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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Weird encounter with man or am I over thinking

357 replies

Daaaaaaan · 27/01/2017 12:58

This might be long, will try to put all relevant information in so to avoid the dreaded drip feeding...

One or two weeks before Christmas I was in the supermarket as usual on a Wednesday lunchtime straight after school finished with my son. Exited the supermarket to hear an English voice say "oh hi, how are you" in a friendly tone of voice (am expat and while many people here speak English I speak to most of my friends in the local language). I said "oh hello" while thinking "uhmm I don't really think I know you". However he continued saying he knew me from somewhere, had we met before, probably at local pub. I said no I don't drink there.

He told me his Street address then asked why I was shopping in supermarket A when supermarket B was closer to my house (didn't think about this comment until later as tbh I was really just trying to get home to make lunch, I absolutely did not tell him where I lived). He also said he saw me most days last summer and I was always on my own (?! Confused )Looked like I was always off to the beach, did I not work?

Boxing day, receive message in my other folder from this guy saying I popped up on his people you may know list. We have no mutual friends, are not in any of the same Facebook groups and I never "check in" anywhere. So was a bit sceptical. Anyway in the message wishes me merry Christmas, asks me out, gives me his address, phone number and email. I didn't accept the message request and did not reply. So although I have read it he won't know as I've not accepted it ifkwim.

So, Wednesday in supermarket A as usual, and he is there. He tries to make chat but, it's lunchtime and I have a hungry son to feed! Don't give it much thought, it's a local supermarket after all, we live in the same district. Thursday I get on my usual tram to take my son to school and he is on it. Not too weird, but the stop for where he told me he lives is about 3 stops before the one I get on. The next and final stop, it doesn't really go anywhere except the tram depot, my sons school and the long road to the next town.

He starts walking with us asking about Christmas, asks my son about his gifts etc. I'm feeling a bit uneasy and rush my son along while, saying something like "oh well have a nice day etc" he then asks me if I have time for a coffee, rather taken aback I blurted out "sorry no I'm on my way to a job interview" and rushed off.

So, finally (if anyone has got this far) is, aibu to think this all really odd. Mainly the supermarket conversation/knowing where I live/movements/tram thing? The balcony thing, as I say, is most likely unconnected but possibly why I'm feeling more freaked out than should be necessary.

OP posts:
blankmind · 27/01/2017 14:08

Have you got a big burly man friend who would be willing to do the Wednesday shop and a few school runs with you for a couple of weeks so Mr. PossStalker sees you are not alone?

Jooni · 27/01/2017 14:10

I think YANBU to feel weird about this. He's clearly interested in you and the fact that he knows where you live without being told is definitely creepy. Also the tram thing is a bit odd. Not unexplainable, but suspicious in light of everything else.

The man's belt and footprints would really freak me out, especially living on my own with a child in a ground floor flat. I think you absolutely did the right thing in getting in touch with the police. You've got no proof that this man is involved, but I'd be thinking exactly what you're thinking. I agree that asking your neighbours if they've seen this man is a good idea, and I might even invest in a CCTV camera or a motion-sensor outdoor light so that if it happens again you can find out who it is and get some proof. Does your apartment block have CCTV?

GummyGoddess · 27/01/2017 14:15

That sounds horrifying! Yes to other suggestions, also perhaps self defense class?

MollyHopps · 27/01/2017 14:20

OP you need to read The Gift Of Fear

I know it is suggested all the time, but you really do. Start making note of these goings on as they could become relevant in the future. Set up CCTV or a camera near the french window and see if you can catch him whoever it is in the act.

Also, tell someone in real life other than the police! Someone who would be able to support you should you need it.

it's horrible to feel so vulnerable. Don't let him make you feel like that Thanks

Niskayuna · 27/01/2017 14:22

Sounds like an absolute nutjob.

You don't him your pleasantries or 'a smile'. Next time, tell him "Let me stop you there, I really do not know who you are. Good day." And walk off. Then if he starts chasing you and being all nutty about what absolute best mates you are, you could keep walking and see if he gets aggressive enough for you to call the police, or a manager or something.

FairyAnn · 27/01/2017 14:23

This doesn't sound good. If I were you, I'd take steps now to nip it in the bud. I speak from personal experience that these things can get out of hand very quickly.

I like the idea a PP had about leaving a pair of men's boots out. I would also invest in a security camera and an alarm system if you can afford it.

Also, change your routes and your routine if you can. Take a different bus, go out at different times, etc...

I would also see if there is a local neighbourhood watch group or something similar. Maybe even ask a friendly neighbour to keep an eye on your place when you're not there.

Definitely keep the police up to date about the activities, and keep a journal of every encounter with this man. It may come in handy later.

Hope this gets sorted for you soon. Stalking is a horrible thing to happen to anyone Flowers

thequeenoftarts · 27/01/2017 14:24

Also maybe teach your son a code word or sentence that must be used if anyone else was to try pick him up. And they must supply that to his school also prior to getting access to your son. The fact is your son has seen you speaking to this man, so may now associate him with knowing Mummy and is Mummy's friend as she has spoken to him and if he was to call him away from you or attempt to collect him at school, your son may not be as wary as he would be with a perfect stranger.

