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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want biological dad involved

173 replies

BlueParrott · 20/01/2017 16:16

My son is 18 mnths old. Split with his dad before he was born and the only contact weve had since is when he visited us when he was a newborn to question his paternity and tell me no one would ever want me with a mixed race child!
Anyway now ive moved with my son an hour and a half away with my fiance. My fiance and i are marrying July 2018 and he plans to adopt my son. However ive heard from a good friend my ex is sniffing around and isnt happy i moved without telling him. Hes the type to cause trouble aibu to not want him involved in our lives?

OP posts:

DeathStare · 24/01/2017 20:45

It was after we registered him my ex became abusive
I thought you hadn't seen him since registering the birth?

the rest of my fiances family are supportive and we wouldnt rush an adoption
You're not going to get an adoption. Hardly anyone gets a step-parent adoption granted any more without extreme circumstances. And even then you could not get one without the biological father's consent and him having received legal advice. Please put the idea of adoption out of your head. It really isn't going to happen.

Original poster

BlueParrott · 24/01/2017 21:22

We registered him then went back to my house to talk things through thats when he said vile things to me

OP posts:

Feckitall · 24/01/2017 21:33

As others have said like it or not he is your child's father..quite frankly you saw something in him once and for long enough to decide that he was good enough to father your child...the best you can hope for is him to lose interest..
Unfortunately for both of you, you are now linked for life...that's what having a child does.. so it's damage limitation ..he may well be an utterly arse but he does have rights and your child has a right to know him.

Original poster

BlueParrott · 24/01/2017 21:36

I know feck he'll get bored. Im glad i met him though because without him i wouldnt have my son. I could just do without the aggravation

OP posts:

toomuchprosecco · 24/01/2017 21:46

My DS is now 21. He has not seen his biological father since just before his 2nd birthday. I met my new partner when ds was 5 ands since then he has been his dad, dp has been to every football match he has played, took him to buy his first car everything a dad does. DP's family treat ds and dd we have together exactly the same, even down to the family wills . Luckily I have not heard from his biological father for 19 years.

VikingVolva · 24/01/2017 21:52

Op keeps saying 'my' DS when she would be more accurate in saying 'our' DS.

He has PR, might forge a good relationship in future (especially once he knows where his child is living), and can block adoption and complicate granting PR to a third person.

Like it or not (and we do get it that you don't like it) he is legal and biological father and is showing faint glimmers of wanting to be involved with his son. I think it is very likely that if this ended up in court, they would order you to stop impeding this (eg by moving without telling other person with PR).

DeathStare · 25/01/2017 05:37

We registered him then went back to my house to talk things through thats when he said vile things to me

Throughout this thread you've referrred to him as abusive - which to most people refers ongoing abuse; the type that occurs over a prolonged period often to control someone or reduce their self-esteem. It now sounds like you are referring to one argument where he said some horrible things he shouldn't have said. As horrible as that is, it's not the same as ongoing abuse.

I could just do without the aggravation

And I suspect your son's father could do without the aggravation of you taking his son away - the son he has equal rights to as you - to some unknown address and not letting him know where that is.

I'm going to blunt.... how would you like it if your son's father picked him up from nursery/childminder's without your knowledge (if he turns up and asks for him then legally they have to hand him over - you'd no doubt get him back through the Courts but not necessarily immediately ) took him to some unknown address and started talking about his new girlfriend adopting him and how aggravating you were being trying to get to see him? You wouldn't like it, no? Well neither does he by the sounds of it. You cannot just try to rewrite your lives to pretend your son's father doesn't exist. If he pushes for contact then the way you are handling this is going to blow up in your face.

RebootYourEngine · 25/01/2017 06:08

Does he even have a way to get in touch with you to arrange contact to see his son?

Original poster

BlueParrott · 25/01/2017 07:39

He has my number it hasnt changed. Death i know in the eyes of the law he has equal rights but im the one whose been there for my son not him. He doesnt even care because if he did he would have made the effort 18 months ago

OP posts:

Sirzy · 25/01/2017 07:44

It does seem you are perhaps confusing what is best for you and what is best for your ds.

Your ds is still only little and there is plenty of time for him to develop a good relationship with his father and you should be encouraging that not blocking him.

