Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do dramas

339 replies

Sunshinerainbows123 · 22/01/2017 07:39

So I don't think I'm being unreasonable but happy to be corrected!

One of my really good friends (I am a bridesmaid) is getting married this year and the hen do is at the end of Feb. Her maid of honour told me the dates it would be some time ago. I explained that I would have to leave on the Saturday night as it is my dads 50th birthday on the Sunday so obviously can't miss that obviously wouldn't expect the dates to change for me but also can't change the date of my dads birthday. Was told this was fine.
I kept asking if anything needed to be done or if I could help in anyway and the maid of honour said it was all in hand. Kept asking for more details but got nothing back until yesterday. Saying I needed to give bride 180 pounds for accommodation for 2 nights in Brighton! I said that's a lot of money and asked how much the activities would be on top. Bride called furious saying that I shouldn't stress about money!!! And that I knew about the weekend for ages (but no finer details such as ones or location until now) and I'd already gotten out of half the weekend which has upset her. I said its really not a lot of time to expect people to get that sort of money together and I would struggle to do this and also pointed out I'm not actually staying both nights but still expected to pay for both so that it doesn't cost others more. I'm really annoyed and have no idea how I'm going to get this money together. This is so unlike my friend to be like this.
I know If I mention the money again she'll go off on one again

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 22/01/2017 21:19

I would be so tempted to say

"Stop trying to guilt trip me into going. Regardless of whether it is good value for money, it is money I simply don't have. If this had been organised sufficiently far enough in advance I would have been able to budget for it"

Mumzypopz · 22/01/2017 21:37

The bride and moh decided that the bride should pay £500, if it's all cancelled, it's not for all the guests to give her £30 each!!! Think you should just walk away and leave them to it.

rollonthesummer · 22/01/2017 21:38

Can you tell us how many people are still going? How many are really happy with paying out an increasing and unknown amount of money?!

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/01/2017 21:55

Where does bride live? Can you do something local to her on the saturday?

Spa day or afternoon tea/meal?

Insane to put £500 on credit card as a deposit. If half have pulled out means too costly

When is wedding?

Assume march if hen do end of feb

haveacupoftea · 22/01/2017 22:06

Tbh if she thinks £180+?? Isn't a lot of money, she can probably afford to lose the £500 deposit.

Londonjam · 22/01/2017 22:28

Poor bride! 😮 hope you find a solution

HelenDenver · 22/01/2017 22:30

Something similar happened to us over a family holiday and the company let us move the deposit to another booking as long as we rebooked within a year. Maybe this is an option?

Iamastonished · 22/01/2017 22:31

"Tbh if she thinks £180+?? Isn't a lot of money, she can probably afford to lose the £500 deposit."

Or sub everyone else.

AddToBasket · 22/01/2017 22:35

I feel sorry for the bride, but yeah, quit now. How many people were originally meant to be going?

Divide the £500 by that, transfer it to her and say you'll have an evening out with her other time.

sniffle12 · 22/01/2017 22:52

This has happened to every hen I've been to; MOH/one or two bridesmaids monopolise the planning, get carried away, cost is too high, loads of drop-outs, everyone else has to cover the cost, MOH or bridesmaid end up out of pocket and complain.

When I got married I left the planning to my bridesmaids but insisted it would be one night and cost no more than £50 a head. Even then they still got carried away and were looking at 2 nights, a swish apartment costing £150 a head, etc. In the end I had to step in and plan it myself.

Not sure when hen nights started becoming so much fuss!

IMissGrannyW · 22/01/2017 23:01

Despite your updates, Sunshine I think this is really, really sad for everyone. The bride's done nothing wrong, other than fork out 500 quid and is probably panicking about it. Even the natural baddie - the MoH - just sounds like she's a bit crap and rubbish. Not evil or nasty. It's just all gone tits-up. The MoH's fault, but more out of crap-ness than some evil master-plan.

