Friend says he's heterosexual eventhough he's married to a man!!

[user1485442361]

That's it really. I've known him since he was 34 and I was 17. He's been with his Husband 20 years and they got married two years ago.

He was a bit of a player when he met his partner. He admits he's slept with a lot of women. He met his partner at work, knew he was gay and they developed a very very close friendship which cumulated in him falling in love with his friend and it just went from there. He absolutely adores his Husband and definitely fancies him. No doubt about that.

But while publicly he just says he's gay. He has always told me (his best friend) that he is in fact only attracted to women. He is in love and sexually attracted to his Husband and fell completely in love with him. But apart from his Husband, he has absolutely no attraction to men whatsoever. He is however, sexually attracted to women.

He would never even worry about sleep in a bed with a man because he knows he wouldn't be interested but with a woman he wouldn't put himself in any situation where he might cheat. His husband knows he's heterosexual and always jokes to me that he made him 'see the light'.

I just find it a bit hard to believe really. But I know I'm being a bit ignorant on this subject. Would I be unreasonable to think he can't be heterosexual and in love with a man?

I married a Woman. I don't consider myself Pansexual as I am not attracted to Women, only my wife. I fell in love with her but I don't feel that intense sexual attraction I feel with Men.

I have no attraction to any other Woman. I've often found a disconnect between who I am and who people presume I am. It's isolating.

Narky that may not make any sense to you, and I cannot pretend to understand it, however that is how she chooses to describe herself. Infact, she acknowledges she doesn't understand it herself, however she is very happy in her relationship

And I'm delighted for her. It's clear that she doesn't understand it, so why not just avoid any label, instead of picking the only label that can't apply?

I married a woman last month. I'm not a lesbian or bisexual. I love her, but I'm only sexually attracted to men
And you're a woman? Why marry someone you aren't sexually attracted to?

charity why did you marry someone you weren't sexually attracted to, then? I imagine that's quite isolating for her.

I am sexually attracted to her. Sorry if that sounded different. What I meant is I fell in love with her, and that incorporates a sexual attarction. But I'd have never looked at her and fancied her. She was my Manager and I was in awe of her and eventually developed sexual feeling over several years. But without that constant interaction with her, I'd have never married her.

You do realise that is withing the perfectly normal range of romantic attraction, yes? Not all lesbians/bi women (and indeed #NotAllMen) see a comely woman and instantly go Phwooar!

Then how can you say "I'm only attracted to men" when what you actually mean is "I'm only attracted to men except this one woman".

You don't have to define yourself in any way. But do you see how its impossible to say "I only like men, I'm a heterosexual" when you are currently having a lesbian sexual relationship?

I would personally class it as bisexual going by the famous Robyn Ochs definition 'the attraction romantically and/or sexually to people of more than one sex or gender, not necessarily at the same time, same way or to the same degree' so it's not equal Reality.

I'm not 50/50 split down the middle or anywhere near that and have had LTRs with both sexes as I fall in love with the person regardless of gender.

However I couldn't give a damn how other people want to label themselves. Human sexuality is indeed a complicated thing that can change (or not) so much throughout our lives.

Sorry that wasn't you Reality, you quoted. Apologies

Stuff like this always makes me suspicious they are looking elsewhere. Even if they'd never acknowledge it even to themselves.

If you were truly happy in a homosexual relationship you would embrace it - I was het, but then I met Bob and now I'm gay - for example.

But saying 'I'm het I just happen to be married to Bob' is code for 'hey, when this shit hits the fan you introduce me to your lady friends, right? I mean, I know I married Bob but I am hankering after some PIV'.

I do have a suspicious mind but it would make me pretty wary of them and very sorry for Bob.

Why is Bob gay now though Batteries why not bisexual? Does being in a same sex relationship now discount previous and present opposite sex attractions. That's called bi erasure which is sadly very common. I don't call myself a lesbian because I'm in a same sex relationship, I'm bisexual.

Vidorra sorry yes you are right. My apologies.

Just discussed it with OH and he said sadly he thinks Bi carries huge discrimination, more so than being gay. Seen as either flaky, not knowing what they want or someone who wants an open relationship, can't be trusted not to cheat. (For context - OH has quite a few bisexual and gay friends and colleagues).

I would be suspicious that he was, if not looking for a way out of his marriage, then at the least prepared for it to end.

No worries Batteries Your OH is right unfortunately and I've experienced a lot of that myself. Luckily I'm thick skinned so it's water off a duck's back Bisexual men do get a far harder time than women from what I've seen and heard.

sadly he thinks Bi carries huge discrimination, more so than being gay.

That might have been the case at one point, I don't know, but from my experience (being seen as a lesbian, then being seen as bi) that's absolutely not the case now, either in real life or on the internet.

Particularly amongst the younger queer crowd, lesbians are treated with suspicion, whereas being bi or pan is seen as "progressive", so much so there are plenty of people who have never been in a same-sex relationship, and who are IMO very unlikely ever to be in a same-sex relationship, who classify themselves as "queer" or "pan" or bi.

I have a completely different experience IRL Annie although perhaps where I am from shapes that. There is no equal marriage, very small gay scene that appears to cater to mainly men and am not a young thing anymore either

That's rally sad that lesbians are now treated with suspicion. I think I suspect why; something I've noticed a lot on bi groups that have lots of young ones on them. I took myself off them between that and their liking of labels for blooming everything. Wouldn't be the first time I've had to google terms like aromantic or enby to see what on earth they are on about.

Another one who has fallen in love with a woman but doesn't consider themselves to be bisexual.

I'm bi so in a different situation as your friend OP, but I can kind of relate to what he is saying as before I met my "trigger crush" (as I call her) I had never considered dating another woman and I really thought she just was an exception and still considered myself very much straight despite being attracted to her. I then met other ladies who confirmed the fact that she wasn't an exception and I was indeed bi, but I can see why some people would feel this way and I am sure some people would indeed never look at another person of the same-sex once out of a relationship with one.

As it turns out, I am not a lesbian at all but now find myself having a real hard time finding men attractive so I think bisexuality can vary from being 50/50 to 1% vs 99% etc.... mine seem to go in wave.

Regarding discrimination against bi vs gay people, I do agree that there is still a lot of erasure and discrimination, I am in my 20's and I have heard heaps of people my age (LGBT folks mostly!) say a lot of offensive things regarding bisexual people some still believing that bisexuality is just an invented thing to hide that you are actually gay and that bisexuals should pick a side. Personally I don't care what people think of me or my sexuality, but as a bisexual woman, I find it easier to talk about other women to straight women than talk about men with Lesbians. Talking positively about the opposit sex (especially men) within the LGBT community is quite taboo and quickly frown upon, especially within the lesbian community. I think it's a bit sad that even in 2017 bisexuals are still seen as somehow "unfaithful greedy folks who can't pick a side" by a lot of people and especially other LGBT people.

i dont think the labels are as clear cut as they seem to be.
I mean when i think about my husband and ask myself would i still love him if he were a woman? The answer is probably that i would. Im not bisexual really but im not repulsed by women or anything so if i did happen to fall in love with the personality of one i could probably manage to have a romantic relationship with them.
I sort of think that sexuality is a complicated spectrum and that really anyone could fall in love with anyone and it depends on your own inhibitions whether you follow the love you feel. Not that im saying that inhibitions are trivial i know some people who would be genuinely too repulsed to ever consider having sex with a particular gender, and for them thats a very ingrained thing so they just would never enjoy it.
I think it must be more complicated than it first appears because i know of hetero people who stay together but rarely have sex because they arent attracted to each other, however they are in love. And i know people who fully hate each other but just want to shag all the time.