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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say nothing

135 replies

Inarightpickleandchutney · 21/01/2017 23:53

So.. DH and his friend come back from the pub (friend is stopping here tonight) and I wake up when they open front door.
I'm laying trying to get back to sleep and overheard their conversation.

The pair of them were discussing how they thought my best friend was 'hot' 'fucking hot' and how much of a nice rack she has.

Also DH says things have gone stale with us.

They don't know I heard.

Do I let this go or go down and make an almighty scene??

OP posts:
SanitysSake · 22/01/2017 00:23

Hope you get some rest. Best of luck for tomorrow x

Inarightpickleandchutney · 22/01/2017 00:25

In trying not to either cry or become furious. Both options mean no sleep

Thanks for the advice. :(

OP posts:
FriendofBill · 22/01/2017 00:29

Write it out as suggested.

Start a conversation with him about his friend.
About his cock bulge.
Say he's fucking hot.

Disrespectful prick.

EweAreHere · 22/01/2017 00:29

I'm so sorry, OP. What awful things for him to say. And in your home with you in it where you might have -and did!- overhear.

So thoughtless and nasty. Your best friend! He's been checking her out! And tells his friend things have gone stale which is news to you?!

Twat.

I'm with Sanity. I'd tell him to pack a bag and go stay somewhere else ... with the friend who also thinks your best friend is so hot perhaps ... until he has something worth hearing to say.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2017 00:34

I would do what SS says

EverySongbirdSays · 22/01/2017 00:38

I agree with previous posters.

Continue to play the good hostess til friend is gone, make sure the DC are occupied/not listening (if you have any)

and then :

RIP HIM A NEW ARSEHOLE

Cheeky twat.

And yes, obviously if you aren't on the same page, re stale, that needs a reasoned discussion.

The disrespect you can give it to him with both barrels over.

I hope you are ok Flowers

Inarightpickleandchutney · 22/01/2017 00:39

I'm seriously hurt, no doubt.
We will talk about it no doubt 100%.
I don't know how to though.
Make massive scene now or calm and dignified tomorrow.
I have form for over and under reacting so I need guidance

OP posts:
IMissGrannyW · 22/01/2017 00:41

That's so horrible. I'm sorry you heard that, and sorry he said it (it might be bravado in front of a mate???).

I agree = write it down now, while it's fresh in your head.

When they wake up, say quietly to him "i overheard you last night and we need to talk when we're alone" and say no more than that. He'll either try and get rid of mate PDQ or try and stall him into staying longer (and possibly drinking again). If he does that, refuse to discuss until you're alone and sober.

Once you are, DEF say you're hurt by those comments. Ask him what he means by stale (and listen to his answers!) and agree a way forward.
Once that's done, bring up the inappropriate comments about your friend and her rack. remember, she's done nothing wrong.

This really is horrible, and i feel that what I've written isn't wrong, but also isn't appropriate for someone who's just overheard what you've overheard. If I knew you and loved you, I'd just give you loads and loads of hugs!!!!

GimmeeMoore · 22/01/2017 00:44

pack a bag and go?what an over reaction to some Bawdy Booze fuelled
Chunter
Not disputing it was inappropriate,or hard to hear.sure.but not pack a bag and go.no
Both Men and women talk candidly,loosely to mates.on mn folk talk to strangers about sex,their marriage
If it bugs you,raise it.but writing response down,getting all het up is OTT

Inarightpickleandchutney · 22/01/2017 00:45

Thank you granny I think that's a good way to plan it. I just really want to get across that this is so hurtful but I'm not sure if making a scene will allow me to do that as I will certainly cry...
Thank you

OP posts:
Inarightpickleandchutney · 22/01/2017 01:02

Thanks gimme, I admit it was hard to hear but the point is I had no clue at all.
At all. So yeah it was really a shock

OP posts:
SanitysSake · 22/01/2017 01:02

'Bawdy Booze fuelled
Chunter'...

No man who loves and respects his wife, no matter how 'conveniently drunk' would disrespect them so devastatingly. Particularly not in their own marital home, with the wife in question upstairs. It is beyond acceptable.

I would be iron-fisted about it, for sure.

Because and as has been said for centuries; 'in vino veritas'. And if that's not the case, he's at the very least, an egotistical cockwomble of gargantuan proportions who needs to get his head out of his arse before he wrecks what he has through decimating all trust, making his wife resentful and insecure about her best friend, all to sells his soul for some cheaply gained locker room gravitas.

It is un-bloody-acceptable.

GimmeeMoore · 22/01/2017 01:08

Yes it's unpleasant,but likely to be booze fuelled rubbish.not pack a bag time
Raise it,yes.but well are you saying he can't chunter with his mate,or be bit disinhibited
You see plenty men and women,drink and talk shit inc who's hot with their mates
It doesn't invalidate your marriage.doesn't mean they'd act on thinking your mate is hot
I'd ask what stale means.

GimmeeMoore · 22/01/2017 01:13

Beyond acceptable is acting on thinking the mate is hot.They weren't Openly Saying
they thought she was asleep.it wasn't said to her face to hurt her or the friend
So I'm afraid all this rip his arse open,pack a bag is the same thing.bigged up chat.

