Hen do dramas

[Sunshinerainbows123]

So I don't think I'm being unreasonable but happy to be corrected!

One of my really good friends (I am a bridesmaid) is getting married this year and the hen do is at the end of Feb. Her maid of honour told me the dates it would be some time ago. I explained that I would have to leave on the Saturday night as it is my dads 50th birthday on the Sunday so obviously can't miss that obviously wouldn't expect the dates to change for me but also can't change the date of my dads birthday. Was told this was fine.
I kept asking if anything needed to be done or if I could help in anyway and the maid of honour said it was all in hand. Kept asking for more details but got nothing back until yesterday. Saying I needed to give bride 180 pounds for accommodation for 2 nights in Brighton! I said that's a lot of money and asked how much the activities would be on top. Bride called furious saying that I shouldn't stress about money!!! And that I knew about the weekend for ages (but no finer details such as ones or location until now) and I'd already gotten out of half the weekend which has upset her. I said its really not a lot of time to expect people to get that sort of money together and I would struggle to do this and also pointed out I'm not actually staying both nights but still expected to pay for both so that it doesn't cost others more. I'm really annoyed and have no idea how I'm going to get this money together. This is so unlike my friend to be like this.
I know If I mention the money again she'll go off on one again

I think your idea of chipping in £30 each to cancel the house is as good as it's going to get for the bride and MoH. They can either cut of their noses and refuse, finding themselves without guests or they can suck it up, agree, and have the hen closer to home so everyone can enjoy it.

The whole thing sounds like a huge mess that can only get worse if only a couple of people turn up and have to pay for the huge house.

The bride's explanation does not really sound credible - if she really thought that the MOH was "surprising her" did she not question why she was being asked for the deposit - surely if MOH had really cleared costs and location with everyone the attendees would all have chipped in for the deposit prior to a firm booking

Thank god I am of the era when no one had a hen do (or a stag either).Now people marry so much later, and often after living together for ages ,it seems bizarre to me to be 'celebrating your last night of freedom' which is how they started I think .The idea of brides mother and future mother in law attending is quite recent I think .?.Presumably anyone on your hen night will be coming to your wedding ,so you will have a chance to catch up with them then?.And assuming many of them know each other they will get the chance to catch up with each other then too .If the bridesmaids have never met then a getting -to -know -you -meal might be nice I suppose .Most 'dos'sound so raucous to me I doubt anyone does much chatting
I suspect they are becoming like weddings -fiercely competitive.

Hen nights (and stag) are an abomination and ought to be banned by law. Not helpful I know, but you've already had a shedload of advice.

My hen night was just that, one evening which people made or didn't. I don't give a flying flump if she's your mate and its her hen do, she has no right to treat you like that. I think I'd either have a frank chat mentioning that she seems to have grown a large green scaly tail over this weekend, or decide that as the do is in Brighton, something you've only just been told by the MoH, it's not feasible for you to be there as you need to be in Manchester on Sunday (unless you live near Brighton anyway, that's a heck of a drive to Manchester as it could take you three hours just to get up and around the M25).

Well at least you've told her that you're not going, so the pressure is off.

She's definitely a bridezilla. I think it's very unfair they have advised you the cost now. They would have had an idea on cost when they booked everything. I would certainly speak to the bride about it all

I couldn't find £180 just like that...I had to say no to being a bridesmaid to a close friend as I'm utterly skint...

See the other 5 who have had to drop out?
Make like them.
They have their heads screwed on.
Not their problem.

MOH is totally out of order.
Bride sounds like a stampy footed cow too.
If it's not a lot of money, in her opinion, then you don't need to worry about her having to pay it, do you?!

You offered a solution. It was rejected.

Presumably you are close as you are a bridesmaid. I would send one short email to her with all the facts (lying MOH) and what you offered (though) the offer has expired now - just so that if she calms down later she can go back and see the error of her ways

But mostly I'd stick with "I always said I could only do one night and I've asked repeatedly about costs. It's too high, I'm sorry to miss it".

And walk away because it's going t implode and the people most involved in trying to sort it out will cop the most shit, trust me.

It has all gone crazy. The what's app message between everyone has got out of control. I'm just staying out of it. Bride not talking to me and said I've ruined our friendship. Im hoping she will calm down as we have been friends a very long time. I'm actually really upset about it all. If I'd been allowed to help organise in the first place I wouldn't have let such a royal fuck up happen.

That sounds horrible. It's obviously not just you that can't/doesn't want to pay so hopefully she will calm down and return to normal once all the stress is over

Ruined your friendship? Really?

I hope she calms down, but wow, she needs to take a good hard look at how she's acting when half of her hen party has pulled out for the same reason: lying, disorganized, last minute planning MOH and her too expensive, too far hen do.

