Weird encounter with man or am I over thinking

[Daaaaaaan]

This might be long, will try to put all relevant information in so to avoid the dreaded drip feeding...

One or two weeks before Christmas I was in the supermarket as usual on a Wednesday lunchtime straight after school finished with my son. Exited the supermarket to hear an English voice say "oh hi, how are you" in a friendly tone of voice (am expat and while many people here speak English I speak to most of my friends in the local language). I said "oh hello" while thinking "uhmm I don't really think I know you". However he continued saying he knew me from somewhere, had we met before, probably at local pub. I said no I don't drink there.

He told me his Street address then asked why I was shopping in supermarket A when supermarket B was closer to my house (didn't think about this comment until later as tbh I was really just trying to get home to make lunch, I absolutely did not tell him where I lived). He also said he saw me most days last summer and I was always on my own (?! )Looked like I was always off to the beach, did I not work?

Boxing day, receive message in my other folder from this guy saying I popped up on his people you may know list. We have no mutual friends, are not in any of the same Facebook groups and I never "check in" anywhere. So was a bit sceptical. Anyway in the message wishes me merry Christmas, asks me out, gives me his address, phone number and email. I didn't accept the message request and did not reply. So although I have read it he won't know as I've not accepted it ifkwim.

So, Wednesday in supermarket A as usual, and he is there. He tries to make chat but, it's lunchtime and I have a hungry son to feed! Don't give it much thought, it's a local supermarket after all, we live in the same district. Thursday I get on my usual tram to take my son to school and he is on it. Not too weird, but the stop for where he told me he lives is about 3 stops before the one I get on. The next and final stop, it doesn't really go anywhere except the tram depot, my sons school and the long road to the next town.

He starts walking with us asking about Christmas, asks my son about his gifts etc. I'm feeling a bit uneasy and rush my son along while, saying something like "oh well have a nice day etc" he then asks me if I have time for a coffee, rather taken aback I blurted out "sorry no I'm on my way to a job interview" and rushed off.

So, finally (if anyone has got this far) is, aibu to think this all really odd. Mainly the supermarket conversation/knowing where I live/movements/tram thing? The balcony thing, as I say, is most likely unconnected but possibly why I'm feeling more freaked out than should be necessary.

It's good to hear, that your DSs DF, will be on side and support you. 😀

Yes he will be angry but helpful when I tell him. He is very protective of his son (and me I guess as mother of his son)

Loads of good advice already given. Particularly agree with burly male friend as a decoy and code word for DS. Also to report and make friends/neighbours aware.

So sorry you're going through this OP, very freaky. I hesitate to suggest this as others with more experience will be able to say if this is a good or bad idea, but could you very clearly take photos or record him on your phone if he approaches you again? And just say 'oh, it's funny how I keep bumping into you, I'm making a note of it' or does that kind of confrontation just encourage them? I have had a man from fifteen years ago when I lived on the other side of the world KEEP searching for me online and keep trying to add me on linked in, fb etc (when I've blocked previous profiles etc) and it really freaks me out, always thought I was being irrational, now I'm reading Gift of Fear and it's implying I was right to be fearful. Can't imagine how scary to have someone physically trail you.

StumblyMonkey, please don't tell the OP to invent another relationship, or to engage in any discussion at all with this possibly dangerous chancer.

I'd think that'd only encourage them eyespy

Any nice, normal person would read into that and take the hint. However a stalker isn't a nice, normal person. Recording them and mentioning you're taking notes would only let them know they've got your attention. They wouldn't be mortified that they've made you uncomfortable like a nice person would, they'd be encouraged by it.

Likewise with pretending to be interested in someone else, they don't take the hint that you're not interested in them. Instead they believe you would be with them if it wasn't for the other guy, it's seen as an obstacle for them to overcome rather than an outright "no".

