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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Weird encounter with man or am I over thinking

357 replies

Daaaaaaan · 27/01/2017 12:58

This might be long, will try to put all relevant information in so to avoid the dreaded drip feeding...

One or two weeks before Christmas I was in the supermarket as usual on a Wednesday lunchtime straight after school finished with my son. Exited the supermarket to hear an English voice say "oh hi, how are you" in a friendly tone of voice (am expat and while many people here speak English I speak to most of my friends in the local language). I said "oh hello" while thinking "uhmm I don't really think I know you". However he continued saying he knew me from somewhere, had we met before, probably at local pub. I said no I don't drink there.

He told me his Street address then asked why I was shopping in supermarket A when supermarket B was closer to my house (didn't think about this comment until later as tbh I was really just trying to get home to make lunch, I absolutely did not tell him where I lived). He also said he saw me most days last summer and I was always on my own (?! Confused )Looked like I was always off to the beach, did I not work?

Boxing day, receive message in my other folder from this guy saying I popped up on his people you may know list. We have no mutual friends, are not in any of the same Facebook groups and I never "check in" anywhere. So was a bit sceptical. Anyway in the message wishes me merry Christmas, asks me out, gives me his address, phone number and email. I didn't accept the message request and did not reply. So although I have read it he won't know as I've not accepted it ifkwim.

So, Wednesday in supermarket A as usual, and he is there. He tries to make chat but, it's lunchtime and I have a hungry son to feed! Don't give it much thought, it's a local supermarket after all, we live in the same district. Thursday I get on my usual tram to take my son to school and he is on it. Not too weird, but the stop for where he told me he lives is about 3 stops before the one I get on. The next and final stop, it doesn't really go anywhere except the tram depot, my sons school and the long road to the next town.

He starts walking with us asking about Christmas, asks my son about his gifts etc. I'm feeling a bit uneasy and rush my son along while, saying something like "oh well have a nice day etc" he then asks me if I have time for a coffee, rather taken aback I blurted out "sorry no I'm on my way to a job interview" and rushed off.

So, finally (if anyone has got this far) is, aibu to think this all really odd. Mainly the supermarket conversation/knowing where I live/movements/tram thing? The balcony thing, as I say, is most likely unconnected but possibly why I'm feeling more freaked out than should be necessary.

OP posts:
Daaaaaaan · 27/01/2017 15:55

Thanks for advice re. Notes etc. Will do, good idea. Messaged local friend and she has given me info where to go if I need to report anything else (not serious enough for an actual police report ifkwim, ie. No crime committed)

OP posts:
Pineau · 27/01/2017 16:08

I don't know which country you are in but here in France you can go to the gendarmes and they will make sure to watch your place when they drive around.

ladyme · 27/01/2017 16:10

I agree that it sounds off to say the least. Do you know anyone who might know him? Is he English or just speaks English well? I think I'd start askign around as well as the tips already on the thread. Make sure everyone who is part of your real life knows that you have this weird thing going on. If it is a stalker he might use information he already has about you to get more from friends.

Alternatively, and not sure if I would do this, just something to think about, would you consider asking him how you know him "you seem familiar to me, but I just can't recall ever meeting you properly, who are you?" just to see how he responds.

You're doing all the right things with your son, but can't help worrying a bit about his safety if weird fucker thinks it's a way of getting to you - eg. talking to your son or whatever.

Niloufes · 27/01/2017 16:15

What? Are we not allowed to disbelieve a post anymore?

MissMrsMsXX · 27/01/2017 16:19

Jesus.

Have you informed the police and your son's school?
Talk to neighbours too.

And how awful.

Trust your gut. Always. Always trust your gut.

MissMrsMsXX · 27/01/2017 16:19

Also if you're in an Expat community message some of the expat community leaders, they may know of him already.

morningconstitutional2017 · 27/01/2017 16:25

This all sounds worrying. I'd take the advice offered here and be very careful about extra security. Better to be safe than sorry.

Lima1 · 27/01/2017 16:26

I think you should go to the police, you don't need to wait until a crime is committed. Tell them everything you told us and say you are concerned for your safety and ask what's advice they can give you to deal with this. At least then both you and him are on their radar in case something happens. For all you know he may have form for this and there might be a previous incident on record that will allow the police to act now.
Good luck, it must be scary for you.

pilates · 27/01/2017 16:31

I would install CCTV and report to police.

