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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU, to insist he tells me where we're going on holiday?

163 replies

Emboo19 · 29/01/2017 14:48

So as the title says! My boyfriend has booked a week away for valentines week, somewhere in the uk. He won't tell me where though.
We have a almost 4 month old dd and she will obviously be coming with us. Ive asked a few questions in regards to the sutibility for the baby and he just says 'don't worry', I am worrying though and he's taking offence that, I'm not trusting him to think about dd (this is a issue for us and he's really working on it)
Normally it wouldn't bother me, and he's done similar arranging surprise weekends away etc, but not since the baby.
AIBU, to say he tells me or I don't go?

OP posts:
gleam · 29/01/2017 16:20

Would you be happy to go out if the hotel does babysitting? I think that he may want to go out for romantic evening meals and leave the baby behind.

Also, if he doesn't live with you, is he ready for a full on week of baby noise?

AcrossthePond55 · 29/01/2017 16:22

Take a deep breath. You'll be fine. If you're going to be in the UK, how likely is it that you'll be somewhere where baby necessities aren't available? What do you think you'll need to pack that you won't be able to buy if you run out? Nappies? Baby supplies (nappy creme, wash, calpol, etc) Babygros? Vests? Outfits? Warm gear? All easily obtainable, unless he's likely to take you off into the wilderness on a camping trip. If so, shoot him.

ChuckSnowballs · 29/01/2017 16:24

I would say to him then, to sort out the baby stuff and you will just pack your own. He needs to start stepping up now he is a dad.

Niskayuna · 29/01/2017 16:33

The alarm bells here are this is a boyfriend who doesn't live with her, who apparently has had 'issues' they're 'working on' with him being involved with the baby.

It's not exactly portraying a doting dad figure.

Doofas · 29/01/2017 16:33

Could you write him out a list of all the things the baby will need, and a rough routine, so that he has some idea of both.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/01/2017 16:35

Is this the boyfriend that want you, but not the baby? The one that didn't turn up at his family's dinner?

TheSmurfsAreHere · 29/01/2017 16:37

Your issue has nothing to do with the trip but everything to do with the fact you don't trust to think about the baby.
You have voiced your concerns. He is working at being a better dad (whatever that means!).

Leave him to it. Let him surprise younby having thought about everything. Or let him learn the hard way that travelling with a baby isn't the same than travelling just the two of you.
Don't have a go at him if he hasn't quite got it right. But let him deal with issues (from baby not sleeping and needing rocking to having to think about nappies and naps. Or baby needing to be in the hotel bedroom by 7.00pm in the dark and you, or rather him, being stuck in there.

He has planned a trip for you. He wants to make it nice for you. It's great. Just give him the responsibility of dealing with the baby too.
Otherwise he is never good in to learn and will feel you always have ago at him.
Remember too that the only way he will learn is by being confronted with problems (just like you did) and by getting the experience, wo being judged all the time or wo being told what and how to do things all the time.

Chelazla · 29/01/2017 16:40

I really don't see a problem sorry. He's surprising you somewhere in the uk. Anything forgotten for dd you can get? At this ages babies can go anywhere really they are asleep half of time. I'd just appreciate he's doing a nice thing.

Niskayuna · 29/01/2017 16:45

Must say that the idea of being stuck in a hotel room with a crying baby is really not a lot of fun. Babies don't make good holiday companions. Same stuff to do, feeding and nappies and naps and crying, just a different location - a smaller location, and one where someone's in your face insisting you have fun because 'you're on holiday' and 'I paid for this' and 'why are you so ungrateful?'

Many who've had a child and not gone on a holiday can also confirm the number of well-meaning friends, partners and relatives who will suggest you leave your sleeping baby alone in a hotel room because "it will be fine!" and that wanting to stay with the baby is 'silly' and 'making a rod...' and 'you're always making such a fuss'.

YANBU, OP, I'd be anxious too and there's literally no kind of trip I'd be happy to go on with a 4 month old.

Changednamesorry · 29/01/2017 16:47

Bloody hell
You have a breastfed baby and you are going somewhere driving distance away! Unclench and let him surprise you. Babies are portable. Our child doesn't need an arsenal of "stuff"....just mother, a few clothes and some nappies and wipes. And a car seat, since he is driving. The only possible reason you "need" to know is if you were going to south east Asia or similar where you might need additional vaccinations for you and the baby. You are probably going to the Cotswoldschool or something !!!