Just send the bride the proof and a goodbye.

To be fair, if she's going to blame you for not having £180 to spare when this is the MoH's doing (and refuses to listen to you), then I would argue that the friendship has run its course. She's getting married, she doesn't get to rule her friends' lives.

Wish her a lovely wedding, a lovely life, and then walk away.

Friends don't shit on each other like that.

If her idea of a good friendship means you ponying up money you dont have for things you dont want to do and keep on paying out indefinitely then she is no friend.

I suspect that when all the wedding palaver is over she will be feeling very silly. Whether she comes back and apologises will be the real test of what kind of friend she is.

I would probably email her off the group and ask if she would rather you stepped down as bridesmaid as tbh I wouldnt want to do it after this. But let the decision be hers (in her head at least).

What are they all sagung on whatsapp and why is it your fault?!

Why what's happened on what's app?

I'm not sure I'd be overly forgiving if the bride wanted to come crawling back. None of this was your fault in the slightest. If she wants to be mad at anyone, it needs to be her MoH who well and truely fucked this up. Given so many are annoyed, how can she not see this.

bride is probably very upset and hurt by moh's crap organisation, lying and tardiness but at same time feels she has to defend her or she kisses her fancy hen do goodbye.

def don't get involved in the group chat just tell us what they're saying

i think i'd send her a pm in a couple of days to explain your position and see if there's some way you can work through this. don't throw a long friendship away over fuckwittery in a high stress situation. and getting married really is high stress. cut bride a little slack. moh on the other hand...

I would find it hard not to say that to her HarryPotter

"I have done nothing wrong. I offered to help MOH and she turned that help down (I can forward texts confirming this if you dont believe me). I simply said that I cannot afford the amount of money this weekend will cost with the amount of notice we have all been given. IF you feel that our friendship is wrecked then that is very upsetting but your choice. I felt I had to send this to you as I refuse to be blamed for a situation that was ultimately down to MOH and her lack of organisation, or indeed understanding of other peoples financial situations."

But that really would put the cat amongst the hens!

Oh and I would send it to the Whatsapp group to make sure that everyone knew!

Whilst I think some people need space to breathe it's often better to say "this has upset me a great deal, I do care but these facts (how we're being expected to fork out this much without being asked) have caused this situation and You cannot expect us to be blamed for this and bail this situation out"

crapfriends put it better and less inflammatorially (made up word!) than me!

Staying out of it is the right thing. I think all you can do now is wait for the proverbial dust to settle and see what remains.

I think the bride has picked the MO, so to speak, so she doesn't lose her MOH for her wedding on top of the hen do which is falling apart.

Jeeeze sounds very similar to my hen do nightmare, I've been made MOH for my best friend with about 8 'alpha type' bridesmaids.....trying to organise stuff for months but had no clear answers in numbers, what activities we were wanting to do budgets etc etc, can't book a hotel without numbers of people willing to go, same with several other activities...then when I think I've got it nailed down and I need deposits to secure no one could afford it and we all agree to revisit it after Xmas when everyone is more flush.... Cue bride freaking out that nothing is organised... She panicked books a hotel and a meal when we already do have some stuff like food pre poked as it didn't need a deposit...I'm getting the blame left right and centre that I didn't organise any of this so the poor bride has to....(if you bitches pay your deposits it would have been done in October....) how could I be so selfish, I'm ruining her day etc etc......so the hotel she booked in a panic I can't afford so I said I would stay at the hostel nearby (it's actually really nice) cue another kick off about how she wants us all staying together and the other hens saying I'm ruining her day again I'm so selfish.....I cried down the phone at my mother who kindly agreed to help me cover it until I can pay her back......another activity they have organised was a treetop event....I've know for sometime that my partner and I were planning a family so I was very upfront months and months ago that I would go with them but not participate due to possibly being pregnant (also it's expensive and I've done it load before and being up a tree in March sounds like shit to me) so this has been known for months.....suddenly they are trying to book it now and freaking that there might be no places etc etc and I said well you can count 1 less for me as I'm not going up.....the abuse I got.....I've just had an operation, my own wedding is in 2 weeks time and my pregnancy is hanging in the balance and apparently I'm being selfish ...... I've already paid for my own dress, shoes, accessories, hair, makeup, transport, special hen outfit, hotel, hotel for hen, activities for hen, paid my share of activities for the bride......and they still want me to pay NOT to climb a fucking tree because it might jeopardise my already dodger pregnancy.......the response I got....'this is the brides special day FrostyPop, stop making it all about you' I'm going to throttle one of them with a sparkly hen do sash at this rate......