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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether you would blame an overweight child on

199 replies

Catlady1976 · 22/01/2017 19:14

The overweight parent.
I am overweight/bordering on obese but used to be much heavier.
Two of my children (late primary/early secondary) are overweight.
My dh is a normal weight but has a crap diet. When he cooks (rarely) it involves bunging a pizza in the oven or ordering a pizza. Large size for a 10 Year old which gets eaten over 2 days. When I was away for the weekend he took the kids to McDonald's and let them have large evm with coke.
When I do the cooking I try to cook healthy meals and adjust portion size to suit.
I am also he one taking the kids swimming or go the gym , park etc.
Yet often I read ( on here and other forums) that many children are overweight because they have an overweight parent or parents
So MN would you judge me for this as I am the overweight one?

OP posts:
Lugeeta · 22/01/2017 22:00

I would blame both parents. The portion size must be wrong or they are snacking a lot on high calorie food?

I am really surprised a primary age child can even eat a large Mcdonalds meal- mine had happy meals at primary school and often couldn't even finish that. And I wouldn't let a child that age order coke, mine have milk or orange juice in mcdonalds.

SouthWestmom · 22/01/2017 22:03

I think the best thing you can do is lose weight yourself tbh. How can you set an example and model good habits when you are overweight? I don't think it works like that.

DragonitesRule · 22/01/2017 22:12

I agree with smaller plate sizes-my 12yr old still have a side plate sized meal and that is adequate and she exercises an hour or so a day, as well as walking the dog

KatherinaMinola · 22/01/2017 22:30

I'd lay the responsibility with both parents.

If you're overweight/obese yourself, then what you think are healthy meals are probably not that healthy (or you wouldn't be that weight). I would try and get some advice on your diet.

However, I think it's mainly about exercise at that age - I remember going through a horrifically greedy phase in my early teens (chips and chocolate every single day) but always remained slim just because in those days most kids were - we were constantly out and about, swimming, biking, climbing trees etc. Children are a lot less active now - that seems to be the main cause behind the rise in obesity.

Original poster
Catlady1976 · 22/01/2017 22:30

I have lost 3 stone in the last year so yes I am working on it. Dd2 is 11 and has only fairly recently eaten an adult meal. I was shocked when she told me she been there and had a large meal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catlady1976 · 22/01/2017 22:39

I am working on it. I lost 3 stone in the last year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catlady1976 · 22/01/2017 22:40

Sorry didn't mean to post twice.

OP posts:
SoftSheen · 22/01/2017 22:44

If the whole family is overweight, then it does strongly imply that the family has an unhealthy diet.

Eolian · 22/01/2017 22:45

Both parents, regardless of the parents' weight.

Strongmummy · 22/01/2017 22:46

Honestly? Yes. I'd blame both parents. I'd think that you didn't have a good grip on diet and portion control and you were feeding your kids similarly. Good luck with your new healthy lifestyle

BuckingFrolicks2 · 22/01/2017 22:46

Yes I would.

BuckingFrolicks2 · 22/01/2017 22:47

Both parents, not just the mum

Original poster
Catlady1976 · 22/01/2017 22:59

Dh isn't overweight as he never eats breakfast. He sometimes doesn't eat till evening when he snacks.
So although he probably eats the wrong foods he isn't overweight.
My weight is on the way down. I probably did overeat previously when the kids were at school due to various bereavement in close proximity. But I always have tried to eat properly in front of them and to cook from scratch as much as possible.
But thankfully I am starting this year 3 stone lighter and I intend to set a good example.

OP posts:
FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes · 22/01/2017 23:01

I would.

Gileswithachainsaw · 22/01/2017 23:06

Not sure blame in this situation is helpful tbh. Arguing Iver who's responsible is a waste of time that all of you could be using to come up with how you plan to overhaul the situation.

Tbh people always say "we only have X once a month etc" but with both parents of the mindset that it's OK to have X cos we haven't had it in a month whilst simultaneously forgetting that you had Y three days ago and Z the week befire that, and you easily could end up having surprisingly more crap than you first thought you did.

At some point the kids do need to take a bit of responsibility for themselves. I mean we can't follow them everywhere, we can't be there stopping them piling biscuits onto plates at parties or delving into sharing bags of doritos on the bus with friends etc. That's where the good habits need to come in and I'm. Not entirely sure storing crisps in the car like some kind of buried treasure is going to instill good habits. If anything it's going to make all this stuff you are hiding seem.really exciting.

The pair of you need to work together and realise that being healthy and being slim aren't the same thing. Just because someone eats shit all the time and stays skinny doesn't mean that actually they are healthy or that eating that way won't negatively impact someone else who decides to follow suit.