GatoradeMeBitch · 25/01/2017 12:31

How is the OP blocking her ex? He hasn't contacted her, or even tried to. All the OP has heard is gossip. Many, many absent fathers love to do the "I don't get to see my kid" bit in public. It means instant sympathy from the types who believe everything they're told. But they don't actually try to see their kid, because that would be a hassle and there's much less sympathy attached...

candycoatedwaterdrops · 25/01/2017 12:34

I was going to say what Sirzy did. You have blurred the lines between what's best for you and what is right for your son. YABU to your child.

ManonLescaut · 25/01/2017 12:45

While your ex does have rights as a bio dad, realistically if you give him the choice between child support and adoption he may well choose the latter.

It sounds to me like this is more about pique at you moving on than any great desire to be in his child's life. I doubt he will maintain his current level of interest, which, let's be honest is fairly shit anyway.

ManonLescaut · 25/01/2017 12:48

Many, many absent fathers love to do the "I don't get to see my kid" bit in public. It means instant sympathy from the types who believe everything they're told. But they don't actually try to see their kid, because that would be a hassle and there's much less sympathy attached...

Yep.

Original poster

BlueParrott · 26/01/2017 22:23

Manon he's just malicious really. Candy I don't believe I'm being unreasonable after mouthing off last week to my mate he still hasn't been in touch! And yes I'm happy he's not in touch

OP posts:

candycoatedwaterdrops · 26/01/2017 22:32

You're missing the point. It's not about you. It's about your child. Don't you want to be able to tell your son that you did everything to facilitate a relationship with his father? If he's a deadbeat, your son will work it out very quickly. If it were me, I'd want to be able to look my child in the eye and tell them that I tried, even if his dad didn't. You don't seem to want to try. That's sad for your child.

PenguinsandPebbles · 26/01/2017 22:34

OP, dont bother with adoption it will only be refused by your ex, so what is the point?

At the moment he is leaving you and your son alone, your making a life with your new partner.

You can be honest with your son that he has a biological father and that he has a dad the man who is in his life on a daily basis.

After a few years of being married and your partner being a constant in the child's life he can then apply for PR.

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/apply-for-parental-responsibility

I think someone else posted this a fair few pages ago but it is what I will be doing shortly for my children (who have a "mother" who hasn't seen them for many years) who would never in a million years agree to adoption and use it as shitty stick to beat DP with.

PenguinsandPebbles · 26/01/2017 22:34

The deadbeat father if he wanted contact could get of his arse and ask.

Original poster

BlueParrott · 26/01/2017 22:37

Candy he hasn't contacted me. I tried to facilitate contact but he never used to turn up. I told him he could come round and spend time with ds but he couldn't be arsed, he's flaky and lazy

OP posts:

candycoatedwaterdrops · 26/01/2017 22:42

I understand that he's being a deadbeat, I'm certainly not suggesting otherwise. I do think it would be unfair to have another man adopt him though, that's the part that I disagree with but only for your son's sake.

ManonLescaut · 28/01/2017 18:06

I think it's nice for a child with shit dad, to feel there was another dad that wanted him enough to adopt him.

Several of my friends say that their stepdad is their 'real' dad as he brought them up.

I wouldn't push for adoption for the moment. At a later point once the ex is in a new relationship and forgotten all about OP and his son, he may not have any objection.

Original poster

BlueParrott · 28/01/2017 19:07

Thanks manon we are considering adoption for the future not immediately

OP posts:

MammyNeedsASpaDay · 28/01/2017 19:25

A family member of mine went through this.

Because she hadn't facilitated contact the one time he had said he wanted to see their child she was seen to be stopping him and she had to go through the court proceedings for months. He only started because she was all over Facebook about how her boyfriend was really the child's dad as her bio father was absent.

It got back to him and annoyed him, he started court proceedings as it was still free then (I don't believe it still is).

The bio father had been violent to my family member and had a serious criminal history. This didn't seem to matter. He turned up to 2/10 supervised sessions and one he was 30 minutes late.

In the end it did get ruled he was to have no contact as he was accused of some sort of child abuse.

Sorry you don't want to hear this, but it's a long hard process. And my family member did the same, oh I want his name on the birth cert.....he dropped the pair of them that afternoon.

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