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AIBU?

AIBU To insist on a second child

143 replies

Yellowpear · 21/01/2017 14:03

Dd is 6. I have wanted DC2 for four years now but DH has not been so keen. He says he hypothetically wouldn't mind but first he wanted to buy a house, then it was a career change, then our wedding. I had a long chat with him before the wedding explaining how important it was to me that we try for a baby this year (because he bloody said we should!). Dd is getting older and I don't want to wait any longer. He agreed but after the wedding changed his mind and said 'in the new year'. It's now the new year and he is avoiding me, coming to bed at a different time and our sex life has dwindled to almost nill. He initiated it this morning, lasted all of 15 seconds and then withdrew at the vital moment.
I feel cheated. If he had been honest and said no more DC four years ago I could have decided to live with it or left him. Before dd we had agreed on 2 children so none of this was a surprise to him. I think he's misled me and don't know what to say when we discuss this (fight) later. I want him to be honest with me but he keeps on saying we will try 'soon'
I feel used and irrationally humiliated about what happend this morning. AIBU to not have sex with him at all until he gives me an honest answer about ttc.

OP posts:

Report

SunshinenSparkles · 21/01/2017 19:38

Well no Introvertedbuthappy, you have been honest with him and valued his happiness enough to have the discussion. That's the point.

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 19:41

She has had a child with her dh.he's not reneged or left her childless.
The contention appears to be the number of children,e.g. 1 not 2

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 19:42

She has had a child with her dh.he's not reneged or left her childless.
The contention appears to be the number of children,e.g. 1 not 2

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 19:43

She has had a child with her dh.he's not reneged or left her childless.
The contention appears to be the number of children,e.g. 1 not 2

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 19:43

Eek no idea why 3

Introvertedbuthappy · 21/01/2017 19:44

Sunshine you could argue I wasn't - I have changed my mind, just as anyone is entitled to do, including OP's husband. Neither of our babies have slept and I don't want to go through it again, even with DH's caveats of him doing all night feeds, FF from start and him taking paternal leave. He is compromising because he loves us all, and there are lots of upshots to having two children (as well as one).

Marynary · 21/01/2017 19:52

She has had a child with her dh.he's reneged or left her childless.

If he agreed that they would have a child after marriage and he understood that she wouldn't marry him otherwise then he has reneged on that promise and has deceived her. I don't think the fact that OP already had a child before the marriage makes any difference.

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 20:00

Well,he's NOT reneged on agreement to have a baby.theyve got dd she's not childless.
It's of no relevance whether she was married or not when she had dd
She said she wanted a baby,they have 1.disputed is the 2nd baby

SunshinenSparkles · 21/01/2017 20:09

You were honest introvert...both in the start and when you started to feel differently. That's what I feel makes the difference. When you love someone and their happiness matters to you as much as your own, I'm pretty sure most of us would be honest and not pretend we wanted more kids just to get someone down the aisle.

I'm not suggesting for a second that someone end a marriage on this. It is entirely up to an individual to decide based on their own family and situation. I still don't think that makes it right though. IMO, it was wrong of him to promise more kids that he doesn't intend on having. If he changed his mind for whatever reason, he should have started that conversation with OP instead of more and more promises over 5 years. I hope that when she does sit him down for the convo that he does fess up and tell her honestly how he feels and why he hasn't told her.

I feel for you OP, limbo can't be a great place to be. I hope you guys work everything out

AyeAmarok · 21/01/2017 20:11

I'd LTB for how he's cruelly stringing you along. What a cowardly git.

Iggi999 · 21/01/2017 20:12

"Before dd we had agreed on 2 children". Doesn't say she wanted a baby, so he gave her a baby. Sounds like they were both on board back then.

FuzzyOwl · 21/01/2017 20:14

Yes Gimmee I imagine that is exactly how the conversation would go. I did prioritise the existing child in my post but if the OP is determined to have another child, it is an option for her. i don't really grasp how you cannot understand this.

RortyCrankle · 21/01/2017 20:21

YABU to suggest that you will insist on having a second child - not sure how you think that will work. Your DH has every right to change his own mind and once he has confirmed this, you have two choices - accept his decision or leave him and your marriage, which will obviously impact not only on your two lives but also on your first child. Are you prepared to do that?

