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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want to gauge opinion re party invites. Would this make you want to refuse an invitation?

158 replies

KlingybunFistelvase · 22/01/2017 18:06

A relative of mine sent out emails a while ago inviting lots of us to their birthday party (it's a big birthday). The party is coming up soon and they haven't received any rsvps from anyone except immediate family, which is a bit sad, and I wonder if it's because the invite was a bit off-putting?

I'll not post the invite here, as don't want to put myself too much, but basically the email asked everyone to bring a dish to the party. It is a theme party, so the dishes are all supposed to fit with the theme. Everyone is meant to try all the dishes and it's meant to be a bit of fun I think. It's not that the relative doesn't want to provide food or that they can't afford it; tasting each other's dishes meant to be the entertainment I think.

I don't mind bringing something along at all, especially as I am family. In fact, I would have offered even if I hadn't been asked, but I suppose I am used to parties just being parties where the host provides food, drinks etc and everyone else just attends or offers to bring something.

Aibu to think the invite was a bit off-putting for some people?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/01/2017 20:24

'I work FT and have kids and I wouldn't go buying anything new, I could wear all my bracelets that I already have all at the same time, Borrow one of DHs teeshirts and put a belt round it, and frizz up my hair and do a high pony.. no extra cost/very little time
And it's not hard/expensive to pick up some party rings and a ready made trifle on the way…. doesn't have to require sourcing and making from scratch….
… unless you're looking for a reason to say no anyway..'

80s is pretty easy. In your opinion it's not hard or expensive, but plenty of people have outlined exactly why it is for them.

OP, 'organised fun' to many means being railroaded into doing things they might not like or worse and if the birthday host is known for this, that may be why there haven't been many RSVPs. Being pressured into eating foods I don't like or that may make me sick (lactose intolerant) sounds like my idea of hell.

Big tight of the hostess, too, to host a big birthday party where everyone else brings the food.

Dahlietta · 22/01/2017 20:25

I wouldn't go to something like that, but I am incredibly miserable about organised fun and find most people are more generous of spirit than I am.
I would suggest a follow up email, perhaps with a clause of, please do feel free to come even if you don't feel you can contribute a dish.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 22/01/2017 20:26

Hopefully you can help her send out some reminders and go from there? I'm not sure you can backtrack on the theme now. It should be a fun party with a smaller turnout, I just hope she doesn't take it too personally.

Really fancy a black forest gateaux and a caterpillar face now.

Original poster
KlingybunFistelvase · 22/01/2017 20:30

Thanks everyone.

Yes, I will suggest a follow up email asking for rsvps. I don't think I'll mention scrapping the theme this time round. It would be a little pointless. Next time she says she wants to throw a party I might gently mention making it a little more relaxed.

OP posts:
Ncbecauseitshard · 22/01/2017 20:30

My issue wouldn't be taking a dish but that people would know what I'd bought and be commentating on it during the tasting. I'd be a total ball of anxiety.

BackforGood · 22/01/2017 20:30

Like so many others, the whole "organised fun" just sounds like hard work to me.

I've been to a party where host said please all contribute a dish rather than bringing any presents and I thought that was a great idea but nobody had to go in fancy dress - which is crucial - and everyone could just bring their speciality (if they liked cooking) or opt for something they can buy if they don't.

If I'd had that e-mail, unless it was someone i was really really close to, I'd probably notice that i was already busy that night. (I would reply though).

Original poster
KlingybunFistelvase · 22/01/2017 20:31

Also want a Black Forest gateaux.

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 22/01/2017 20:32

Aren't all parties "organised fun" to some degree? isn't that the point?

Purplebluebird · 22/01/2017 20:32

I would be put off if it was someone I don't know. If a relative/friend of mine, I would normally bring something anyway, so it would be fine. If for some random person in my son's class at school, I wouldn't be so keen.

It does sound like a bit of hassle though. Fancy dress + themed food = costly both in money and time. That's the main reason I can think of.

Leeds2 · 22/01/2017 20:33

I think that would be wise Klingy!

I personally am very anti social, and wouldn't attend anything that even hinted at fancy dress. Understand a lot of people love it. I don't!! Would also hesitate about anything requiring me to bring food. Would happily take bottles of booze.

BackforGood · 22/01/2017 20:35

Maybe 'organised fun' is the wrong word.
When I'm invited to a party, I just want to be able to turn up at appointed time and enjoy it.
The thing with this is youve got lots of preparation to do (deciding and sourcing fancy dress, deciding on dish, finding recipe, getting ingreds, making, transportting to venue) plus the worry of - what if I'm the only one in fancy dress / what if my food isnt very tasty/ etc.

MadMags · 22/01/2017 20:36

If it had just been an era theme it would still be a bit naff but not as bad!

