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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want biological dad involved

173 replies

BlueParrott · 20/01/2017 16:16

My son is 18 mnths old. Split with his dad before he was born and the only contact weve had since is when he visited us when he was a newborn to question his paternity and tell me no one would ever want me with a mixed race child!
Anyway now ive moved with my son an hour and a half away with my fiance. My fiance and i are marrying July 2018 and he plans to adopt my son. However ive heard from a good friend my ex is sniffing around and isnt happy i moved without telling him. Hes the type to cause trouble aibu to not want him involved in our lives?

OP posts:

Andrewofgg · 20/01/2017 17:56

The sooner you get the adoption ball rolling the better. He may delay things for a time but your chances of success are excellent - after that you can write him off. Except that when DS is older he may want to know more about his bio father.

Original poster

BlueParrott · 20/01/2017 18:03

He knows we're getting married yes. He told my friend he can't believe I've moved with his son and he's got a good mind to phone me and have it out with me. I'm not contacting him and if he contacts me I'm ignoring it he's not worth the hassle

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Original poster

BlueParrott · 20/01/2017 18:46

Andrew I think well look at adoption again after the wedding but I agree our chances should be good

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TheFallenMadonna · 20/01/2017 18:56

My biological father is absolutely not my dad. My dad is my mum's ex husband, who adopted me after they married, and has been my dad ever since. I genuinely have no feelings towards my biological father, apart from being thankful that his absence enabled me to have an uncomplicated father-child relationship. If, however, my parents' divorce had led to any suggestion of a diminution of the relationship between me and my dad, I suspect that would have devastated me. So your fiance needs to be absolutely sure that he wants a relationship with your child that is independent of his relationship with you.

SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 20/01/2017 19:06

Your fiancée won't be able to adopt your son if his biological father wants contact and won't consent.

I've been through the process very recently and despite my ex having had no interest/paid no maintenance and ignored me trying to make contact it still required his engagement with the adoption and a lot of assessment. It's even more complex if your sons racial background doesn't match your new relationship. You have to prove a commitment to teaching him about his genetic roots.
Social services may also want to make contact with your exes family.

Also, if you have been deemed to be obstructive to contact at any time then your chances will be slim. Being worried about him letting your son down isn't enough, you have to give him the chance to prove himself.

Good luck, it's hard.

SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 20/01/2017 19:07

Please ignore people saying your chances are excellent. You have to engage with your ex on this.

Ellisandra · 20/01/2017 19:11

I would not poke the beast.
Your fiancé does not need to adopt your son.
So leave well alone.

Original poster

BlueParrott · 20/01/2017 19:12

Sandra I know he'll let my son down though and I don't want him to be dragged into his dad's games. I think I'm within my rights to push back if he wants contact.

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Ellisandra · 20/01/2017 19:12

Do you want your son's father to start pushing for access to stop any chance of adoption? I can see that happening.
Just don't do it.
Move, get married, bring your son up with his stepfather.

Ellisandra · 20/01/2017 19:15

Have you actually spoken to a solicitor? It's not about your rights, it's about your son's rights.

A court could easily decide he has a right to a relationship with his father.

Father goes to court and says "hands up, I was shit. His mum and I don't get on, I honestly didn't believe he was mine, I was immature, I've grown up now".

OK, judge won't give him EOW overnight and a midweek just like that. But once a week supervised with a view to increasing? Could easily happen,

Why do you think you could refuse it?

Original poster

BlueParrott · 20/01/2017 19:15

Ellis he's just malicious. He's not happy I've moved without telling him. He knows I'm engaged but no idea about adoption plans as I haven't even discussed that with close family.

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DragonMamma · 20/01/2017 19:16

Yanbu to not want him involved but it's not a case of just getting your DH to adopt your DS.

I was in the same boat and ended up waiting until DD was 6 before starting the adoption and then it took over a year to get it sorted - my ex had to agree and be visited by a local social worker etc.

We left it so long (dd was 1 when we met) because the courts won't often dispense with their agreement very easily and the SW advised that the longer it was without contact, the more likely it would be to be granted, if he objected.

He didn't in the end but it was touch and go.

SS also advised that going down the adoption route may open the lines of communication and bio dad's who didn't want contact previously, start requesting it and more often than not, are granted it. So beware poking a sleeping bear.

Original poster

BlueParrott · 20/01/2017 19:16

I haven't spoke to a solicitor I know it's about my sons rights not mine.

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Ellisandra · 20/01/2017 19:16

Yes, he's malicious. So why antagonise him for an adoption that isn't even necessary?

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 20/01/2017 19:17

I have knowledge of this area due to job I do. If he is on the birth certificate he has equal parental rights. It doesn't matter if he doesn't have contact. If we were placing a child in care and the father was on birth certificate we would have to seek him even if there had been no contact for years. His father would have to consent to any adoption.

SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 20/01/2017 19:18

I can't force you to take my advice but I can guarantee you that social services will throw out your application if you've been obstructive.

The only exceptions I can imagine would be documented abuse or violence (rather than just accusations).

People deserve second chances, and if he's as unreliable as you imagine it will be evidence of his unsuitability to be a parent. Your feelings aren't evidence of his parenting and will be rightly dismissed.

ollieplimsoles · 20/01/2017 19:22

See, I feel very strongly about this- having been let down and harmed by my bio dad again and a- fucking- gain.

Your first mistake was putting him in the birth certificate, I wouldn't have done that.
Buy now its done, I would seek some legal advice, just see what he is and isn't legally able to do. If he has been verbally abusive to you, thats grounds to not let him have any access to your son.

He cant choose to have nothing to do with a child for nearly two years, then get pissy because he's loosing the control over you and start demanding access simply because he donated some sperm.

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 20/01/2017 19:24

I would not poke the beast.Your fiancé does not need to adopt your son. So leave well alone.
These are my thoughts exactly.

Welshmaenad · 20/01/2017 19:24

So he went with you to register the baby's birth (or signed a statutory declaration of parentage for you to include him on the birth certificate without his presence) despite doubting paternity? Why'd he do that then?

SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 20/01/2017 19:27

Being on the birth certificate is irrelevant. If he's the biological father he can insist on a DNA test to enforce his rights.

And, rightly or wrongly, he CAN piss about for two years and then change his mind/grow up and pursue a relationship with his son.

Original poster

BlueParrott · 20/01/2017 19:38

Welsh we went to register the birth as he was being nice and reasonable the minute his name was on the birth certificate he turned on me. I thought if I didn't put the name on it went down as father unknown and I didn't want that

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KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 20/01/2017 19:40

Aren't you the poster whose sister in law hates them?

Marriage doesn't mean shit in regards too adopting your son.

He's on the birth certificate. You know where he lives roughly.

Adoption process wouldn't go ahead without your exs permission, and if you try to lie saying you don't know where he is and haven't had contact in years so it gets signed off that won't go down well.

Original poster

BlueParrott · 20/01/2017 19:41

I'm not going to lie panda

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueParrott · 20/01/2017 19:52

And yes panda my sil to be is not too keen on me

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Ilovecaindingle · 20/01/2017 19:57

Just because you've decided your new man is going to adopt your child doesn't mean his bio dad has to agree!!
If he takes you to court a judge will likely give him some contact regardless of how long he has been absent - he needs to prove himself of course. Unless you can prove neglect or abuse which you can't if he hasn't been seeing him.

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