SanitysSake · 22/01/2017 01:15

I whole heartedly disagree...

The pack a bag statement, was for him to go away for a few days to think about what he'd done.

I would consider his actions a huge betrayal and wouldn't want to see him until he had something worth saying. Simples.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/01/2017 01:16

I wish I could say I agree with you, Gimmee.
However a drunken mind speaks his true feelings.
They say, don't they. If you want an honest opinion ask someone who's drunk or a child, and you're guaranteed to get the truth

PollytheDolly · 22/01/2017 01:19

Calm cool collected.

Repeat everything you heard. Keep eye contact. Try not to show emotion.

Keep calm throughout. Then await his response.

Going off on one sets the tone from outset. The above will knock him sideways.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 22/01/2017 01:20

same thing happened to me.
i never forgot it.
we are no longer together.

GimmeeMoore · 22/01/2017 01:24

Pack a bag and go is a huge over reaction and rotten advice in this situation
Content of conversation undoubtedly upset op,but huge betrayal no imo,not so
People are familiar and candid with mates, men and women discuss relationships etc in a way they probably wouldn't directly to partners
A balanced response is what did you mean by stale,that's worthy of exploration
Commenting on attractiveness of your mate whilst cringey to hear,isn't justification for Pack a bag

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 22/01/2017 01:43

It is a horrible thing to hear and awful of him to say. Sometimes people do just get carried away with a conversation when they've had a few (I am by no way excusing it) and say a bit more than they mean to.

Wait until the friend has gone tomorrow. Ask him to sit down for a chat.
Say to him.
When you got in last night and you and your friend were chatting, I was awake and heard everything you said. I am extremely hurt and disappointed in you, that you think so little of me to say such things. If he asks to what you are referring, then say that you heard him tell his friend that the marriage was stale. (Because thats the most important issue here). You are really hurt that he chose to tell his friend instead of addressing it with you. Then see what he says. If he says 'oh it was just a laugh/banter, some other rubbish excuse' then say well there must be some truth in it otherwise you wouldn't have said it. Try to resolve that one if you can, then bring up the comments about your friend. Focus on how hurtful that was because it damaged your self esteem, and really upset you.

The essential thing is to stay utterly calm throughout it so you get your point across. No yelling! Impress upon him how hurt you are, the seriousness of how betrayed you feel.

He should apologise profusely, say he realises he should have spoken to you (he may say that he just wanted to speak to his friend about it - and tbf we've all have convos with friends about our OH's before speaking to them) and then there should be some major grovelling.

If he genuinely feels things are getting stale, then do listen to his reasons and try to find a way that you could counter that or change it. However he should still be apologising for hurting you.

If his attitude is rubbish about it, that you shouldnt have been listening or he didnt mean it or you are just being silly, try again to impress upon him how hurt you are, if he is still a tit about it, then you've got license to ask him to leave until he has something useful to say about it.

Darlink · 22/01/2017 01:43

What GM said

PerpendicularVincent · 22/01/2017 01:51

I'd have confronted him there and then, and told his mate to fuck off.

However, I appreciate that this is unlikely to be the best way forward.

I hope you're ok Flowers

sofato5miles · 22/01/2017 02:05

I am not surprised you are hurt and feeling insecure.

You need to talk to him, but to be honest it is the stale bit that needs tackling. My DH finds a few of my friends hot. And TBH they are! Having small crushes on people in your circle is utterly normal.

However, the stale comment is a heads up. Wait until tomorrow after the friend has left. I would focus on that. Do also drop in about your BF but your focus should be discussing your marriage. Sounding jealous won't help but he does need to know that his comments about her upset you. However, it is how you comminicate about your marriage that is most important.

I guarantee he will feel terrible about hurting you and that may well put a bit of spark back. Honest communication and a heart to heart can bring people closer together.

If you can try the surprised, bewildered but 'on it' approach. Getting angry can shut down the communication. Fignified as possible is the way.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 22/01/2017 02:13

Ugh, I'm so sorry.

Right now say nothing.

Definitely have it out after friend is gone.

KC225 · 22/01/2017 04:22

Couldn't have been nice to hear and you have every right to be upset but I think you have to ask yourself a few questions before you 'pack him a bag'.

You say 'after all these years' and seem shocked, so one would assume he has never shown any interest in your best friend before this evening. Was the conversation 'led' by his friend? as in 'inarightpickles mate is alright' and your DH going along with it. I am not making excuses for him but knowing how 'banter/bravado' can flow with women.... When it comes down to it, he didn't say he was in love with her, that he had kissed her, made a pass at her or that he fantasised about her every night. They think she's hot with good boobs - quite juvenile really.

I would be more concerned that he thought things had gone stale. You were asked the question early on if you thought it had gone stale and you didn't reply. As the others have said, wait till the guest leaves and then discuss it with him. Chances are he won't even remember making the comments about your best friend, it's the 'stale' comment you should worry about.