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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say nothing

135 replies

Inarightpickleandchutney · 21/01/2017 23:53

So.. DH and his friend come back from the pub (friend is stopping here tonight) and I wake up when they open front door.
I'm laying trying to get back to sleep and overheard their conversation.

The pair of them were discussing how they thought my best friend was 'hot' 'fucking hot' and how much of a nice rack she has.

Also DH says things have gone stale with us.

They don't know I heard.

Do I let this go or go down and make an almighty scene??

OP posts:

Chops2016 · 22/01/2017 06:30

I'm sorry you're going through this, I would be devastated to hear that come from my husband.

Don't mention it at all until the friend has gone and you are ready to discuss it - if you give him the heads up that you know in the morning then that gives him all day to plan his response.

haveacupoftea · 22/01/2017 07:59

I actually don't agree that a drunk mouth tells the truth. People talk a load of shite when they're drunk, especially when they're out with their mates.

I know that when my friends say someone looks hot i don't announce "I only have eyes for DP!' Neither do they...and we are all happily married or engaged with children. It's very rude and hurtful to say it within earshot of your partner but being drunk reduces your inhibitions and he probably didn't consider that you could hear.

Having said that, I would give him hell! Because he was rude and thoughtless and he shouldnt have let himself get into that state. But it certainly isn't a divorcable offence or anything to waste time worrying about.

Now, the going stale part - is it at all possible that this is true? Look at it really genuinely because if you feel this too then you have a great opportunity here to get your relationship kick started.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 22/01/2017 08:35

I agree with pp, don't mention it until the friend has gone. His initial reaction will likely be quite telling.

I'm married and although I could possibly, under certain circumstances, imagine agreeing that I thought someone was good looking, I wouldn't ever dream of saying anything like that about a good friend of my dh. It's just cruel and far too close to home.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 22/01/2017 09:39

He would have been straight out the door.

GimmeeMoore · 22/01/2017 09:41

straight out the door.haha that's the internet warrior talking.tellin it like it isn't

GimmeeMoore · 22/01/2017 09:48

Over xmas my mates went out to pub,on return with takeaway discussing who they fancied in rl
Her dh had come down tell her to sshhh as she was loud and he could hear
No bags were packed,no one left.it was a bawdy booze fuelled daft conversation
And yes it was in the marital home.i don't know his ears will recover

Comment to explore is "stale"

witsender · 22/01/2017 09:55

Well quite. In the context of discussing how hot a friend was, to connect that to how stale a relationship their relationship is is very telling. It is the juxtaposition of the two comments that is hurtful.

I'm not the most level headed so would have been down there kicking off, or at least when he came up I would have been quietly stewing and exploded.

user1478860582 · 22/01/2017 09:57

Deal with the stale comment and listen to what each other says. That's the crucial bit and could be the kick you both might need.

The boobs bit is just a bit cringy and wouldn't pointed humour sort it out better? We've all said stuff to our mates that we would rather our OH didn't hear!

GimmeeMoore · 22/01/2017 10:01

People are more candid,loose and can big things up with mates.theyd come back from pub
The comment to explore is stale.
All the packed bags,ripping his arse open,is hyperbole

If a woman posted on mn her that dh was going to rip her arse open,kick her out,because she got drunk and said his best mate was hot...there wouldn't be same response

downwardfacingdog · 22/01/2017 10:21

I don't see the point of making a massive scene - just tell him calmly how upset it made you feel and ask why he hadn't raised it with you if he felt things were getting stale.

Donthate · 22/01/2017 10:25

Wait til friend has gone and bring it up. Yes it was hurtful but are things stale? Maybe you can work on that together.

I agree that what he said was awful

rollonthesummer · 22/01/2017 10:28

Deciding to make a 'massive scene' is generally not a great plan-just talk.

wictional · 22/01/2017 10:29

Hope you're ok, OP!
I think I would have waited until dh came to bed and just said "stale, huh?"
Now though, I think you need to discuss it privately. although maybe you could pointedly ask the friend over breakfast if he wanted setting up with your friend as she has such a nice rack

FourToTheFloor · 22/01/2017 10:33

I'd say it to him this morning when he wakes. I wouldn't be pretending everything was all OK for the day. But I'm not good at hiding my emotions.

I'd be pretty gutted too OP

Nocabbageinmyeye · 22/01/2017 10:37

Oh i would be gutted too op, I hope you got some sleep and are feeling a little better this morning

BitOutOfPractice · 22/01/2017 10:39

Christ op I can imagine that was a kick to the guts.

I think the PPs are right though. Wait till the friend has gone and you can talk calmly. That's not yo say you shouldn't express your anger and hurt. But later on you should be better able to muster your thoughts.

Good luck

MiniCooperLover · 22/01/2017 10:43

I would wait for the friend to leave and as soon as the door is closed I'd ask 'so when did you decide we were stale?' And sit and wait ... good luck OP.

EZA15 · 22/01/2017 10:50

Did you manage to sleep at all op? I'm another one for waiting until the friend has gone. You say you didn't realise that things had gone stale (from his point of view anyway) say that to him - that you didn't realise there was a problem but as you heard their conversation you do now; and ultimately, you wish he'd had that conversation with you and not had to overhear that there were issues when he discussed it with his friend. Don't let him imply that you are wrong to feel hurt. I say that because, from experience, when someone has been caught out and it's a difficult situation - the other person will insinuate that somehow it's your fault you overheard.

Beeblossombee · 22/01/2017 11:02

I would just be straight up and honest - "I heard what you said about best friend and our relationship last night and I am hurt."

I would want at least an apology over the best friend comments, she may well be beautiful but it's disrespectful and hurtful to have to hear that in that way.

The comments about your relationship need addressing in. More serious and candid way.

To play devil's advocate, I have been out with the girls and have been known to say "I wouldn't kick him out of bed" about people we know. I am happily married and would never cheat on my husband or mean him any disrespect. I wouldn't say it if he was in ear shot either, but I would try not have double standards if I heard my husband make a similar comment when drunk and with his mates. I'm secure enough in my relationship to know we're both happy with it.

MrsA2015 · 22/01/2017 11:16

Ginkypig · 22/01/2017 11:21

I hope you managed to get some sleep

GizmoFrisby · 22/01/2017 11:25

I think I would be honest and tell him what you have heard. And that it's really hurt you. That's what I would do.

TreacleTreacleLittleStar · 22/01/2017 11:31

I would pack my bags and leave if I heard something like that..... Nothing he could say could bring us back. I'd be gone. But that's just me. (To be fair, I'm sat here single...!)

foxyloxy78 · 22/01/2017 11:38

Are you ok OP? Have you spoken to him?

passmethewineplease · 22/01/2017 11:45

How are you this morning OP?

That's a horrible thing to hear.

When is fiend due to leave?

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