PLEASE try and get the bride to ring the venue and speak to someone and just throw themselves on their mercy. They might say 'no', they might be amazing. Given that this thread is already on social media (and BOUND to end up in the Daily Fail) there might be some positive publicity for them if they're kind and generous and refund, even partially.

I love the idea (don't know if it's possible or practical) of the Hens all giving a bit of money (£30 been mentioned) to offset the cost of the deposit. If you can all afford it, that's a lovely message to the bride that you all love her.

And then all of your just do something smaller scale locally, and have a lovely evening.

IMissGrannyW · 22/01/2017 23:09

This has happened to every hen I've been to; MOH/one or two bridesmaids monopolise the planning, get carried away, cost is too high

But I can absolutely see how this happens, sniffle, and there's nothing nasty or grabby about it. It'll be the MoH or chief bridesmaid or a close family member (or a combination) and they'll meet for a boozy evening to discuss, and they'll be looking at what's available and where and thinking about what the bride would like or has said she wants and trying to accommodate that. And they'll google and find xxx, but then they'll look some more, and see yyy, which is so absolutely perfect, and only £50 more expensive, which would only be £3.50 per person attending (etc, etc) and so it escalates, but without malice or bad thought, and then it all goes wrong because it's expensive so people pull out and then it gets REALLY expensive.

Jeeze. Glad we just had a meal and an evening in the pub!

sniffle12 · 22/01/2017 23:32

But I can absolutely see how this happens, sniffle.

Totally, IMissGrannyW - and I think there's also the issue that presumably for the bridesmaid(s) and MOH, this is one of the most important weddings they'll ever attend, and so they (who are planning it) are probably willing to spend quite a lot more on it than the other attendees.

Personally I had quite a few drop-outs to my own hen (even after trying my best to make it reasonably priced, only one night, etc.) - but tried not to take it personally as they weren't my absolute closest friends, and there have definitely been times when the situation has been reversed and I've found convenient excuses not to go to the hens of less close friends when money is tight and I have bigger priorities at that moment.

Hope everything gets sorted for you OP!

EmeraldScorn · 23/01/2017 04:05

£180 for accommodation, then you'd need to factor in the cost for petrol (or whatever mode of transport you'd be taking), food, drinks, activities and a gift for the bride-to-be; So you'd be looking at roughly £300-£400!

That's madness in my opinion, I could never expect other people to be out of pocket to appease me.

If everyone was asked to pay £180, then the cost of the rental house must have been extortionate to begin with - Why not a B&B or a budget hotel? It sounds very poorly planned and I'm not surprised that you're having doubts about attending.

Christmas was only a few weeks ago, January is a long month and money is tight at this time of year for most people, if the bride doesn't understand that then she's just being selfish and that's not your problem.

You can only commit to things that you can afford, I can only imagine the expense of the activities.

I can't believe that the bride-to-be willingly paid £500 upfront as a deposit, that alone would have started alarm bells for me.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, I hope things turn out well!

Iamastonished · 23/01/2017 07:26

Is a hen do gift a thing now? As well as a wedding gift?
Blimey!

Letseatgrandma · 23/01/2017 07:30

How many people are actually going, OP?

Mix56 · 23/01/2017 09:33

Wow, the very fact that several people are pulling out should show them that the distance & money required is preventing her from having a good party.
The MOH/her have misjudged & should have a major rethink fast

HarryPottersMagicWand · 23/01/2017 10:51

Another one saying this mess is not your doing and it's tough shit on them if they don't like the amount of people pulling out. Shouldn't have been so damn unreasonable in the first place and the bride needs to see how ridiculous her MoH has been and take over the organising herself, not guilt tripping friends into attending just bevause she happily handed over a ridiculous deposit.

croon979 · 23/01/2017 11:49

Whilst I totally agree with everyone saying it is not the OPs doing, I think the OP has to be careful as to how it is handled as the last thing she will want, I presume, is for this to blow up and ruin the rest of the wedding build up/wedding itself or her relationship with the bride. The bride will be stressed about people dropping out. It strikes me that the advice 'just leave them to it and back away' is perhaps easier said than done and not that realistic or helpful.The reality is that the OP is the bride's friend. Whilst the OP is in no way to blame for the currency mess, if it was me, I would want to try and get it back under control for the brides sake. I would speak to MOH and try and explain why this is only going to get worse if you don't do some damage limitation now. If the OP simply wipes her hands off it, I can see her being unfairly painted as the bad guy. It is very easy for people unconnected to the situation to suggest a bullish approach.

