To be a bit irritated by my friend?

[cattypussclaw]

So... have this friend. Met her about three years ago when she had one child. She's since had a second baby.

Ooh- keep us updated. Most people on realising you wanted it in these circumstances would probably just have given it to you or certainly accepted a reasonable offer.

Don't do her any more favours.

Goodness so much vitriol over a tenner

Vitriol? Where?

I bet she turns up with the phone and wants cash off you today - there and then.

You do have a point madparent and, to be fair, she did once say to me that she wasn't quite sure how to react to people who help her with no expectation of anything in return as, to her, help from people always means they'll want something in return. Because of that, and the things I know she has experienced, I've always tried to err on the side of assuming that her life experiences mean she doesn't see things the same way I do, if that makes sense. I come from a supportive family, have a sister and in laws, and shedloads of nephews and nieces and we all speak to each other and don't fall out. I have a fabulous Mum and a Dad, who are still happily married after 50 years. She has none of that. She's experienced things that I can't even contemplate. So I've tried to be generous and kind and show her that not everyone is cruel and violent.

She is my friend, she's a lovely Mum and she adores my daughter. She is damaged and I don't want to write her off, but I might perhaps take a step back.

She's at the door. I'll be back!

Oh i bet FlyWax is right so have your answer ready op.

I would be annoyed too, I would say "No it's ok give it to the higher bidder. It's a good idea actually, I am going to let dd sell all the clothes we normally give away, she can buy a new phone and it will help teach her the value of money and not giving things away for free" , although I probably wouldn't do that either

"Ah it's ok now, one of my other friends are selling one for £xxx" - might I suggest exactly £10 less than what you'd originally offered?

I know it's petty, but she might get the message 🤞

I dislike people like this .....she's a born Taker .... money grabbing ... and anything for free .... I bet she's selling all those freebies on Ebay too x

blatant place marking - what did she say?

Am I the only one who suspected that there might not even have been a stranger with a higher bid?

okay vitriol might be a bit OTT but....

"wide berth", "nasty grabbing cow", "taking the piss", "net taker", "grabby", "drop the bitch", "last favour" and not another single thing etc.

These seem a little harsh/bitter/angry words to me over ten pounds given the circumstances. Of course I believe that we should all have our own opinions but the speed of judgement on here is astounding.

OP I'm gripped! Hope your coffee wasn't too stressful.

yanbu.

It'll probably be the end of your friendship though, you'll find with people like that, once you rein in YOUR giving, you're cut out!

I had a friend like this living on my street, became a single parent and struggled a bit, I helped loads (at the time was happy too), DH gave her a massive discount on a large item from his business in exchange for some future babysitting for us which never happened… let that go. Then DD and her DD went to the same after school activity, after years of my helping her DD get to stuff when they didn't have a car, "friend" got a car and I asked if she'ld take DD to this activity once a week. She did. Until she moved literally 10 minutes away, and now it's "not on her way" and she doesn't take DD any more. I'm fucking quietyly raging… but stayed friendly because our DDs are friends… or were… once I stopped jumping every time she needed a favour (Because it became aparent that they would never be repayed in any form).. DDs invites to sleep over stopped as has our personal friendship (we used to have coffees and chats)

Sorry I totally took over your thread there for a minute OP…
… she's a taker, be prepared to mean nothing to her once you stop the one way giving.

I had a friend like this and the resentment ate away at me, eventually we grew apart.
I never felt like I could be petty enough to point out all the things I'd done for her and money I'd spent etc
Because I should have done!

namechanger has a good point. Your 'friend' may have just said that to get the price up.

I'd have given you the phone for free if you'd helped me out that much tbh.

I can't bear people like this. Refuse the phone, get one from eBay. And next time donate your stuff to nicer people or charity

Place marking=I want to know how lunch went!

I can understand your irritation. Next time you have some nice clothes your DD has outgrown, post them on FB or your local buy/sell/swap page to raise some money for your daughter to put towards a nice phone she can choose

Wow, some people on here are swift to kill friendships.

What I think is, some people are basically a bit thick when it comes to friendships and OP's friend is one. She thinks she is selling her phone and wants/needs as much as possible so she can get a new one. She just hasn't connected the dots between having had lots of second hand clothes passed on and how it would be nice to reciprocate. If she's invited herself round, I suspect she just hasn't seen the connection.

Perhaps the OPs offer was - actually - a bit cheeky - or simply less than she'd need to raise?

And, more importantly, perhaps she contributes to the friendship in ways that are not material?

YANBU to be a bit irritated OP, but YABU to ditch a friendship as so many people here are racing to suggest.

HOWEVER - this bit worried me
"She'd go off the deep end and I can't be bothered with it."

I think you just have to be affront with her about how you feel and not approach it from a "you're a bit damaged perspective". It probably just didn't occur to her that you might feel that way. That's fine, but if you have expectations - let her know.

Also don't buy her stuff if you are going to Ikea, just say I can't afford to pick you anything up at the moment - I'm a bit skint this month.

upfront!

Wow, some people on here are swift to kill friendships

Nope, suggesting the OP stops being "the giver" will only kill the friendship if the "friend" is a true "taker" and no longer bothers with the OP when the one way giving stops.

If the friend is a real friend they'll stay friends even when the OP isn't doing a load of one sided giving right?

Much experience of 'takers' here...another friend's fiancé called off their wedding and she was devastated. She wanted to visit her mum who lived abroad (a long way away!) and I offered to lend her almost £1k for flights. I knew the only way that this would be repaid would be slowly over several years but was happy to accept this. Friends help friends right? After a year no attempt to repay a penny had been made at all. Friend's mum then came to visit her here in this country and I found out whilst chatting that she had paid for my friend's flights too! The exact same flights I had lent her the money for.

Sadly, sometimes the way we view friendships is not necessarily the way our friends view them.

Unfortunately, there are people who seem to just be about what they can get.

To answer your original query, YANBU to be irritated by your 'friend's' behaviour.

binky that's pretty low!

I found out whilst chatting that she had paid for my friend's flights too! The exact same flights I had lent her the money for.

Blimey! Did you say anything? Did you get the money back?

Arthur I nearly choked on my coffee as her mum told me she'd paid for the flights (she was saying it had made her son jealous). I didn't let on to her that I'd given her daughter the flight money too. Was a real punch in the stomach though.