftest · 29/01/2017 15:44

A 4 months and in the UK, it really wouldn't matter where you are going. They are dead easy to travel with at that age! I wouldn't worry.

gnushoes · 29/01/2017 15:47

Babies are portable at that age. Feeding is covered, you can take the moses basket. Go with the flow - and any problems are his, not yours, to solve. That might really help him think through the needs of the baby. Oh, and try to enjoy yourself.

Figure17a · 29/01/2017 15:48

Would you be going by car if it was London?

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/01/2017 15:49

I know some people really like being surprised in this way, but I don't and I don't understand what people do get out of it. I miss all the anticipation and day dreaming and planning about what you're going to be doing if you don't know where you're going. So I would not appreciate not being told at all.

But - given it's the UK so you can fix problems relatively easily - this might be a good opportunity for him to step up. If he has form for not thinking about the baby's needs but is working on it, he does need some opportunity to do that. A holiday wouldn't be my first choice, but it's not a terrible one. If the baby's still in a Moses basket he sounds pretty portable. If you go along with it I can't see you or the baby coming to any harm.

Is it really just the baby's needs you are worrying about, or is it more that he's a bit selfish and you think the holiday is going to be a disaster you can't face at 12 weeks post birth? That's sort of the vibe I got from your posts but this being the Ineternet and all, it's easy to misinterpret. Is it a bigger issue?

PerspicaciaTick · 29/01/2017 15:50

It is the UK - so the clothes needed will be the same wherever you go and the baby's needs won't vary between destinations.
Ask him specific questions e.g.
Will there be a cot?
We need to allow a 30 minute break after every 2 hours in the car (or whatever) - have you allowed for that?
Do we need to take a changing mat, bath insert, high chair?

But honestly - I think that he should give up on the surprise if it is causing this much worry.

PuntasticUsername · 29/01/2017 15:50

"Just look at his emails or whatever until you find it."

Hmm
TragicallyUnbeyachted · 29/01/2017 15:50

< Cheers on HecateAntaia >

This isn't a "nice secret" if the OP doesn't want to be surprised. Her DP is prioritising his feelings (he wants to have all the drama of a surprise trip) over hers (she feels anxious not knowing what she's doing) and has decided that ignoring how she feels is "romantic". It really isn't. And she doesn't have to "give him a break" and decide that his feelings are valid and hers aren't.

Viviennemary · 29/01/2017 15:55

I don't tolerate surprises like this. Say you aren't going unless he comes clean. You have a baby to consider. He's being really inconsiderate IMHO. I can't think of anything less romantic than being unsure of where you are going and where you are staying. And worrying about it. Even worse with a small baby. He's being ridiculous. Annoyed on your behalf.

questioningitall · 29/01/2017 15:57

Sorry but I think you are totally worrying about nothing. I'd be massively grateful he's thought of this and is taking you all away for a week. What on earth can't you pack in a car for a 4 month old? Especially as you are breastfeeding. Crikey. Boob? Check. Moses basket? Check. Pram? Check. Nappies. Clothes. Sleeping bag. Check check check. Just relax and enjoy. Travelling with children gets much harder before it gets easier again so go with the flow. You might just enjoy it.

Lynnm63 · 29/01/2017 16:01

If you're cross that he's riding roughshod over your feeling insofar as he knows you hate surprises, like to micromanage everything and get stressed if you're not in full control then YANBU. If you used to like surprises but are just worried about your PFB then YABU.
Maybe your dh wants to do something nice for you to celebrate Valentine's Day to show you he still wants to woo you even though you're a mum.
Assuming you're not skint and can afford a week away and can afford to buy any bits you've forgotten I'd say go with the flow he might surprise you and worst case scenario if it's a bit shit you can just drive home.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 29/01/2017 16:08

I don't think he'd have a clue where to start with packing for her, or how much she needs. We don't live together.
I'm not sure the Moses basket will fit in the car along with pram, clothes etc.
My issue isn't so much with London, just the thought of being in a hotel room for a week. I'm just getting her into a good sleep routine and don't really want to mess it up.
A mixed response though, so maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. He did seem so pleased with himself when he told me he'd booked something.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 29/01/2017 16:11

Agree with Tragically. He is prioritising his feelings over yours, op. If you hate surprises in the normal way of things then having a surprise holiday with a young baby is obviously not going to be your sort of thing. He needs to listen to what you are saying!

Niskayuna · 29/01/2017 16:12

You have a child and don't live together?

Bear2014 · 29/01/2017 16:15

I think it sounds great! If using a moses basket, that goes in the car. Take the buggy and a sling. I think 4-5 months is the easiest time to go away with a baby. They are sleeping a teeny bit better hopefully, still only on milk so no weaning hassles. Plenty of opportunities to relax while they nap. Small and portable enough to lug around and do touristy stuff. Perfect! Wait til she's 3 years old then it's a nightmare ;o)

CancellyMcChequeface · 29/01/2017 16:16

I'd hate this whether there was a baby involved or not, but then 'surprises' make me anxious, even the nice, well-intentioned kind. Fortunately the people close to me know that!

I think that because you enjoyed similar surprise weekends in the past, he's confused or doesn't see the issue. But it would be very unreasonable of him to keep the 'surprise' element after you've told him that you're feeling worried. Knowing the destination won't take away any of your enjoyment of the holiday.

As someone else said, it's no longer a 'nice surprise' if you're feeling stressed about it.

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/01/2017 16:16

You can pack things in the Moses basket so it doesn't take up much extra space. Would sitting down with him and going through the logistics of a general trip away help you feel better about it? Letting him know how much space you'll need for everything, asking what the arrangements are for sleeping at night to ensure you can stick to the routine you're setting, etc.

OohhItsNotHoxton · 29/01/2017 16:17

I think YABABU.
If I was your DP I would be quite offended that you thought so little of me that you felt I wasn't capable of arranging a family break.
You seem a little anxious if I'm honest, do you feel anxious about other issues or is this an isolated anxiety?

diddl · 29/01/2017 16:17

I'm not sure that where you are going is so much the thing as will there be what you need for your daughter when you get there?

What questions have you asked him about what she needs & getting it there?

Presumably he knows taht she needs a cot to sleep in for example?

Lynnm63 · 29/01/2017 16:19

That's a bit different op if you don't live together. How much time has he spent with dd? Has he been with her overnight or taken her and all her paraphernalia out on a day trip? Does he know how hard work it is with a 4 month old? In these circumstances you probably do need to know where you're going and I'm assuming as all her stuff is at yours it'll be your responsibility to pack it.
I think you need to explain very clearly to him maybe by filling your hall with ALL the stuff you need to take with you and confirm that it will fit in the car.