Have a word with the police, but also be prepared. For your peace of mind, learn some self defence, keep some cheap baseball bats in strategic positions round the flat but out of sight (one under your bed, one under the sofa) and get CCTV. We installed a nest CCTV camera a month ago and it has an amazing picture. Cost £149. www.amazon.co.uk/d/Camera-Photo/Nest-NC1102GB-Cam-Security-Camera/B00ZC5FNFU/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1485629143&sr=8-3&keywords=nest&tag=mumsnetforum-21
It uploads to the cloud via wifi, you just screw it in wherever you want it (internally or externally - no DIY skills needed at all) and plug it in via a socket. (obviously, if you want it outside, you will need an outside socket). It then sends you alerts each time it detects movements, that you can view in real time or in arrears, via a computer or on your phone. There is an annual subscription charge of £120 per year if you want it to store the footage. It really works well, and it would give you total knowledge if you are being paranoid or not, as you would know for sure due to the alerts it sends you if it detects movement. The picture is outstanding, both day and night.

This is very concerning. This would be an offence here in U.K. it's Stalking. Not only is he causing you fear, alarm, and/or distress, he is turning up in random places he knows you will be and you've had to change your routine in order to avoid him.
Tell the police you are being Stalked. Tell them everything no matter how small you think it might be.

Question - does your FB profile say you are single?
If so, change it to "in a relationship".

Sounds to me as if you should be cautious. This could be a series of co-incidences and a guy who doesn't speak the language well being desperate for friends, but you shouldn't just dismiss it.
You can't go changing your life to avoid this man - if he's a stalker, he will find you somehow.
Try to be prepared for the next meeting. For example - if he gets off at that tram stop, stop walking and ask him casually where he's going. If he answers to the school or whatever, ask who his child is - name/class etc.
If it's not at the tram stop but in supermarket etc then try to let him know - tactfully - that his approaches are not welcome. Don't throw a wobbler and tell him to leave you alone or whatever. If he is a stalker, that might make things worse.
Maybe you could drop into conversation that you're in a rush because your boyfriend/husband/partner is arriving/visiting tonight.
If he's simply not good at chatting up girls, that should put him off.
If he persists or there is any other reason to feel uncomfortable, go back to the police - pronto.
Sorry, don't want to scare you but there are weirdos around so don't take any chances!
Good luck and please let us know how you get on :)

Sorry you are going through this op. I don't have anything to add but it sounds like you are doing everything you can. Take care

Don't know where you are OP, but if you're in a Mediterranean country including even France, I wouldn't expect too much from the police.

While British police have their (many) faults - stalking and and crimes against women (ie 'domestic' and sexual violence) are dealt with much better in the UK than other countries.

But don't let that put you off, they may be helpful.

Let us know how you are OP, as and when you can. It is worrying, you must be so scared.

I think there's been some very good advice here. I hope you feel me in control soon.

You need:

• lamps with timer switches, so the flat looks occupied and he's less likely to break in

• Rottweiler guard-dog stickers on all doors/windows; and

• to use taxis/buses/lifts for a few weeks so he thinks you're away/not available and loses interest...

If you don't tell the Police, tell a friend - record it formally just in case.

Sorry if this has been said already but when out and about "walk tall", act assertive even if you haven't clocked him watching you. I'm sure you do already.
Plus what others have said - be safe OP.

How are you today OP? Hope you're not too unsettled by all this. I had a look at the CCTV link summer888 provided- I had no idea a cctv setup could be so cheap! May invest in one myself. You can also he tdymmy cctv cameras for about £6!

Sorry -"get dummy cctv cameras"!

I really wouldn't go down the "I have a boyfriend" route because if he is watching you closely he'll know this isn't true and that you made this up to scare him off. And he might just react negatively to that.

Your best options are to up your security, go to the police, and lean on your ex for support.

Oh op this sounds awful, I hope you're ok

When I was 17 another teenage boy used to follow me around and hang about outside my ground floor bedroom window. Eventually I told my older brother who scared the shit out of him confronted him. It stopped after that but it was quite scary.

