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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend says he's heterosexual eventhough he's married to a man!!

117 replies

user1485442361 · 28/01/2017 19:55

That's it really. I've known him since he was 34 and I was 17. He's been with his Husband 20 years and they got married two years ago.

He was a bit of a player when he met his partner. He admits he's slept with a lot of women. He met his partner at work, knew he was gay and they developed a very very close friendship which cumulated in him falling in love with his friend and it just went from there. He absolutely adores his Husband and definitely fancies him. No doubt about that.

But while publicly he just says he's gay. He has always told me (his best friend) that he is in fact only attracted to women. He is in love and sexually attracted to his Husband and fell completely in love with him. But apart from his Husband, he has absolutely no attraction to men whatsoever. He is however, sexually attracted to women.

He would never even worry about sleep in a bed with a man because he knows he wouldn't be interested but with a woman he wouldn't put himself in any situation where he might cheat. His husband knows he's heterosexual and always jokes to me that he made him 'see the light'.

I just find it a bit hard to believe really. But I know I'm being a bit ignorant on this subject. Would I be unreasonable to think he can't be heterosexual and in love with a man?

OP posts:
SparkleShinyGlitter · 28/01/2017 21:58

People don't have to fit in boxes, people don't have to label themselves as anything if they don't wish

Why do you find it hard to believe? Why does it bother you?

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 28/01/2017 22:04

People don't have to fit in boxes, people don't have to label themselves as anything if they don't wish

People DO fit into boxes, no matter whether they label themselves or not. This idea that we are all whatever we want to be unless we declare ourselves is fashionable but patent nonsense. Words have meanings, people are what they are. We do not make our own reality to impose on others.

Thingmcthingyface · 28/01/2017 22:07

I know a gay man who happens to be married to a women. He clearly identifies as gay. When you meet her it makes total sense, it's had to feel smitten with her and she's by no means butch but there is something very masculine about her 'energy' (?) so yeah I wouldn't get hung up on it. I think if you meet the right person gender doesn't matter.

Thingmcthingyface · 28/01/2017 22:07

Should read it's hard not to feel smitten oops

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 28/01/2017 22:09

I know a gay man who happens to be married to a women. He clearly identifies as gay

He can identify as a tree if he feels like it but if he has no bark or leaves......

Callaird · 28/01/2017 22:56

A lesbian couple I know who have been married for 9 years always say they are not gay, they just love xx/yy. You can't help who you fall in love with, you are just in love, there is no need to label it. (My Roman Catholic dad would argue about this until he was blue in the face and hates that his christened and church going offspring do not follow his bigoted views)

piglover · 28/01/2017 23:03

It can go the other way too - Tom Robinson ("Glad to be Gay") is now with a woman.

Mynestisfullofempty · 28/01/2017 23:05

Iambubbles86 Penfold op knew him since she was 17 and he was 34, unless its an incredibly new friendship and op is a teenager time has passed since and they could have been friends 10 years meaning he was a player at 24 then he met now husband and is currently 34 and op is 27. Dyswim?

No I don't because if he was 17 years older than the OP when they met, how the hell could he be "currently 34 and op is 27"? That is only 7 years difference! If the OP is now 27 he would be 44, not have remained at 34 for the last 10 years.

Mynestisfullofempty · 28/01/2017 23:08

There should have been quotation marks round the first paragraph of my post above as I was quoting Iambubbles86 prior to answering him/her.

Iambubbles86 · 28/01/2017 23:15

Sorry I meant he is now 44 and she is 27

Iambubbles86 · 28/01/2017 23:18

Funny how we both did mistypes, what with you forgetting your quotes and me putting a wrong number thereby making my whole post completely not understandable in any way whatsoever Grin

Evergreen777 · 28/01/2017 23:19

Is his husband particularly feminine OP? If he was I guess that would kind of fit with him fancying him but otherwise only women.

I had a friend who had gay blokes crack on her more than once. But there was something masculine about her, the way she moved, spoke, etc. I could kind of see why a gay man might find her attractive. Straight men rarely did.

Original poster
user1485442361 · 28/01/2017 23:21

They're both really masculine. He's slightly more masculine than his husband but only slightly.