Changednamesorry · 29/01/2017 16:47

*Cotswolds. Stupid autocorrect

Changednamesorry · 29/01/2017 16:48

And should read Your child not our child (although our child doesnt need an arsenal of stuff either haha)

SaucyDough · 29/01/2017 16:49

Look through his emails and see what he's booked.

Changednamesorry · 29/01/2017 16:51

OMG do not look through his emails and see what he has booked!!!
Psycho move to say the least! Snooping in his email, ruining the surprise he is trying to plan.....Jesus! Please don't do that!

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 29/01/2017 16:52

Of course its not a "psycho move" whatever the fuck that means anyway. He refuses to say, why not look?

DaphneDeLaFontaine · 29/01/2017 16:52

If you don't tell me where we are going, I'm not coming.

Your choice.

Try that ^

Hairyfairy01 · 29/01/2017 16:54

Sounds lovely to me. You have a 4 month, breast fed baby who sleeps in a Moses basket. It's an ideal time to go away. Sounds like he's trying to do a nice thing. Relax and enjoy the surprise!

NapQueen · 29/01/2017 16:55

If it is London what's wrong with a week in London with a baby? She's the perfect age to just tag along with whatever you are doing. No need to find soft plays or worry about the needing to crawl or toddle everywhere.

Changednamesorry · 29/01/2017 16:58

I don't think searching through my partner's emails trying to sniff out I found he is trying to keep from me so he can give me a nice surprise holiday is normal behaviour at all. It's bizarre. The poor man is trying to surprise her! I'd be really upset if I was trying to do something nice for my partner and child and he assumed I was incapable of considering the practicalities to the extent that despite me saying "don't worry" and keeping the location a surprise he went through my emails and ruined the surprise because he didn't think know I was capable for planning properly or couldnt relinquish enough control to just trust that we are going somewhere nice as a family.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 29/01/2017 17:01

The bf should listen to the op.

He obviously thinks a surprise is fun and romantic.
She isn't finding it fun or romantic, not knowing where she is going is making her feel anxious.
Why does it have to be a surprise? Why can't he think "I want you to enjoy this holiday, and if that means telling you where we are going, then I'll do that". What is the surprise element achieving if she doesn't want a surprise?

I'm surprised at the posters telling her to ignore her own feelings because a surprise holiday is Officially Romantic, so it doesn't matter what she actually wants.

Personally yes I'd like to know, I'd enjoy the holiday more for planning a bit and packing better.

GREATAUNT1 · 29/01/2017 17:03

Make lists & get him to pack, that's one job you won't have to do.

Magicpaintbrush · 29/01/2017 17:14

My DH has booked surprise trips before which technically is very sweet but he knows that I hate surprises - I hate being kept in the dark and feeling unprepared, I just end up feeling frustrated and pissed off. I also hate not having a say in where we are going. If we had a small baby to think about as well then I would be as concerned as you and I would make him tell me.

CommonFramework · 29/01/2017 17:15

OP, if you feel anxious about it, then it's not a nice surprise for you. I wouldn't like that either, with a baby.

Sounds like your bf likes the surprise element more than you do. I'd say if you don't find out where you're going, you don't want to go. And if he's not listening to you then that means he's not taking account of your feelings and thinking his feelings are more important than yours.

Has he booked a hotel or a cottage? A hotel room with a baby is no fun. If in a cottage, you'll have to think about food shopping. Or he will!

How much time has he spent with the baby? Will you be able to fit pram and Moses basket in the car?

slummamumma · 29/01/2017 17:26

Not sure why you need to know where you are going - UK, not much variant in temperature. He is an adult and your baby's father so I would trust that he has thought it all through. Stop worrying and ruining what is a lovely thought and surprise. Also you said that he was working on thinking about DD so trust him!

Changednamesorry · 29/01/2017 17:28

Agreed slummamumma. This is much better advice than the lunacy suggested by so.some people here! Look through his emails, ask his family, refuse to go if he won't tell you.....Christ!!!! Way to ruin a nice gesture!

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