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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To insist on a second child

143 replies

Yellowpear · 21/01/2017 14:03

Dd is 6. I have wanted DC2 for four years now but DH has not been so keen. He says he hypothetically wouldn't mind but first he wanted to buy a house, then it was a career change, then our wedding. I had a long chat with him before the wedding explaining how important it was to me that we try for a baby this year (because he bloody said we should!). Dd is getting older and I don't want to wait any longer. He agreed but after the wedding changed his mind and said 'in the new year'. It's now the new year and he is avoiding me, coming to bed at a different time and our sex life has dwindled to almost nill. He initiated it this morning, lasted all of 15 seconds and then withdrew at the vital moment.
I feel cheated. If he had been honest and said no more DC four years ago I could have decided to live with it or left him. Before dd we had agreed on 2 children so none of this was a surprise to him. I think he's misled me and don't know what to say when we discuss this (fight) later. I want him to be honest with me but he keeps on saying we will try 'soon'
I feel used and irrationally humiliated about what happend this morning. AIBU to not have sex with him at all until he gives me an honest answer about ttc.

OP posts:
tooclosetocall · 21/01/2017 17:50

We all have our own ideas on how many children we would like but it's out of order for a man to lead his partner on when the fertile years for a woman are limited.

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 17:55

Her dh can change his mind,and if it is a definite no more he must tell her
Based on whatever arises from their discussion there are decisions to be made
No man is obliged or compelled to get wife pg,irrespective of her age and fertility opportunities
Having a baby is an emotional,social and financial undertaking.if he doesn't want any more or is stalling then he should honestly tell her

Marynary · 21/01/2017 17:59

In that case marynary can a man legitimately pressurise/insist/force wife to have anther baby?

You're really not getting it are you?Hmm Of course it would be reasonable for a man to leave his wife if she changed her mind about having children once they were married.

TaliDiNozzo · 21/01/2017 17:59

I couldn't stay with someone who would dupe me into marrying them in those circumstances. Presuming he doesn't want another child, he must've known on some level that if he'd told you the truth that the marriage wouldn't happen.

Therefore in my mind, this is more about the DH's deception than it is about his right to change his mind. He of course does have this right, but it doesn't sound like he has done, but rather has known all along how he's felt but lied to the OP about it.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 21/01/2017 18:00

It's the lying and sneaking that is so upsetting. That presumably he decided that his wishes were so much more important that he could lie and manipulate you into it. He has taken away your choices, which is a disgusting thing to do.

I hope it's not as bad as it seems Flowers

(And no, not having sex because you are upset isn't at all about coercive control! why should you force yourself to do something so intimate when you'd be fighting against the hurt, betrayal and loss of trust you are feeling in order to give the man that upset you a good time. Ugh).

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 18:07

No,you're not getting it marynary.you said don't really get the rationale or logic of those who say that you shouldn't pressurise/insist/force him to have another child!

Really?

You cannot compel or force a husband to get his wife pg. cause she want another baby

So they need to talk.op make some choices
1.remain together,1DD no further children.
2.split up,hope you get in relationship with man who'll have a baby and dd stepchild
3.split up,with current dh.no further dc

Marynary · 21/01/2017 18:10

Reasonable,well adjusted people don't pressurise/insist/force to have babies.

It wouldn't be the OPs fault if he felt pressurise/forced to have a baby because she intends to leave him if they don't have another child. If it's a deal breaker for her, what do you expect her to do in these circumstances?

Marynary · 21/01/2017 18:14

You cannot compel or force a husband to get his wife pg. cause she want another baby

If you can't do it then why are you telling OP she shouldn't do it.Hmm The only way he will feel pressurised into having another child is if OP tells him she will leave if they don't. If that is the case though I don't see why it is wrong to tell him.

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 18:16

I'd expect her not to force or coerce her dh into being an unwilling father
I'd expect him to truthfully tell her his intentions and preferences
And from there they both decide how this progresses

MommaGee · 21/01/2017 18:19

Telling him its a deal breaker isn't forcing him to have another baby. He has the right to say fine, let's break up.

SunshinenSparkles · 21/01/2017 18:20

urgh, its awful that some people think its ok to lure someone into a committed relationship by lying about what they want or simply agreeing to everything their partner wants in the earlier stages.

It's really not ok to find out that you have spent the last 15 years of your life with a person who has been lying to you and stringing you along. As if they feel that when it comes to the crunch and they 'change their mind' or put it off that you will stay because you're in love.

It's deceitful, manipulative and controlling. What a horrible position to put someone in...can't people just be honest about what they bloody want in the first place so we all match up with like-minded individuals??

