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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend says he's heterosexual eventhough he's married to a man!!

117 replies

user1485442361 · 28/01/2017 19:55

That's it really. I've known him since he was 34 and I was 17. He's been with his Husband 20 years and they got married two years ago.

He was a bit of a player when he met his partner. He admits he's slept with a lot of women. He met his partner at work, knew he was gay and they developed a very very close friendship which cumulated in him falling in love with his friend and it just went from there. He absolutely adores his Husband and definitely fancies him. No doubt about that.

But while publicly he just says he's gay. He has always told me (his best friend) that he is in fact only attracted to women. He is in love and sexually attracted to his Husband and fell completely in love with him. But apart from his Husband, he has absolutely no attraction to men whatsoever. He is however, sexually attracted to women.

He would never even worry about sleep in a bed with a man because he knows he wouldn't be interested but with a woman he wouldn't put himself in any situation where he might cheat. His husband knows he's heterosexual and always jokes to me that he made him 'see the light'.

I just find it a bit hard to believe really. But I know I'm being a bit ignorant on this subject. Would I be unreasonable to think he can't be heterosexual and in love with a man?

OP posts:

FatOldBag · 28/01/2017 20:22

Meh, it's just labels isn't it? There's still a lot of unease amongst men about being gay or bisexual, parts of society still think that's not 'manly' or not good, so I think it gets ingrained on people's psyche to identify as straight when, I would say for most people, that's not really accurate. If he wants to think of himself as straight because he 99% prefers women, then he's just interpreting the parameters of straight in his own way - rounding up! Some people think you're not bisexual unless you have no preference for men or women, it's just 50:50 or actually you're straight/gay, not bisexual. I don't know why you're worrying about it at all tbh, it's a total non-problem.

bumsexatthebingo · 28/01/2017 20:22

Well it's up to him how he wants to define his sexuality. I personally think everyone is potentially bisexual.

itsbetterthanabox · 28/01/2017 20:26

He's bisexual.
I don't get why people find it so hard.
He obviously has a strong preference for women. But it doesn't stop the fact he's attracted to both sexes.

Original poster

user1485442361 · 28/01/2017 20:26

He says he doesn't feel bisexual at all. As his husband is the only man he's interested in. So identifies as heterosexual. He has no attraction to makes, only his Husband.

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 28/01/2017 20:26

He's been 'a player' since he was 14?

ILoveMonkeys · 28/01/2017 20:27

Sounds like he has found his soul mate, and he just happens to be a man. Not many people find that whether in the same or opposite sex. I think fair play to him for being honest and not feeling he has to conform x

blueskyinmarch · 28/01/2017 20:28

I have two female friends who are married but they don’t identify as lesbians/gay at all. They are not attracted to other women, they just love each other. Sometimes you just love who you love and that’s it.

DesolateWaist · 28/01/2017 20:29

Meh. I met a person and fell in love with this person. Does he need a label? So long as he's not having affairs because he yearns for sex with a woman then I don't see a problem.

Iambubbles86 · 28/01/2017 20:30

Penfold op knew him since she was 17 and he was 34, unless its an incredibly new friendship and op is a teenager time has passed since and they could have been friends 10 years meaning he was a player at 24 then he met now husband and is currently 34 and op is 27. Dyswim?

Reality16 · 28/01/2017 20:30

Who really cares?

People can call themselves what they want. Also they can be with who they want. Who are any of us to question it?

hackmum · 28/01/2017 20:31

People are all different, aren't they? I remember reading an interview with Sam Fox of all people where she said she'd been heterosexual all her life and then fell in love with a woman - she said she fell in love with the person, and her sex was irrelevant. Not everyone fits neatly into boxes.

Littleballerina · 28/01/2017 20:31

He's in love with a person and not a gender. It really shouldn't be that confusing.
I love my dp because of who he is, not because he's male.

Original poster

user1485442361 · 28/01/2017 20:32

Not sure where you are getting the age of 14 from. He met his partner at 24.

He was already with his Husband when I met him. He's not 34 now! I've known him 10 years.

OP posts:

DesolateWaist · 28/01/2017 20:33

Not everyone fits neatly into boxes.

Sam Fox wouldn't fit in a box. Those boobs would get in the way.

itsbetterthanabox · 28/01/2017 20:34

How does one feel bisexual?
If he's attracted to his husband then he is attracted to men.
I don't understand the aversion to simply descriptive language.

Original poster

user1485442361 · 28/01/2017 20:35

That does make sense actually. He's just always said he's straight. Meeting his Husband was an incredibly rare chance encounter and he said if anything happened and they were no longer together he would be very very very unlikely to be with another man.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1485442361 · 28/01/2017 20:36

I think that's why I've always wondered while he didn't say he was bisexual but he genuinely does not consider himself so. He is only attracted to his Husband. No other men.

OP posts:

juneau · 28/01/2017 20:36

I know a woman who is a married to a man who was completely 100% gay until he met her. He says the same thing - that he loves HER (not women in general) - and that if he wasn't with her then he'd be with a man.

DesolateWaist · 28/01/2017 20:37

Although I've never had a relationship with a woman, were I single, I wouldn't not have a relationship with someone I liked and fancied simply based on the content of their trousers.

Iris65 · 28/01/2017 20:53

Some people are attracted to a person not a sex.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 28/01/2017 21:03

Some people are attracted to a person not a sex

Indeed. But the person has a sex. And in this case, a penis. If you are a man married to a man, and having sex with penises, you are not 100% heterosexual.

It would be like me saying I only like fillet steak and no other meat at all, every day I eat just fillet steak...but I identify as 100% vegetarian.

This "I am whatever I identify as" shite has gone way too far. Language is entirely meaningless if you go on like this!

pipsqueak25 · 28/01/2017 21:11

sorry, but why are you asking , is this your business ? or is this a reverse ?

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 28/01/2017 21:11

sorry, but why are you asking , is this your business

If people only posted about what was directly there business, half of AIBU at least would be gone.

itsbetterthanabox · 28/01/2017 21:30

The 'not attracted to a sex attracted to a person' thing is bullshit. It just means you are bisexual.
Don't try and weirdly romanticise whilst at the same time criticising homo and heterosexual people in a round about way.
These words aren't about identity, they have actual meanings. People don't want to identify as bisexual because of biphobia. Doesn't mean they aren't.

c3pu · 28/01/2017 21:52

A lot of men who most people would describe as bisexual, identify as straight because they don't have any romantic feelings for men... They just like the sex.

Sometimes a more mutually acceptable label is "men who have sex with men and women"

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