I would raise it with the police now, even if they do nothing it's good to have it on record. Could your ex pop round some nights when he's home and go out and about with you?
If he tries to speak to you again say loudly 'don't speak to me, I don't know you, stop following me'. Do not be polite, do not be apologetic, do not engage in conversation.

This sounds very scary!
Not sure which country you're in but can you readily find out how to protect yourself legally? Are you allowed to carry mace for example?
Definitely definitely get a personal alarm.
This guy sounds like he may have been following you for some time before he approached you. He knew far too much info before he first spoke to you!
As others say, cctv , diary and police report.
Not sure if this helps but a policeman once told me never shout 'help' because sadly people don't respond! Always shout fire if you feel threatened or are physically attacked because people are more likely to see what's going on.
Good luck and be safe 🌹

When I first started reading, I thought that the poor man was just hoping to meet a fellow expat. I probably did this a lot when I lived abroad as I would hear English and light up and probably come across as a lonely, desperate freak.

HOWEVER, after reading your full post, and him hinting he knows where you live, I would be freak out as hell. He's coming across as a scary stalker and YANBU to feel this way.

First thing I'd do is get one of those lights, if you can, that come on if someone is on your balcony. Make sure you have thick blinds and good locks. Can you get a dog? I'd probably be paranoid enough to get some kind of alarm to carry in your handbag. If he came up on Facebook as someone you may know then he's been looking at your profile.

How long has this been going on for? How many times per week would you say that he is "there"?

It sounds terrifying, and definitely needs to be taken seriously

Omg this sounds awful- would your sons dad come and stay every now and again ? Hopefully make it look like he's there a lot ?

This sounds really scary.

There have been loads of useful points raised but a couple more occur to me that might be worth considering...

1 - teach your son that if that man does ever try to pick him up he needs to say to the teacher to call the police. Or if he is out and about then to say no I'm not allowed to go with you and to make sure he stays somewhere public like a supermarket and asks an employee to help by calling you or the police. And make sure the school know that if anyone strange, especially this man, come to pick up your ds then they need to call the police as will be attempted child abduction.

2 - have a nickname for him like the sillybilly man or Id the Idiot - so it won't scare your son but he can tell you easily if he's seen him. And if the stalker does overhear him then the names won't show that he has as much power over you as discovering he is being thought of as a scary man or stalker.

3 - is there any way that he could be watching you from inside your flat? Could he have got a key from the site office pretending to be a workman? Or hacked your computer? Do you have a web cam that he could have accessed remotely (unplug/stick a post it note over it when it's not in use so even if he does access it he can't see it. Ditto regarding the microphone although not sure how easy it is to switch it off it is if it's a built in one.
Bugs/cameras/etc are things that to us seem something out of James Bond but if you look online they are actually very cheap, tiny/innocuous and powerful these days for somebody like the stalker who would would reap huge enjoyment from watching you in your home. Is there any way he could have anything in your home or on the balcony - worth looking around with your suspicious head on to double check?

4 - before you do that could you maybe set some traps? So things like saying to your ds that a flat has come up for rent in a friend's building that sounds nice, how would he fancy living there? Obviously prime ds beforehand. - make it a game maybe - and choose somewhere that doesn't have a friend in but does have a flat for sale in an area you could viably choose for work/school still being convenient.
Then look up holidays on your pc in a completely new area. And in your bedroom ask your ds if he likes your new red (different colour that you don't usually wear) dress and what does he think about it, does he think it suits you? And in your son's bedroom discuss going to a big local event or sport that you're not actually into but can pretend he likes and would like to go to. Something with plenty of people around (food fair, sports match) rather than something lonely (hill walking!) so that if the worst happens and he thinks he will take your son then there will be lots of people around.
But then see if he drops any of these new facts into conversation like inviting you to an event or saying you suit red or mentioning about moving or talking about holidays to xxx. Then you know that he is somehow getting info about you from inside your house, and where in the house to look.

Sorry that was a bit long and it might be a bit OTT cautious. But from what you've said about him so far and the fact he doe know stuff about you he shouldn't then I think it's better to err on the side of caution!