It's too all over the place. And I wouldn't want to taste loads of dishes as I said.

Figure17a · 22/01/2017 20:36

I'd be fine about taking food, but fancy dress puts me off. We were invited to a party I'd have really liked to go to at new year. We spent quite a bit of time thinking about costumes but didn't come up with anything we loved and even if you're creative and will do it yourself (I'm not) costumes for a family of four cost ££££. They also said fancy dress optional but who wants to be the boring old farm who turns up without it?

I also took a long time to rsvp because it genuinely took a long time to decide what to do.

expatinscotland · 22/01/2017 20:39

'Aren't all parties "organised fun" to some degree? isn't that the point?'

No, plenty are just piss ups.

EggnoggAndMulledWine · 22/01/2017 20:40

I have a bit of a fear of eating food made by someone I don't know in their house iv not been in and don't know the cleanliness of the kitchen. So having to try it all would freak me out about going and also I hate fancy dress. Especially when it says optional. I mean do you go normally dressed and everyone else is dressed up. Or go dressed up and everyone else is dressed normal.

Think I'd be a bit put off.

MudCity · 22/01/2017 20:42

I'm thinking pink blancmange, Arctic roll, fruit salad for the 1970s. Would be stuck for fancy dress though...

Vienetta for the 80s....do they still sell it? Frankie Says or Choose Life T-shirt if I could find a T-shirt print shop somewhere. With brightly coloured leggings. Or a shell suit. White stilettos and white handbag with everything. Those were the days.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 22/01/2017 20:46

That's an irritating theme.
I'd have to research what people wore in the 80s, find/ buy new clothes for it, quite possibly look shit, research, buy and prepare food, then go along and eat food that isn't popular now for a reason. Oh, and maybe feel embarrassed that my costume and food would be v lazy compared to others.

I love parties, but would normally grab a bottle from Sainsbury on the way as a contribution, so this is a hassle in comparison.

She should email again and say that she will provide all food (can do from different eras if she likes) and fancy dress is optional.

MudCity · 22/01/2017 20:47

Oh, and those black lace gloves....think Madonna wore some in Desperately Seeking Susan and leg warmers as is Flashdance or Fame. Trouble is that was all 80s and I was born in the 70s. Would have to take a few years off my birth date...

I'll come OP.

GplanAddict · 22/01/2017 20:48

Where is this party, and can I come???
It sounds brilliant!!

There's a lot of miserable people on this thread! I'd like to think if it was my friend/relative's special birthday, I'd make an effort and go even if it wasn't my idea of fun.

Unfortunately, and I have no idea why RSVP ing has gone out of fashion, even for weddings :(

TinselTwins · 22/01/2017 20:48

Vienetta for the 80s....do they still sell it?

They do. It tastes shit though. I can't remember if it tasted shit in the 80s or not? it was definitely considered a treat though!

Cherrysoup · 22/01/2017 20:49

The fancy dress thing would have made me knee jerk refuse. Can't bear it, it's all so cringe worthy.

BalloonSlayer · 22/01/2017 20:52

God you're all so bloody YOUNG. I was born in 19 sodding 64 and I'd have to dress up like Cilla Black and bring a tin of corned beef

throwingpebbles · 22/01/2017 20:57

The party sounds awesome to me!!!

I expect she just needs to chase up for RSVPs. People are pretty dreadful at replying I find.

Unless she picked a really awkward venue /time?

manicinsomniac · 22/01/2017 20:58

I don't think it's the theme or the food or the fancy dress that is the explanation.

All the people who are saying they wouldn't like it are saying they would decline not just ignore the invitation. Not RSVPing is rude or disorganised and for the whole invite list to be like this pretty much en masse I'd say the explanation has to be that an email is easily forgotten about and might have been seen like a pre invite.

I don't think your relative should be too worried about the theme thing, it sounds fine. There will always be a few people who really wouldn't go because of something not being their thing but, to go from mumsnet, you'd think it was common. It really isn't! Most people in real life just want to celebrate with their friends and will go along and enjoy anything. Especially as most people have a group of friends that is at least reasonably likeminded. So, if all your friends hate organised fun, you'd know that and wouldn't plan something like this.

I'd enjoy a party like this. Parties have to be organised fun for me or I struggle. If there's no sense of structure and you have to just socialise freely, drink etc then I freeze up and get a panic attack. But give me a theme and activities and I feel like I know what the deal is and I can cope. I wouldn't like the food idea but that's because I'm both fussy and unable to eat in front of people so the food aspect of any party is a problem for me. But people I know well don't expect me to eat so it's no problem.

Definitely get her to send a reminder email.

diddl · 22/01/2017 20:59

Ha Balloon-I'm also 60s-& before 64!!

I've probably got a mini dress somewhere, but no knee high white bootsGrin