Marynary · 21/01/2017 20:22

Well,he's NOT reneged on agreement to have a baby.theyve got dd she's not childless.

If a condition of getting married was to have a baby subsequent to that marriage then he certainly has reneged.

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 20:35

It's the fanciful glibness of,get a sperm donor. Surprised you didn't suggest adoption too

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 20:38

Yes,and human nature is we are fluid,complex and subject to change
As he's fully entitled to do so

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 20:40

Yes,and human nature is we are fluid,complex and subject to change
As he's fully entitled to do so

MarshaBrady · 21/01/2017 20:42

It's an awful position to be in, and it must be painful for you, but if he does not want another baby - and you should ask him to be clear - then you can't make him. Once you have your answer then it's a decision on whether to stay or go. Very difficult.

Clandestino · 21/01/2017 20:49

Sunshine, what if it wasn't as clear cut? What if he was just dragging his feet nd saying yes, sure darling to his spouse. who kept putting him under pressure just to have some peace? The OP has already described him as a procrastinator so his total agreement could have been just her wishful thinking but now he sees it got serious hence him trying to avoid the intimacy rather than get openly confrontational.
And yeah, I agree with those who are wondering about the ease with which some advise the OP to LOB and to hell with the existing child and her right to grow up in a family if the. moron refuses to spill. his little swimmers.

specialsubject · 21/01/2017 20:50

He should have had the balls to say he didn't want any more. Sadly the op now has to decide what is most important to her.

Meanwhile one partner does not want another child so real contraception is needed.

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 21:04

So mn wisdom advises
Leave him
Get up duff by sperm donor and ask him to leave

Ok and if all that comes to fruition ...potentially
Plan for new baby.
Tell dd about new baby coming.daddy going
New accommodation
New school
Adjust to new finances
Shared parenting
Divorce

SunshinenSparkles · 21/01/2017 21:12

That's what I mean though. He initially said he wanted 2 kids. They were both happy with that and then he seemed to be putting it off for various reasons before OP started to think he didn't want another DC but when she brings up the subject he reiterates that he does still want to have a 2nd.

So this continues and continues until now when OP is really starting to realise that he is probably lying to her every time he says he wants to try for a baby 'once he does this' or 'after the new year'. She is now wondering if he will ever think its the right time or if all along he has known that he has no intention of having another baby.

If after the first, he didn't want any more and had no intention of TTC at a later date then it was massively unfair to continue to tell her otherwise. She thought he wanted the same as she did, thats why she would bring it up. If he had been honest in the first place and they had still got married, she would have known his feelings and so wouldn't be bringing it up.

If you don't like people nagging at you then stop saying you'll do things you know you're not going to do lol

We had an issue with our TV areal and my OH kept insisting he would have a look when I had suggested I call a guy. In the end, I called a guy. When OH found out he said "I told you I was gonna look at it" to which I replied "would you rather I nag at you for a further 3 months? or just get someone to fix it?" He got my point lol

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Marynary · 21/01/2017 21:17

Yes,and human nature is we are fluid,complex and subject to change
As he's fully entitled to do so

Just because you are "entitled" to do something, it doesn't mean it is okay and your spouse should put up with it. For example, men or women are "entitled" to be unfaithful within a marriage but not many people would argue that it is a reasonable way to behave.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 21/01/2017 21:19

The OP agreed to buy a house with him, support him through a career change, and get married to him because he'd promised once they'd done that, they'd have a 2nd DC. Basically, she'd have left him several years ago without being both financially tied with a mortgage or legally tied with marriage.

Chances are, he knew he didn't want a 2nd DC early on, but also knew he was risking losing her by saying so, so didn't, kind of hoping that by stalling and stalling, it would get to the point when it was a bit late for her to leave...

If this is the case, the OP now knows she can't trust him. He'll be one of those people that whatever he says or promises, you can't bank on it until it's actually happening. How can you build a lifetime with someone you know you can't rely on?

People who'll tell you what you want to hear, but not mean it - are cowardly and bloody hard work.

7SunshineSeven7 · 21/01/2017 21:19

Maybe having the first child has put him off having another?

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