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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want biological dad involved

173 replies

BlueParrott · 20/01/2017 16:16

My son is 18 mnths old. Split with his dad before he was born and the only contact weve had since is when he visited us when he was a newborn to question his paternity and tell me no one would ever want me with a mixed race child!
Anyway now ive moved with my son an hour and a half away with my fiance. My fiance and i are marrying July 2018 and he plans to adopt my son. However ive heard from a good friend my ex is sniffing around and isnt happy i moved without telling him. Hes the type to cause trouble aibu to not want him involved in our lives?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 21/01/2017 21:03

Nigerian?
Are you the same poster who found out her Nigerian ex wasn't legally in the country? (or not legally working, anyway)

Original poster
BlueParrott · 21/01/2017 21:07

No thats not me

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 21/01/2017 21:10

Look, OP - you've already moved away without telling him.
The longer you leave it, the harder it will be for him to get access. Though don't think it's impossible.
He hasn't even hassled you - you just have it second hand from a friend that he's been mouthing off.
Totally ignore it and don't start steps re adoption.

You say you don't want to until after the wedding in 2018 - I don't think you should then - but that's by the by.

Tell your friend you don't want to hear any more about him.

FWIW I do think that a man who hasn't paid CM or bothered to see his son in 18 months doesn't have a place in his life. But let that happen naturally.

Ellisandra · 21/01/2017 21:14

Look, OP - you've already moved away without telling him.
The longer you leave it, the harder it will be for him to get access. Though don't think it's impossible.
He hasn't even hassled you - you just have it second hand from a friend that he's been mouthing off.
Totally ignore it and don't start steps re adoption.

You say you don't want to until after the wedding in 2018 - I don't think you should then - but that's by the by.

Tell your friend you don't want to hear any more about him.

FWIW I do think that a man who hasn't paid CM or bothered to see his son in 18 months doesn't have a place in his life. But let that happen naturally.

Original poster
BlueParrott · 21/01/2017 21:18

Thanks Ellis x

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 21/01/2017 21:36

*Today 20:19 BlueParrott

Moonlight hes unemployed, lazy and feckless why would i expose my son to that? My fiance is lovely and works really hard. Just because my ex got me pregnant it doesnt mean he has any connection especially to the son hes seen once in his life**

Sorry op you're in for a shock that's not a good enough reason and will not hold up in court.

humbugcentral · 21/01/2017 21:48

Blue parrot I'm half Nigerian. How ironic. My mother has lots of Nigerian friends, is quite informed on Nigerian culture but nothing replaces knowing my heritage through my father and his family. I'd feel awful if i didn't know my dad and even worse if his details weren't on my birth certificate and I had no contact from birth. I think it's abhorrent that you regret his fathers details added to the certificate.

He has questioned paternity. Quite rightly you are upset and angry, but you KNOW that he's your sons father. Your son has that right too

SingingSilver · 21/01/2017 22:04

Your son has that right too

What we have here is a man who arrived at his new son's bedside specifically to tell his DM that he probably wasn't the father and that no-one would ever want her, and he disapproves of her moving on even though he has had no involvement in his child's life, i.e. It's the lack of control over his ex he is angry about.

So, what 'rights' do you want for her son? Where do you see great father material in this person? Where has he been for the last year and a half?

I feel sorry for kids these days who have to entertain the 'rights' of both parents, and sometimes even step parents and grandparents depending on who sues who. The one good thing my biological father ever did for me was to step out of my life before I was old enough to know who he was. He put my rights before his.

humbugcentral · 21/01/2017 22:25

Singing as I said previously, in my opinion every child deserves the right to know its parents where risk isn't involved. If this father went to court for contact, from experience and echoing other posters, contact would be granted even with knowledge of the back story, albeit limited contact.The courts act in the interest of the child and take into consideration the RIGHTS of the child. Obviously this would only be confirmed if this were to be taken to court so can't give a guaranteed outcome. Again it's my opinion.

Making a decision for an 18 month old baby as to whether he should be adopted by another man is in my opinion not taking into account the needs of the child, and I'm not just talking about its current needs of a loving stable family as it will always need, but what he needs as a young man making his way in the world. He needs to know who he is and where he comes from. If part of his natural parentage is completely blanked out from his upbringing how could he possibly have the answers to these questions, particularly as he is of mixed heritage.

I'm sorry but this isn't as clear cut as father hasn't been around so let DP adopt him at 18 months Hmm

I personally would be making contact with him whether directly or via the courts asking if he would like to start contact in the interest of the child. If the father didn't want to then OP is justified in her actions to an extent.

You are happy that your father went NC. A completely justifiable feeling. I on the other hand am happy that my father remained in my life, especially given my heritage. I think this is justified also.

Original poster
BlueParrott · 21/01/2017 23:21

Thanks Silver im trying to protect my sons right. Weve spoken about adoption its not a dead cert at the moment but maybe in the future

OP posts:
Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 22/01/2017 08:24

It's not about saying ' I wish I never put his name on birth certificate' The law changed due to these situations. He is his father and even if you didn't put his name on the birth certificate he could apply to have it put on there. As a previous poster stated, it takes two humans to make a human and that should be reflected? It is his heritage. Why are you so keen to have your partner adopt him at this early stage? If your partner is everything you say he is then he will be happy to support your son in having positive contact with his father. You cannot rewrite history.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 22/01/2017 08:26

There are always two side to every story and I'm sure your ex partner has his.

pennyscrayons · 22/01/2017 09:05

Really feel for you OP and you've had quite a lot of negativity on here. As I said before he sounds the type that will not be able to deliver anything for your son.
Give him contact, you will have to supervise him as he is a stranger, discuss maintenance, I can imagine it will all be too much for him and he will disappear. Your son is still young enough for this to not to have such an impact.
Regardless of whether you wanted him around for your son, it is hurtful when someone rejects your child. And you are doing your best to protect him. People are being very harsh to you. Flowers

Original poster
BlueParrott · 22/01/2017 09:11

Things im not really keen on adoption right now due to my sons age but in the future its what we would both like. If my son's dad was white would people be pushing the heritage so much? I doubt it.