He sounds weird.

DorcasthePuffin · 27/01/2017 16:31

Nilfoules, it's trollhunting and no, you can't do it. Report if you don't believe.

But first, consider this: stalking is not a rare crime. This shit happens all the time. And the very last thing its victims need is to be disbelieved when they first speak up. Do you really want OP to think she can't mention her fears until she has cast-iron proof? Really, think about it.

Daaaaaaan · 27/01/2017 16:32

Hmm typed message don't know where it went, if it duplicates then sorry.

Son knows only to leave with me or 2 other friends of mine.

Will clarify with teacher on Monday it's either only me or these 2 other named friends

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 27/01/2017 16:36

i wouldn't be friendly with him anymore, openly hostile is fine. if he tries to walk with you tell him straight he's scaring you and leave you alone. any decent man would be shocked and leave you alone. if he doesn't call the police.

definitely ignore him every opportunity you get and make sure everything is locked. tell all your friends you're scared.

take a photo if you can.

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2017 16:37

Good idea to clarify/remind teacher.

TheMerryWidow1 · 27/01/2017 16:40

don't tell him he's scaring you, if he is a stalker that will probably be great news for him!! Just ignore him, keep walking etc or tell him you are not interested if you want to.

WatchingFromTheWings · 27/01/2017 16:45

If he approaches you I'd make a lot of noise. Tell him to go away. As loudly as possible. Shout. It'll get other people's attention and maybe make him think twice. Change all your routines.....I think if he starts popping up at new shops/bus routes, then I think you can probably be certain he's following you.

I'd get personal alarms for yourself and your son too.

Hissy · 27/01/2017 16:46

You're definitely not overthinking this. I too think cctv is now essential and yes you need to change your routine.

FatOldBag · 27/01/2017 16:53

I think I'd be blunt to the point of rude if necessary, just so you've made it clear to him you're not his friend. Something to the effect of "Look, sorry but I don't know you and I'm not interested, Ok? Just leave me alone". If he carries on with "just trying to be friendly" etc just repeat "Well I'm not interested so leave me alone".

The gift of fear book is great. It sounds to me like he's at the "interviewing" stage with you. Ie he's pushing boundaries and being a little bit weird, but friendly, to see how you react. An ideal victim will respond with politeness, not cause a scene or say anything overtly rude. These people can be pushed into doing things they don't want to do or going places they don't want to be. You need to show him you're not an ideal victim, you recognise his behaviour as not ok, and you tell him so. That may be enough to put him off at this early stage and he'll find someone more victim-y to concentrate on.

Mynestisfullofempty · 27/01/2017 16:54

OP, this man clearly wants you to know he's stalking you. His behaviour will continue to escalate. You need to protect yourself and that means telling what you've told us to the police.

Monkeyinshoes · 27/01/2017 16:55

Definitely read The Gift of Fear, it has sections all about situations like this.

I also don't think you should put men's boots etc out. Any response will be seen as a positive. Change your routine and avoid him as much as you can. If you do talk be firm with him, no excuses of interviews (else he thinks you're interested just too busy right now), no "I'm not interested in a relationship right now" (else he'll keep hanging around until you are). Now is not the time to be polite or to let him down gently.

Tell him you're not interested in any relationship with him. Tell him only once, after that blank him. Else he learns he can keep pestering for a response (even if the response is another "no", given after he's pestered you another half dozen times, it's still a response).

NCforQuestion · 27/01/2017 16:57

It does sound one too many coincidences

knackeredinyorkshire · 27/01/2017 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daaaaaaan · 27/01/2017 16:59

Gift of fear, will get it, thanks to all who mentioned it. Am.actually a fairly strong independent person (I thought) this just threw me

OP posts:
YouHadMeAtCake · 27/01/2017 17:01

Great post and advice oldbag

MollyHopps · 27/01/2017 17:04

Something really important OP is that you do not engage with this man any further, in any way at all.

Just quietly document what he does and disengage

PJBanana · 27/01/2017 17:08

Following on from OldBag, definitely report him.

As mentioned in her post, he might move on to someone else. If he does, the fact that you have previously reported him to the police could be vital information in the event that he does this to anybody else.

Take care OP. What a fucking weirdo.