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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To insist on a second child

143 replies

Yellowpear · 21/01/2017 14:03

Dd is 6. I have wanted DC2 for four years now but DH has not been so keen. He says he hypothetically wouldn't mind but first he wanted to buy a house, then it was a career change, then our wedding. I had a long chat with him before the wedding explaining how important it was to me that we try for a baby this year (because he bloody said we should!). Dd is getting older and I don't want to wait any longer. He agreed but after the wedding changed his mind and said 'in the new year'. It's now the new year and he is avoiding me, coming to bed at a different time and our sex life has dwindled to almost nill. He initiated it this morning, lasted all of 15 seconds and then withdrew at the vital moment.
I feel cheated. If he had been honest and said no more DC four years ago I could have decided to live with it or left him. Before dd we had agreed on 2 children so none of this was a surprise to him. I think he's misled me and don't know what to say when we discuss this (fight) later. I want him to be honest with me but he keeps on saying we will try 'soon'
I feel used and irrationally humiliated about what happend this morning. AIBU to not have sex with him at all until he gives me an honest answer about ttc.

OP posts:
Nzou1050 · 21/01/2017 16:59

I realise the OP hasn't said she's going to leave if there isn't another DC but several PP have mentioned it as a valid option and I've seen it mentioned on mumsnet before.

I can understand someone leaving a marriage if there are other issues as well but if the only issue (not saying it is in this case don't really have enough info) in a marriage is one partner wants another child & the other doesn't I can't see how it would be fair on the existing DC to be separated from one parent or have their time with their parents divided for the sake of a hypothetical DC who may never exist.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/01/2017 17:04

Nice to know you should have to have sex with someone who has upset you or hurt your feelings or you are cross with because if you don't your childish

1DAD2KIDS · 21/01/2017 17:04

sorry the fact you ended with AIBU to refuse sex kind of implied at first read that you were withholding to encourage compliance. Because naturally you would a some you would have to ask if you AIBU to withhold sex because just didn't feel like it? So I may have got wrong end of the stick. You are never unreasonable to withhold sex if you don't desire it. But it should not be used as a weapon or tool of control. Apologies if I got wrong end of the stick.

MommaGee · 21/01/2017 17:04

I think of was the suggestion he's been stringing her on for several years about it, carrot constantly snatched away and foxed up a year or whatever down thline. Which suggests deeper issues at work

bluebeck · 21/01/2017 17:05

Sadly this is one of those issues where no compromise is possible. One of you has to give in.

Only you can decide whether your desire to have more children is more important to you than DH. It does sound like he has manipulated you Sad

MommaGee · 21/01/2017 17:06

I guess the aibu to refuse sex is more of a "or should I just lie back and plan the shopping list whilst seething in anger"

ifcatscouldtalk · 21/01/2017 17:06

Sorry this is a crap situation as there is no compromise. Me and my husband agreed on 2 children, then I completely changed my mind. I spent a few years going round in circles but ultimately I didn't want to do it again. Thankfully for us we moved on and enjoy life as it is. It's sounds like you would be very disappointed indeed to not have a second child. You both need to talk lots and at your daughter's age it is reasonable to want to know if it is a yes or no. It may not be that he is stringing you along. Is he worried about money? Why does he not want another child? What is bothering him? You both need to communicate and be completely honest. I hope it works out.

1DAD2KIDS · 21/01/2017 17:07

sorry sent last one before proof read. Try again.

Sorry the fact you ended with AIBU to refuse sex kind of implied at first read that you were withholding to encourage compliance. Because naturally you would assume you wouldn't have to ask if AIBU to withhold sex because just didn't feel like it? Its your right. So I may have got wrong end of the stick. You are never unreasonable to withhold sex if you don't desire it. But it should not be used as a weapon or tool of control. Apologies if I got wrong end of the stick.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 21/01/2017 17:09

The real question is whether you are willing to walk away if he says no more and pull your daughters current situation about to find someone else to give you the second child you are desperate for?

Elledouble · 21/01/2017 17:10

I've told my partner that a second child is a deal breaker for me (I want one - he's not so keen). You need to be open with each other so you know if you have to cut your losses or not. He doesn't sound very nice going about it in a sneaky way by constantly putting you off.

Famalam13 · 21/01/2017 17:10

His behaviour has not been honest and only you can decide if that is a deal breaker.

However I agree with a PP that if the issue is him not wanting another child then it would be unfair to destroy your current DC's life for an unconceived child.