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 18:24

Friend of mine dated her dp since her 20s,she was explicit wanted kids by 30
30 came,and went.no kids.he didn't feel ready,she wanted dc.she left him
She wasn't wrong to leave him.he wasn't wrong to not have dc before he was ready
They both went on to happily have dc with other people

Marynary · 21/01/2017 18:24

I'd expect her not to force or coerce her dh into being an unwilling father

Unless you think she plans to put a gun to his head, how on earth do you think she could "force or coerce her DH" into being an unwilling father though? What exactly are you telling her not to do?? The only way I think he could feel pressurised is if she tells him that it is a dealbreaker and she will leave if they don't have another child. Are you telling her it would be wrong to tell him the truth because that would be forcing him or coercing him?

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 18:34

His actions suggest he doesn't want a baby.theyre not ttc
Usually ttc couples talk about babies, idly discuss names, domestic arrangements.impact upon finances, impact on other dc etc. Given they're doing none of this I'd say he's not want another baby

As I see it,Her Choices are
1.remain together,1DD no further children.
2.split up,hope to get in relationship with man who'll have a baby and dd stepchild
3.split up,with current dh.no further dc

Clandestino · 21/01/2017 18:38

He has the same right to say no as you would. If it were him to pressure you into having another baby and you didn't want to, would you say he'd be OK to leave you?
You are partners first. Did you fall in love with him or did you just want an inseminator? Do you still love him or is he just a sperm donor? Can you imagine your life without him?
I had to make a serious decision about having another baby as it would have had serious implications on my health. I decided that a halfway healthy Mum is better than a woman with wrecked health but two children. Would you say DH would have been right to leave me because he wanted a second child and I cheated him out of it?
To be honest, when I read some posts I really find it difficult to understand how you can justify your attitude to your partners, it's like they are some kind of temporary solution to donate as many sperms as you wish and if not, it's LOB.
I'm trying to imagine what a fathers' forum would look like if it were woman not wanting anymore children and somethings telling me it would be really ugly reading with similar posts just written by men.

IHaveBrilloHair · 21/01/2017 18:43

No matter what happens now you'll never trust him again, you're better off leaving than having a 2nd child now.

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 19:10

Mn advice can be glib. Leave him,go!scant acknowledgement of what that look like
Leaving him potentially means new accommodation,new school,shared parenting,divorce
Change in finances,daily arrangements,potential impact on dd
Do they like each other enough to remain together with 1dd.or is it an absolute another baby or she goes

SunshinenSparkles · 21/01/2017 19:16

Clandestino I don't think it's as cut and dry as that. Your situation is obviously different. You didn't lie to your partner and pretend you wanted 2 babies so he would stay with you and then just keep putting it off and stringing him along.

We only get one life and it isn't fair to pretend to be someone you are not in order to keep someone around. Women don't have forever to make babies so by lying to a woman in that way, you are using up her fertile years.

FuzzyOwl · 21/01/2017 19:18

Are the only issues you are having that you want a second child and he doesn't? If so, doesn't you current child deserve to be put first and stay in an otherwise happy family? If you have other issues, and the marriage isn't working, then I would leave. Otherwise if having another child is something you are determined to have regardless, I would tell your DH you are having this child and will do so with a sperm donor if necessary and give him the option of leaving you.

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 19:21

Haha sperm donor,yea right.what a fanciful thing to suggest

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 21/01/2017 19:22

The daughter already here also gets one life too though... are her needs for a stable family not important?

Introvertedbuthappy · 21/01/2017 19:25

Wow, no one here seems to be considering the child that actually exists. Would you honestly break up your family and have your DD see her Dad less over a hypothetical sibling which may not even happen?! Would you be happy to sit your daughter down and say that you don't want to be a family any more as you value a hypothetical little brother or sister over her and your pre-existing family?

Also I'm glad my DH isn't on here, as presumably you'd advise him to LTB as we originally talked about having 3 children. When DS1 was 6 I agreed to trying again and DS2 was born 9 months ago. I am certain I don't want another one, despite him offering to do all night feeds, parental leave etc - I am happy with two and he is making peace with that and is beginning to happily plan what holidays etc we can do with our two with the extra income. I know he still gets twinges now and again though and it horrifies me that presumably MN would say I was stringing him along and that he should leave me, throw me out and tear apart our beautiful family in the process.

Wow.

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 19:25

Ok,so how's that conversation go...1st to dd,well darling, mummy's having a baby with a man you'll never met.in fact mummy won't meet him.but we'll have a new wee baby
2nd...well dh seeing you won't get me pg. again I'm going ahead to have a sperm donor baby. You're free to leave me btw

Marynary · 21/01/2017 19:35

I don't think this scenario is the same as having fewer children (e.g. two rather than three) once married though. OP hasn't had any children with her DH since marriage despite making it very clear beforehand that it was very important to her. If he had said he didn't want a child post marriage, she probably wouldn't have got married in the first place so I think she is entitled to feel deceived.

SunshinenSparkles · 21/01/2017 19:35

I didn't say she should leave her hubby...that's up to her to decide whats best. All I'm saying is that it's a hugely unfair situation to be put in.