MackerelOfFact · 23/01/2017 12:12

The MOH has fucked up massively, and is lying to cover herself. She's lied about the other 'hens' knowing the location, agreeing the cost, and refusing to help her plan. Now she's turning the bride against everyone else by trying to pin it all on them! She sounds like a piece of work, in all honesty, or at the very least extremely naive/young and disorganised.

As HelenDenver suggested, they might transfer the deposit to another booking. I have had to do the same when everyone pulled out of a group skiing holiday (after all agreeing... never again). That's only if it's with a decent operator though, if it's direct with the owners or through Booking.com or something it's probably not going to happen.

rollonthesummer · 23/01/2017 12:16

If the OP simply wipes her hands off it, I can see her being unfairly painted as the bad guy

Why though? Why would the op be blamed and not the other (at least) 5-6 people who also can't go who also must be the bride's friends?

Frillyhorseyknickers · 23/01/2017 12:18

Hen dos cause the most stress and upset out of the entire wedding tbh. I organised my own in the fear that a) I would fall out with MOH as she couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery and b) I didn't want her to get any grief from anyone else.

We chose something to do together (as in, big group chat with everyone involved, everyone had a say, anyone who didn't want to/couldn't afford - no worries, local pub sesh organised)

If you're her bridesmaid, you obviously know her quite well. Just tell her she is being an arsehole, if she's any kind of friend, she will step back and take a reality check.

croon979 · 23/01/2017 12:26

Rollonthesummer - from the bride's reaction, the OP is already (unfairly) being blamed. The other drop outs are not in the same position as they are presumably not bridesmaids....all I am saying is that, if it was me, I would still try and do my bit to sort it out. Specifically by talking to the MOH who seems to have singlehandedly caused this mess to try and get her to be reasonable.

RedCorvette · 23/01/2017 12:31

As people have said, I'm not sure in real life walking away is the answer. I would go for 'helpful but firm' - I think I might set out thoughts/facts/potential concrete solutions in calm, reasonably blame-free email to both MOH and bride, so they had time to mull it over, rather than getting hysterical on the phone.

If they then continue to be arsey, I would at that point leave them to it...this is only going to get so very much worse.

Best solution by a long way would be to see if you can get the deposit back - no harm at all in asking.

As an aside, I recently organised a hen do like this, where the bride wanted a weekend away, self-catering with about 20 people asked, many of whom I didn't know, and didn't know each other.

I've wondered if I was a bit too 'organised' with it at times, too meticulous with costs, warnings that there was no pulling out if people had committed beyond a certain point etc. But this thread has given me chills and convinced me I was right...

I think it's a warning that these types of hen dos are very hard work to organise, can go wrong quickly, and it's a massive, massive amount of work to ask bridesmaids to take on.

Taytocrisps · 23/01/2017 12:41

What a nightmare! I do feel sorry for the bride though. It's stressful enough organizing your wedding without having a mess like this to sort out. The best solution would be for everyone to contribute a share of the deposit (assuming everyone is willing to do this), cancel the weekend and organize something on a much smaller scale - afternoon tea or a cheap dinner or drinks locally. The bride is probably panicking and just not thinking straight. As the cost continues to escalate, I'd imagine there will be more cancellations and they'll be left with no choice but to cancel anyway. Op you've been very reasonable offering to plan something else. I don't think there's anything you can do now except wait and see what happens. With a bit of luck the bride will come to her senses and realize what everyone here has been saying i.e. there's no point in throwing good money after bad, and go back to the drawing board.