OP posts:
TheRattleBag · 28/01/2017 23:21

Reminds me of the plot for Bob & Rose, where Bob (gay man) meets and falls in love with Rose (heterosexual woman).

From its wikipedia entry:

"However, the ‘Bob’ character states categorically in the script that he is not bisexual saying: "I was born gay, I’ll die gay and I’ll have a gay gravestone". He says that he was attracted to Rose as a person and not as a gender choice. He says he will ‘always look at men’ but Rose is the only woman for him."

Apparently it was loosely based on a true story, so these things happen.

Evergreen777 · 28/01/2017 23:30

But isn't everyone attached to the person rather than the sex? I mean I don't fancy every man I see, just a small proportion of them. That's normal isn't it, to only fancy specific people?

But if all the people you fancy are the opposite sex from you, then I think you can describe yourself as straight (or vice versa for gay) Otherwise you're bisexual.

Evergreen777 · 28/01/2017 23:31

attracted not attached, obviously

misshelena · 28/01/2017 23:37

"This idea that we are all whatever we want to be unless we declare ourselves is fashionable but patent nonsense. Words have meanings, people are what they are. We do not make our own reality to impose on others."

Exactly. And just to add to Narky's point -- this phenomenon now has a name, thanks to Trump, it's called "alternative facts". Yes, this means that I can call myself a "tree" even if I don't have bark and leaves!

Pinkheart5915 · 28/01/2017 23:40

He doesn't have to label himself if he doesn't want to.

His married to man and his happy. what else matters?

whats the problem? Why do you find it so hard to believe? Why is it bothering you?

MummyToThree479 · 28/01/2017 23:44

What is this need to make people label themselves? Because his married to a man you want him to have a banner saying I AM GAY?

I like men, I am attracted to me, I am married to a man. About 15 years ago I had a fling with a women, she is the only women that I've ever been sexually attracted too I was in love with her as a person but what sex she was.
I am not bi, I am not a lesbian. I am heterosexual it's just that 1 women really got under my skin

Your friend isn't hurting anyone. He doesn't need to label himself as anything.

Maybe try opening your mind a bit to understand he might just love that 1 man not all men, it's not difficult

noeffingidea · 28/01/2017 23:54

If he has sexual feelings for his husband he is bisexual, whether he wants to call himself that or not.
It isn't that unusual for people to believe they are gay or straight and then to meet, and be attracted to/fall in love with a person of the opposite sex to that which they are normally attracted to. It's called being sexually fluid, and some people can change as they grow older.
I personally don't see what the problem is. As long as he is honest with his partner and any future potential partners, it doesn't matter what he calls himself.

QueenyLaverne · 28/01/2017 23:55

I think it's not the gender you fall in love with it's the person and their soul.

DoctorBeat · 29/01/2017 00:00

I have a female friend like this. "Horny as fuck" (by her own admission) and used to love one nights stands with lots of men. Met a woman who obviously pushed the right buttons and they adore each other. But absolutely would go back to men if they split. She still doesn't identify as a lesbian despite being in a civil partnership with a woman.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 29/01/2017 00:01

Maybe try opening your mind a bit to understand he might just love that 1 man not all men, it's not difficult

Try opening your mind to the fact that men who have sex with a man is the definition of gay.

Contrary to popular opinion, we can and do label each other not ourselves. It's basic perception.

SuperFlyHigh · 29/01/2017 00:08

as pip says why are you asking and what on earth has it got to do with you?!

HelenaGWells · 29/01/2017 00:09

To me if you feel sexual attraction that you are comfortable acting upon towards both sexes then I would generally consider you bisexual. Lots of people get same sex crushes but for me if you happily act on those (or would given opportunity) and engage in sexual relationships with both genders you are bisexual, you just may have a strong preference for a specific gender.

Realistically though a lot of people are uncomfortable with labelling sexuality. There is also a lot of hate towards bisexuals. If Some people prefer to label themselves as a straight man who happens to be married to a gay man or whatever then Personally I think it's a bit wanky but each to their own. I do feel slightly weird however that so many people won't just say they are bisexual and own it. What is actually wrong with the bisexual label?

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