To be a bit irritated by my friend?

[cattypussclaw]

So... have this friend. Met her about three years ago when she had one child. She's since had a second baby.

I think so Grumpy, I never just dumped things on her. Used to tell her I was having a clear out and she used to come over and pick out the bits she wanted before I got rid of the rest. But that has made me think about whether she feels obliged to take things when she doesn't really want them.

Yanbu. Have you had issues with a lack of generosity in tbe past?

"Givers" need to set limits, because "takers" don't have any.

Wise words, Fly.

Am I right in thinking that she's accepted loads of stuff off you (and childcare) in the past for free, and isn't particularly hard up, and yet she 's not willing to give you a third-hand phone for free? (And worse expects you to enter a bidding war!) Wow. I'd not say anything, except for no thanks, but I'd not be giving her anything ever again. Surely when you expressed an interest she could have said "if you want it, it's yours for free as a thank you for all you've done for me / us"? Not "next bid please..."

Exactly what I was about to post Fetchez, those words from Fly stood out.

YANBU

You said she was (generous), is she usually generous? If she is and this is a blip, I'd ignore. But if she has never been generous towards you, I'd make a change.

Yes, but just silly things Stealth. Like I'll say I'm going to IKEA or John Lewis and she'll say, "Oh, can you get me x while you're there?". And I do but she is soooo reluctant to give me the money back. When the situation is reversed, however, she texts me (from the shop!) and says, "I got your x, can you Paypal me the money now?".

I know that, financially, we are in different worlds. Both her and her husband work full time and, at an educated guess based on what she's told me, I doubt they bring home half of what my husband does and have a much bigger mortgage than us. But just because I can afford to buy her things and never get the money back, doesn't mean I should.

With other friends, I tend not to give them money for things I've picked up for them at the shops (unless it's a major purchase) and they don't give me money either. We figure it all evens out in the end, more or less.

Now I've written it down, it looks like I'm so having the piss taken out of me

Some people are takers OP. I used to take a friend's child to school every day for a year so that she could get to work on time. Child got dropped off half an hour before we left for school each day. The 'friend' babysat for me one night and charged me £9 per hour

Katy, I wasn't even expecting the phone for free but, having offered her a fair price for it, I was expecting her to sell to me (a friend) rather than selling it to a stranger for an extra tenner.

She's invited herself over for a cuppa at lunchtime so we'll see what she says.

I think you're right Binky.

Either say 'no thanks' or 'what about 'your price' plus a bag of children's clothes next time I have one?' to make the point.

By the way, I'm not sure it's reasonable to be 'a bit 'irritated' on AIBU. I think you have to be 'incensed' or 'livid'.

YANBU
I also have a friend like this, her dd is six months younger than mine & I was alway happy to pass stuff on & she did seem grateful. Got a bit miffed when I discovered she was also sourcing on behalf of her sil (and a couple of parents at her dds school who thought she was wonderful) and started getting specific requests for some of my dds clothes. Unfortunately my dd has now not out grown of any of her clothing for about six years
Very awkward moment over coffee last year when I mentioned I was looking for specific item, only a small thing, and she said she had one I could have. Great I thought, until she asked how much I'd give her for it
Give her a wide-berth OP before she has the shirt off yer back!!

I would say "great that you can get an extra tenner" to her. I bet there isn't even another buyer really - she just wants to extract more cash. A shame, but at least you know where you stand.

Sorry wifework, I'll try to work myself up to livid, if it helps

If I can find a non-confrontational way of referring to everything I've given her/done for her, I might mention it. But you don't give to receive, do you? And that's what it'll look like if I make reference to it.

on your behalf feebeecat

If I was her I'd definitely see it as an opportunity to repay you and give you the phone for free. She sounds like a taker. I would be miffed and much less inclined to help her out in the future.

She'll be here soon. Will let you know what she says.

Goodness so much vitriol over a tenner.

Would you really get rid of a friend so quickly? Whatever happened to love, compassion and benefit of the doubt?

If all inconsideration or impetuous behaviour was always to be met with this sort of punishment the world would be such an insular place.

It's natural to try to get the best price for something you are selling? Your friend just acted objectively (she was selling something) before thinking about other aspects such as friendship etc.

I bet she would be mortified (in hindsight) if she realised how you felt.

"broken family, constant rows, some physical abuse" hardly the caring environment to gain a lot of emotional experience to be great at friendship maintaining and have altruistic qualities.

Could easily be wrong though, I am no guru.

She's not a friend OP, but it still hurts to find that out.
I wouldn't have the phone, if I were you, I would also distance myself from her.

To kind of make reference to it how about saying "no worries, sell it to the person offering you that extra tenner. I've been thinking I'll sell some of DD's old clothes in future rather than giving them away and put that money towards her new phone".

Sadly, I think all your given has just been forgotten/taken for granted/expected. Bottom line seems to be it's not been worth a tenner to her. You sound a lovely person OP. Sadly, not enough like you in the world. I think your DC should start to 'not outgrow' their clothes too

madparent1 she said she was a bit irritated. I hardly call that vitriol.

wifework, I am tongue in cheek referring to responses by others, for some it would seem flogging would be too good for this taker!!

Of course she doesn't owe you anything.

But she's a knob to do that for a tenner. And if its a small ish amount she should have just given it you.