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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say nothing

135 replies

Inarightpickleandchutney · 21/01/2017 23:53

So.. DH and his friend come back from the pub (friend is stopping here tonight) and I wake up when they open front door.
I'm laying trying to get back to sleep and overheard their conversation.

The pair of them were discussing how they thought my best friend was 'hot' 'fucking hot' and how much of a nice rack she has.

Also DH says things have gone stale with us.

They don't know I heard.

Do I let this go or go down and make an almighty scene??

OP posts:

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 22/01/2017 11:47

Internet warrior? Nope he would have been.. but then my other half isn't a disrespectful cunt.

IMissGrannyW · 22/01/2017 11:56

Hello Pickle. Are you ok? I've been thinking about you since I woke up this morning. I hope you manage to have the conversation with him at some point today and that it goes well.

As a couple of PPs have said, don't be surprised if he gets defensive. Keep as calm as you can and let him work through that embarrassment/guilt until he can come out the other side. If you do end up crying like you thought you would, then you end up crying. Because his comments hurt you and you're feeling hurt. Crying doesn't mean you can't listen and can't talk it through.

I hope you're able to talk through the 'stale' element and it ends up being an opportunity to make your relationship better in the longer term.

But I'm everso aware that this is easy for me to think/type over here in my little bubble. Like I said yesterday, if you were my friend or family member, I'd just be hugging you. Hope you've got a good support network.

happypoobum · 22/01/2017 12:08

I would not let him know I had heard but I would tell him I thought I relationship was over because it had all gone rather stale, and anyway I really fancied his best friend.

What an utter wankbadger.

I could never forgive or forget something like this.

lionsleepstonight · 22/01/2017 12:19

I would keep my focus to the 'stale' comment. You've got a hot friend and people think she's hot. No surprise there. At least you didn't hear them discussing how they think she's hotter than you. They were just confirming their appreciation of her hotness.

The fact that you don't think things are stale would make me have a long look at my relationship. Have you inadvertently slipped into a routine? How's the sex life? Any spark? Etc etc.

Use this as an opportunity to discuss and fix rather than kick off and agree by drunken chit chat.

lionsleepstonight · 22/01/2017 12:20

Agree = argue

Original poster

Inarightpickleandchutney · 22/01/2017 14:08

Thanks for all the comments, friend left this morning and the second the door was closed I said 'we need to talk'
He basically went white, realised by the look on my face and started apologies.
I said it was rude, disrespectful and asked him what the fuck he was playing at.
He put it down to the friend starting to comment and asking questions about her.
He got all bravado like and carried away and is mortified.
I said we would be discussing the stale comment later.
I've come into town to have a coffee and maybe a mooch round the shops.
I think to pinpoint it, it's not that I don't expect him to never notice anyone attractive it's the fact that he didn't come to me first to discuss it first.

I honestly didn't think things were stale at all.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 22/01/2017 14:15

Pickle I'm so sorry.

Bloody glad you've gone out and left him to stew, but I think I'd still be packing him a bag and telling him to fuck off for a while.

cherrycokehead · 22/01/2017 14:18

I think you've dealt with it really well. Going out was a good move. Good luck with the conversation when you get back - I hope he's prepared to be honest about the 'stale' comment and that things are resolved one way or the other. Let us know how you get on.

Original poster

Inarightpickleandchutney · 22/01/2017 14:21

I think I just need to ask him later why it's stale, I had no idea and how come he didn't speak to me about it.
I'm just really gutted I thought we could say anything to each other.

OP posts:

PollytheDolly · 22/01/2017 14:25

Nicely handled OP. Especially leaving him to think on it. Make sure you buy yourself something nice. Be interested to hear how the next talk goes.

KC225 · 22/01/2017 14:38

I think you have handled it well. He is mortified and apologetic. I can see how conversation could lurch that way after a few drinks. It's not right but he knows he has upset you. Anyway. he hasn't cheated and didn't even say he wanted to - he just agreed she was hot. It's not the end of the world.

Don't beat him.up over the 'stale' comment. Yes, in an ideal world he should have come to you but sometimes it's not so easy and the person you are closest seems unapproachable for fear of hurting them. Friends and I confide in each other about our relationships and I assume DH does to his. It's a shame you overhead this on the back of his comments about your friend. I am sure with honesty and a frank talk you will both get through the other side.

Good luck OP.

RortyCrankle · 22/01/2017 14:47

OP, so sorry you are having to deal with this. I think you've handled it really well so far and a great idea to leave him to stew. When you talk to him about the 'stale' comment I would start the conversation and then say nothing more. It's all for him to explain himself and sometimes silence really is golden.

Hope you buy yourself something really nice and good luck for later

AnyFucker · 22/01/2017 14:54

I like your style, op

What a dick he is

Original poster

Inarightpickleandchutney · 22/01/2017 15:05

thanks for the support, I'm feeling. Much better.
I'm going to definitely say that I was so disappointed he didn't bring up the stale thing with me, I had no idea he had a problem.
Then stop talking and see what he says.

I've also had a message from the friend apologising for the inappropriate behaviour and conversation, he's been single a long time and his mouth got the better of him.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 22/01/2017 15:30

Well done you handled it perfectly.

I think you can come back from this if you want to and if he's honest.

Mileymoocow · 22/01/2017 15:43

You've handled it so much better than I would have! Hopefully he's stewed enough to realise he's been a complete prick and has a damn good explanation as to why he let his mouth run away. Bravado or not - it's still a dick move

ems137 · 22/01/2017 15:53

Well done OP!

I wish I was as "together" as you were, I would have gone downstairs and hit the roof at the time but your approach was, by far the best!

Magzmarsh · 22/01/2017 15:59

Well done op. Remember that if your dh thinks things are stale it's up to him to freshen things up between you, make him realise that he's been taking you for granted and he needs to do some work to woo you back

DoloresVanCartier · 22/01/2017 16:18

OP I think you handled that really well.

haveacupoftea · 22/01/2017 16:42

Very true from mags...he can start chasing you now and trying to win you back. If he wanted a change up, he's got it now!

ColourfulOrangex · 22/01/2017 16:59

for OP, sounds like he knows he was a plank but definitely need to talk about the stale comment

GimmeeMoore · 22/01/2017 17:00

No its not solely up to him to win or back,woo as healthy relationship is mutual
If its stale,and if they both chose to, they both have a responsibility to work on it
Women aren't passive waiting to be wooed or for men to win them back like a prize

EZA15 · 22/01/2017 17:05

I, also, think you've handled it really well. If you've received a message from the friend I wonder if you're husband has text / spoken to him to try and put together what exactly they said when they were together. I also agree with the pp who said that it isn't always easy to go to your oh if you're thinking something about your own relationship and, instead, speak to friends initially. I know I'm guilty of this but it was a point that didn't occur to me. Hope all goes well for you for the next conversation regarding the stale comment and it's something you can both overcome should you want to xx

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 22/01/2017 17:08

There's probably a reason why the friends been single for a long time. If he leers at women's racks like a big old sweaty pasty.

Well done for keeping your cool OP. Let him talk himself out of this situation and explain exactly what he meant by stale, and find out exactly what he proposes to do to fix that from his side.

I hope it's not to awkward when your friend visits you.

GimmeeMoore · 22/01/2017 17:24

So why is the onus on op husband to fix it,if things are stale?is he the dominant partner
Potential Marriage issues and he's supposed to woo,fix,sort it?hmm
Where is op in all this?sniffing her pomander waiting to be wooed?

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