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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want biological dad involved

173 replies

BlueParrott · 20/01/2017 16:16

My son is 18 mnths old. Split with his dad before he was born and the only contact weve had since is when he visited us when he was a newborn to question his paternity and tell me no one would ever want me with a mixed race child!
Anyway now ive moved with my son an hour and a half away with my fiance. My fiance and i are marrying July 2018 and he plans to adopt my son. However ive heard from a good friend my ex is sniffing around and isnt happy i moved without telling him. Hes the type to cause trouble aibu to not want him involved in our lives?

OP posts:
Niskayuna · 21/01/2017 17:13

"He is on the birth certificate but hes questioned paternity from day one"

(it's not a nice answer, but why not... encourage the lie? >:) Tell him yeah, he's right, maybe...)

You'd both be better off without a man like that in your life. He is not a good role model for your child.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 21/01/2017 17:17

I dont think neon is spiteful
I think op doesnt want to hear anything that doesnt suit her agenda
Sorry but you come across as a petulant child using your child as a point scoring plaything

Milkmachine15 · 21/01/2017 17:19

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
BlueParrott · 21/01/2017 17:29

Milk im not a silly girl. We went to register birth when he was 3 weeks old and after then i never saw him again. He has my number but has never contacted me. My ex bumped into a friend and started mouthing off to her.
My ex is vile and would do anything to upset my life.

OP posts:
Milkmachine15 · 21/01/2017 17:39

Then how's he manage to be vile to you? And surely if he all he wanted was to cause you issues he'd have done so in the past 18m? If you go through court it'll cost an arm and a leg and he WILL get access, why not give him a chance and if he fucks up that badly THEN you have a reason to stop contact but until then you really don't.

MumtoBelle · 21/01/2017 17:39

milk your post is really uncalled for.

MumtoBelle · 21/01/2017 17:41

Wait until he "fucks up badly"- you mean wait until OP's ex kills her son?. Not worth it.

OP if he's violent, then chances are he'll be violent towards your son.

Milkmachine15 · 21/01/2017 17:43

I actually said IF he fucks up and nowhere has OP said he was violent?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 21/01/2017 18:07

What a hyperbolic post

MiscellaneousAssortment · 21/01/2017 18:13

Where has the idea that the ex was ever violent come from?

Ive not seen any mention of that in this or other threads? Only the idea of perhaps emotional abuse which took place at some point between the birth of the child and now, which has been mentioned in passing once earlier in this thread.

I think that milk has gone overboard in her post, but I do have some sympathy, as it is awful having to go through the courts trying to prove that the abuse you've suffered is bad enough to reflect on the abusive partners parenting.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 21/01/2017 18:16

And yes, the law is clear that in normal circumstances a parent must be given the chance to succeed and action taken only when and if he / she fails. It's the whole innocent until proven guilty thing, which is central to our legal system. Family courts may have a different level of proof but the premise is the same.

MrTCakes · 21/01/2017 18:29

One year into a relationship is far too soon to even be thinking of adoption. I know that you are getting married next year but you don't know if this relationship is going to work out, and it is wrong for him to call your fiance Daddy.

I think you should allow his real Dad to have contact if he wants it. Do it through the courts though, and if he does mess you about and not comply with the order then you can take him back to court with evidence. If however, he sticks to the arrangement and pays cms then win win for your son.
If you have no reason to believe that he would ever hurt or neglect your son in his care, then you would be unreasonable to prevent the contact on the grounds of him potentially 'messing you about'. The family court would tell you the same.

It is hard and I have been in a similar situation myself, but, ultimately, you have to put your son's needs first. They should take priority over animosty between you and your ex. Would you tell your son he was adopted? Surely then one day he would want to find his biological Dad and ask questions? You could be on the receiving end of some very difficult questions from your son one day.

Underthemoonlight · 21/01/2017 18:42

I don't neon has been harsh but truthful op hasn't given any reasons as to why access should be prohibited. I also agree with milk it seems the op is keen to write out the ex especially pushing for adoption in a year old relationship is utter madness.

neonrainbow · 21/01/2017 19:30

Where the bloody hell has the suggestion that the ex could kill his son come from!? Talk about hysteria!

Original poster
BlueParrott · 21/01/2017 19:40

He was emotionally abusive and manipulative. Of course ill be happy to answer my sons questions as hes older. Milk ive already explained what he was like to me

OP posts:
MrTCakes · 21/01/2017 19:46

Unfortunately OP that wouldn't be taken into consideration by the court if he does seek contact. I know how frustrating it is.

Underthemoonlight · 21/01/2017 19:48

That's what he was like with you, my ex was the same with me but he still has access with his son just because he's a bad partner doesn't mean he will automatically be a parent in the eyes of the court. You if he wants access need to put your own personal issues aside..

Original poster
BlueParrott · 21/01/2017 20:09

Hes not a good role model for my son

OP posts:
londonrach · 21/01/2017 20:12

You need to get some professional advice here as i think your ex can stop the adoption. Good luck op x

Original poster
BlueParrott · 21/01/2017 20:19

Moonlight hes unemployed, lazy and feckless why would i expose my son to that? My fiance is lovely and works really hard. Just because my ex got me pregnant it doesnt mean he has any connection especially to the son hes seen once in his life.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 21/01/2017 20:24

why would i expose my son to that?

I'm sorry OP but it's too late to think of that now. Once that birth certificate was signed you lost all rights to make a choice about this. If he wants to be involved you have no legal right to stop him and nobody else can adopt his DS without his informed consent. It's that simple.

humbugcentral · 21/01/2017 20:48

RTFT and felt I had to de lurk. OP I understand that your child's father has not behaved well towards you and has not taken on his responsibilities as a parent. It isn't right but it's happened. I do feel that pushing for your DP to adopt so soon is a recipe for possible disaster. We all go into relationships with the intention for it to last but it doesn't always go like that, as you have already experienced.

Now in terms of the birth certificate, I wholly believe that the fathers details should be on the birth certificate. A birth certificate is what it says on the tin so to speak, to certify the birth of a new human. As we know it takes two humans to make another human. Why the hell shouldn't this be documented for the child's sake. Your child had the right to know his fathers name and address. You could die tomorrow and who's to say that this information would be past onto your child in the future. Your child may want a relationship with his father and nobody has the right to stand in the way of this unless the child would be put at risk in the process. And I'm sorry you haven't really evidenced this. I also feel that as your child is of mixed heritage (I am too) you have an important responsibility to ensure that your child is fully aware of his culture and heritage. Who better placed to help him with this than his father.

And I too have been in similar circumstances with my DC and registered DC with the father as my DC deserves to know that their father exists, has a name and cared enough to document it. Every child at the very least deserves this. And yes I was fully aware that he would gain full PR in the process and trust me he can be a mega dick but I still believe that my DC should have both parents details on the certificate.

I think you are putting your wants and needs above that of your child's. In fact I feel quite sorry for your little one. I can see a very confused young man in 15 years when he looks around his family and thinks I'm different, where the hell do I come from? Who am I really? Have you even considered this?

Original poster
BlueParrott · 21/01/2017 20:49

I wish id not put him on the birth certificate Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueParrott · 21/01/2017 20:54

Of course ive thought of it humbug. Im half Italian and never really thought about my heritage but obvs my son might do. I have lots of friends with Nigerian heritage. I also plan to tell him where his dad/grandparents come from.

OP posts:
user1484317265 · 21/01/2017 20:58

He cant walk in and out of my sons life though that will be too disruptive to him and i wont allow it

You won't have any choice if he goes to court, he will get access and you won't be able to do anything about it.

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