Blame is not going to change what's happened it's just going to be a stick you will beat each other with.

Focus on what you can do from now on Flowers

JerryFerry · 22/01/2017 23:10

Well done on losing 3st, that's a fantastic achievement and a great example to the kids.

ellamoromou · 22/01/2017 23:22

I have to be honest OP but in the main the children who were overweight in my son's year group had one or both overweight parents.

Well done on your weight loss - and well done recognising that you need to change your child's eating habits. As has been said before, a macdonald's/pizza a couple of times a week doesn't make an obese child, it is overeating constantly. Don't make the mistake of not buying crisps and sweets though - a normal, healthy eating pattern includes this - my cousin was denied sweets except on special occasions and she was obsessed with them - whenever she got the chance as a child (11/12+) she'd be straight to the sweet shop and gorge - whereas me and my siblings who had sweets occasionally didn't.

Original poster
Catlady1976 · 22/01/2017 23:22

Thank you. I am not sure how to tackle it really Re the crisps. I am happy to not buy them. They are a temptation to us all. However, I am not sure if dh will give them up. Hence why I suggested car but bringing in enough say on a Friday so kids can have one bag.
By buying multi pack I can see how easy it is to binge on them if they are there.

OP posts:
JerryFerry · 23/01/2017 00:20

I don't think that's necessarily true about the sweets. I don't buy sweets. My kids get given them by others and they don't touch them. I'm the same - we are just generally underwhelmed by sweets. They are allowed ice creams and other occasional treats, just not as part of everyday foods.

tobecontinued2000 · 23/01/2017 00:31

I wouldn't blame anyone.

I was a very active child. I ate what my brother, sister and parents ate and I was still overweight.

Their current diet doesn't sound terribly unhealthy although improvements could be made but overall, it doesn't seem too bad.

Could you incorporate some further exersize into their routine? Even if it's just dancing around the living room, extra trip to the park, walk the dog, etc.

Going by some of the replies on this thread, I feel sad that the chances are that my parents were judged for me being overweight when I was little even though my brother and sister were healthy weights.

Atenco · 23/01/2017 00:37

JerryFerry's advice is excellent.

I also wanted to comment on McDonalds. There were six girls in my dd's primary school and none of them were fat. But four of them were brought up to consider McDonalds a treat and the other two were never taken there. Now, as adults, all the ones who went to McDonalds are shockingly obese, while the other two are slim.

MrsBlennerhassett · 23/01/2017 00:41

I was overweight as a child and both my parents are slim and did not feed me crap. I was quite sedate tho and did not enjoy sport. So sometimes i do think it may be more to do with the personality of the child if they are slightly overwieght.
In the case of obesity though i would think the parents were to blame because it would be very hard to become obese if they were being fed a reasonable diet at home. I would think the parents were equally responsible whether they were overweight themselves or not.

OptimisticSix · 23/01/2017 00:50

I have four DC at home one of whom is fat. He wasn't until around 10 when I allowed him to walk to school/home on his own and he had to walk past a shop. That year he and all of his friends put on weight, a lot of weight. At first I couldn't work out why and then I realised so I stopped all pocket money. He continued to get fatter so I family members giving him money. Fatter still. Eventually just before Christmas this year (now 12) I found a ridiculous amount of sweet packets hidden away in his room and realised he was taking money Sad one of his nans was still giving him money (and sweets) behind my back and that his friends were all giving him sweets. So awful. So now I take him to school. I meet him every day for lunch (his senior shool lunch options are appallig and if I give him packed lunch he doesnt eat it hisfriends just give him sweets) and I pick him up. Every day. It is horrendous but I don't know what else to do. I've taken all he money in the house and hidden it as well, oh and I make him do 30 minutes high intensity exercise with me. Every day. I am not enjoying all of this and wonder if it pointless because once I stop policing his life will he not just return to normal? But really, I don't know what else to do... so (sorry for the ramble) I don't judge anyone.

mmgirish · 23/01/2017 05:58

Well done on losing 3 stone. That is a fantastic achievement. I try not to keep loads of rubbish at home otherwise our nanny would give it to the kids to eat. If I see overweight kids I do think it is the parents fault if I'm honest...

Idefix · 23/01/2017 06:35

Optimistic I don't think it is pointless, you are trying to ensure your ds becomes a healthy weight. I wish someone had stopped me from sneaking sweets and money to buy sweets as well as having money daily for a tuck shop in school which sold a huge range of sweetsand crisps.

If you are able to maintain this your ds will lose weight and hopefully come to like his new body shape, feel better about himself.

I have no words for the nan who continues to encourage the unhealthy behaviour.