OP posts:
Pooka · 22/01/2017 09:31

I think that's a bit of a low blow and that when people are talking about heritage, it's more about knowing where you come from in terms of biology - which can be helpful in a practical as well as an emotional way (I.e. Family medical history). I have a friend who is adopted. She's happy and securely loved by adoptive parents. But even in her 50s she feels it would have been helpful to know about her parentage (complex medical issues) as well as the background to her being adopted).

I know that you can supply this information to your son, in a limited way. But I get the impression that you really want to re-write his history in your remorse about the birth certificate/PR and keenness to have him adopted by your current partner. I'm not sure that's the best approach for your son's sake.

SuburbanRhonda · 22/01/2017 09:47

OP, how "good" is your good friend that she feels the need to pass on information that is only making you upset and angry?

If it were me, I'd be telling her I didn't want to hear any more of her gossip and you'd prefer to hear directly from your ex. Sounds like she's enjoying being part of the drama.

Original poster
BlueParrott · 22/01/2017 10:09

Rhonda I think she was warning me he may be in touch as he's mouthing off. Pooka my ex is such an idiot he probably wouldn't know or bother to find out his family history, everything is about him

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 22/01/2017 10:35

In that case, I would politely ask her to stop speculating about what she thinks "might" happen because she knows it upsets and angers you.

If she carries on doing it, knowing how it makes you feel, she is a crap friend, not a good one.

humbugcentral · 22/01/2017 10:41

"If my son's dad was white would people be pushing the heritage so much? I doubt it."

Really! I'm mean really! You don't think the fact that your child is half black has any bearing on the decision around his upbringing?

I can't be bothered to comment any more but yes YABU to not want the biological dad involved.

Good luck OP, whatever decision you make.

pennyscrayons · 22/01/2017 11:14

Don't understand why there is any difference because the child is mixed race.
A rubbish, feckless father is more damaging to a child than having one loving parent.

Isetan · 23/01/2017 08:11

The bottom line is, he's your son's biological father and has PR, which means in the eyes of the law he has rights and your misgivings don't trump those. Your not the only to have a feckless father for their child and a court won't prioritise your new shiny relationship over the biological relationship between your son and his biological father.

Right now you can chose to ignore the talk but if your Ex does decide to follow up his talk with action, a court will take a dim view of you being obstructive. By all means request supervised contact but you can't unilaterally block contact without there being some serious repercussions for you.

Your current relationship sounds rushed and dare I say, a hasty attempt to rewrite your son's history. If there is a possibility for your son to have a healthy relationship with his biological father a court will prioritise it and no, a court won't be relying on your definition of a healthy role model.

Isetan · 23/01/2017 08:45

My Ex went to prison for assaulting me (in front of our DD) and she underwent trauma counselling because she witnessed the assault. DD's father was all talk about contact and DD wanted the opportunity to have contact with her father, as DD's p advocate, I saw it as my responsibility to try and facilitate contact.

During my successful sole residency petition, the judge basically told my Ex that his talk of wanting contact was not undermined by my documented actions of trying to facilitate contact. Therefore he saw no reason to issue a contact order, especially given by my continued efforts to secure contact (I requested that a contact centre be used to facilitate contact).

I believe the courts rewarded my considerable constructive efforts and allowed me the opportunity to try and set up a contact agreement that would have benefit DD. Ex has since formally terminated contact (via lawyer's letter not renouncement of PR) but there's enough documentation out about my efforts, which would make it difficult for Ex to show up in the future demanding his rights without demonstrating his responsibilities.

In short, unless you can demonstrate that your son would be in physical and or emotional danger from his father, (which would be difficult as there has been no contact since his birth) a court would support his father's application for contact.

Princessmollygolly · 23/01/2017 16:23

How come the dad is on the BC if he was so anti the birth of your son/questioned paternity? If you're not married then he would have had to go with you to be put on BC. I know it's a bit late but wasn't the greatest idea to let him be on there in the circs!

Strongmummy · 23/01/2017 18:03

OP I have read your previous posts about your SIL. I think you are very much jumping the gun. As others have said I think you need to leave it a few years (at least until after the wedding) before even considering adoption. Your SIL is not supportive of your relationship and also seems to think you are rushing into things if I remember rightly? Not having the support of your partners' family for any adoption really won't go down well with the court. Not being together for long will also not go in your favour. Hopefully after you've proved how strong your relationship is by being married for a number of years your SIL will be more supportive and you can demonstrate to the court the stability of your relationship. In that time the child's birth father may also see sense or might continue to be an arse. Either way at least you'll have more information on which to make a decision. There really is no reason to rush this at all.

Original poster
BlueParrott · 24/01/2017 20:38

Molly he knows hes the dad hes just spiteful. I didnt think the name on the BC would matter that much. It was after we registered him my ex became abusive. Strongmummy the rest of my fiances family are supportive and we wouldnt rush an adoption x

OP posts:
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