So everyone from Mummy ( make it a game), to the childminder, grandparents, anyone else who needs to have dealings with your son must give the password so he knows it is safe to talk to or go with that person.

massiveknickers · 27/01/2017 14:27

Also maybe teach your son a code word or sentence that must be used if anyone else was to try pick him up

This. Absolutely this.

RoboticSealpup · 27/01/2017 14:28

There are some basic but effective alarms that you can get for doors and windows, which are really easy to install. You just attach one half of the device to the door and the other half to the frame. When switched on, a siren sounds when they're separated. I would do this now if I were you.

amusedbush · 27/01/2017 14:29

Crikey, that sounds really creepy! Agree with PP that you should be very firm with him and let the police know everything you've said here.

TheProblemOfSusan · 27/01/2017 14:31

You are not being paranoid, I think you're reacting completely properly to this. This is frightening and I'm so sorry.

Echoing what pp have said - talk to the police, start a diary, up your security. And talking to your neighbours was an excellent idea.

Daaaaaaan · 27/01/2017 14:37

Ok, can do shopping anytime and will absolutely change routine. Wednesday after school is only because ds has a sports class Wednesday early evening so he gets to choose what big lunch he has and any snacks for after sports (usually I decide lunch).

I'm not sure how perceptive the police will be, will ask friend who is from here.

Left home at 3.10 to collect son from school and he was crossing road to supermarket. Yelled hello 3 times, I kept walking. He actually knows my schedule? Initially posted thinking was a bit weird/freaked out - stalker no way, I'm not Gisele Bundchen. Now, ok I'm actually a lot freaked out.

OP posts:
Whiskers4 · 27/01/2017 14:39

As said before, tell the police everything you've told us. If you see him again make a note of the day and time, and report anything other than "hello". There may be nothing in it, but if he keeps popping up the police should be there to support you.

Speak to as many neighbours as you can and explain you're worried. It's doubtful he'd turn up at your home, but neighbours can at least keep any eye on anyone hanging around.

Do you work? Again, report your concerns there. They can also keep any eye open for anyone.

purpleshortcake · 27/01/2017 14:39

Sounds to me that you're right to be nervous.

How did he find you on Facebook..did you tell him your full name? also you said he sent you a message with his full address in it...who does that unless you were arranging a rendez-vous?!

I would definitely stop the Weds shop. Hopefully he will not turn up again.

Daaaaaaan · 27/01/2017 14:40

Spoke to son yesterday and told him only 2 other people other than me will ever pick him.up and only if he hears me tell him.personally that they will.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 27/01/2017 14:40

Oh Daaaaaan I'm sure you're very attractive indeed, but sadly it's not only Gisele Bundchen types that get stalkers. It can happen to any woman. It does sound like he's overly familiar with your daily routine for a normal casual acquaintance.

thequeenoftarts · 27/01/2017 14:41

Not one single person on here thinks you are over reacting in the slightest, he sounds a bit nutty and scary.

Pop into the police station on the way home and speak to them, they may already know him, btw depending on what country you are in, under the Freedom of Information Act, ask the police can they by law give out any information they hold on this person. You know his name I take it from him trying to add you on FB

TheMysteriousJackelope · 27/01/2017 14:41

I would not like that at all. If something gives you a weird feeling there is usually a reason for it.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 27/01/2017 14:45

Yep it would seem you have indeed got yourself a stalker.
Definitely vary your routine from now on & absolutely tell the police what you've wrote here.

murmuration · 27/01/2017 14:45

This sounds very creepy. Glad you talked to your son about pick up. Can you also alert the school, and particularly to let you know if they see that man?

Daaaaaaan · 27/01/2017 14:46

No, not full name at all! And my first name has a yoonique spelling but surname is only British name on mailboxes. He didn't give full address only Street name!

I didn't actually have a job interview just said that to get away from the coffee invitation

OP posts:
joystir59 · 27/01/2017 14:49

I am sure the balcony incidents are him and that he IS stalking you- it is really important you trust you instincts on this and don't try to minimise. Have you talked with your local friends? Tell people you trust that this is happening to you. Get a CCTV installed Write down everything that happens. Try and get a photo of him. If you can afford it, get burglar alarm fitted. Carry a personal alarm with you too, Next time he encounters you tell him to fuck off and leave you alone. Do it in a busy public space.

VerbenaGirl · 27/01/2017 14:54

What you have described has made me feel uneasy for you... Definitely note down all the incidents and talk to the Police about it. Also some great ideas from previous posts about getting a male friend round, telling neighbours, fake men's boots on the balcony, CCTV, etc. I think that I would also be inclined to blank this man if you see him out and about again - to give a very clear message that you are not engaging in this.

thequeenoftarts · 27/01/2017 14:54

I know you didn't have a job interview, but what I mean is stop feeding him/his ego in anyway, tell him nothing, don't reply to him, walk away from him, don't make eye contact, don't explain anything at all. Just keep saying no thank you, over and over again.Remember you don't need to explain yourself or give any reasons to someone who is clearly pestering you.