I realise there are probably larger issues around the deceit however and I am sorry you have been put in this situation.

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 17:14

Choices
1.remain together,1DD no further children.
2.split up,hope you get in relationship with man who'll have a baby and dd stepchild
3.split up,with current dh.no further dc

Topseyt · 21/01/2017 17:28

It is unfair that he has lead you on. He needs to be told this and you need definite answers from him. He did, after all, originally agree to two children. He now keeps procrastinating on it.

It isn't something he should keep chopping and changing on willy nilly as he seems to be doing. He needs to understand that this is damaging to your relationship, although only you can decide whether or not it is a total deal breaker. There would be significant consequences for your DD too if you were to break up, as others have also said.

Have you spelled out to him the effects that his action/inaction is having and the resentment that is building up as a result?

Beebeeeight · 21/01/2017 17:33

I think you just need to wipe the slate clean and start again with someone new.

How old are you?

Is fertility an issue?

Surreyblah · 21/01/2017 17:34

You obviously can't "insist" on DC2. In situations like this the wishes of the person who doesn't want DC should prevail, and the person who does want DC has the option to leave.

It was very wrong of him to be deceitful about not wanting DC2.

you say he's done that kind of thing before, and you've put up with it many times, and similarly haven't left him over this, when it was obvious that he was fobbing you off, so you bear the responsibility for your decisions. You still have the choice to leave.

Wolpertinger · 21/01/2017 17:35

If this reflects what he's been like the rest of your relationship, then you need to have a long think about what he's like as a partner and if he is worth staying with.

Honestly - who does all the parenting now? Does he do his fair share? Does he give you emotional support or is it all one direction? Who sorts finances? Who plans holidays? Does he do any housework or do you organize it?

It sounds rather like at each stage he does just enough to get you off his back. If this is the case, I don't see how you can stay with him.

Surreyblah · 21/01/2017 17:35

People can't be held to what they say pre DC.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 21/01/2017 17:39

I wouldn't say end a marriage because he has changed his mind about wanting a second child after having the first (because frankly, noone knows what being a parent is like until they've done it, he might have thought it would be less work so happy to say he'd want 2 or more until the realised the reality). Before having DC1, I wanted 3DCs, when pregnant with DC2, DH and I were both agreed this wasn't the last baby. After having DC2 however, we've both decided we don't want DC3.

But the lying about it for years, keeping you hanging on knowing you want another child, dangling it until XYorZ was achieved, then changing the goal posts again once that's managed would be a deal breaker for me.

You will never be able to trust him when he says he'll do X or Y in the future, you will never know if he's just saying what you want to hear to shut you up now, or if he means it. You can't trust he'll do what he says he will.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 21/01/2017 17:41

I do wonder how this would have gone if it had been the other way round

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 17:43

You can't insist on an unwanted baby.he can change his mind,irrespective of promise
People change their mind,it happens.now you both need to see how you live with the change
Can't honestly see why you'd want to have a baby with dh who didn't want a baby

Marynary · 21/01/2017 17:44

It is a difficult situation. If he normally takes ages to make a decision and you are quite young then you may want to wait a bit and see if he changes his mind. I wouldn't blame you at all for leaving though and unless you don't tell him why you are just leaving, he will inevitably feel pressurised. That's hardly your fault though so I don't really get the rationale or logic of those who say that you shouldn't pressurise/insist/force him to have another child!

Marynary · 21/01/2017 17:47

You can't insist on an unwanted baby.

What do you mean by that though? Are you saying that OP can't let him know she will leave if they don't have another child even if that is the case??

tooclosetocall · 21/01/2017 17:47

Seems like he's lead you on and he will continue to do so if you let him.

You could have a serious talk and mention you're not happy and would like him to leave. You'd have to know that you want this and be prepared to follow through with it though if he calls your bluff ( you'll know you will only get one opportunity to convince him to believe you).

As Gimmee spells out for you above, you do have some options to consider.

Iggi999 · 21/01/2017 17:48

Tomorrowwillbeachicken - nice try, but people would have told the woman in that case to stop jerking him around and tell him she didn't want another.

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 17:48

In that case marynary can a man legitimately pressurise/insist/force wife to have anther baby?
Reasonable,well adjusted people don't pressurise/insist/force to have babies.they don't
An unwanted or resented baby will impact upon them all.three of them.op,dh,dp