To not want to deal with her ED again

[Strawberryshortcake40]

I know it's all part of a parent and I should suck it up but I just don't think I have the strength.

DD is 14. She was diagnosed with anorexia July 2015. Was off school for 9 months while I battled to get her better. Home recovery is pushed rather than hospital as the recovery rates are higher. It was the worst 9 months of my life. I had to drop lots of work, try and keep my business afloat whilst dealing with a seriously ill child. Mentally and physically. It was so bad I still have flashbacks, fortunately she retains little memory of it all. Slowly she got well and I got my life back a bit. My other DC started to relax and enjoy life again.

She's ill again. She has dropped a ton of weight since last month, all the behaviours are back. I've just searched her room and found a massive carrier bag full of rotting food in her wardrobe.

I don't want this again, I know that's unreasonable but I've tried so hard to get my life on track and have a happy family again. I'm divorced, there's only me to keep all of us okay. I just don't think I can

Op. You are amazing. Your love shines through the most in your post, and your frustration is more than understandable.

How did you cope last time? I mean the tiny details of what worked e.g eating the mars bar for energy, getting friend support. It must've took all your reserves.

Although her dad has his own agenda, was he reliable to help in some ways?

You and she beat it last time. You can again. Although the memory of last time is raw and haunting, it may not be as bad this time.

Could the school help support your wee one? Is there a plan you could put in place to help her. Often charities provide counselling at low cost, could you access some for you for a private place to talk?

All I keep thinking is this will keep happening. I read the books, I know that relapse can keep happening. I won't be there to save her when she goes to uni.

I've emailed youngest school. They knew last time and I hated seeing the look in people's eyes. I just feel an utter failure as a mother. Had to divorce DH because of his emotional abuse and the effects from that seem never ending.

I have an older DD too. Thankfully she is away at uni.

Thanks for answering, OP. I'm sorry your DD's father can't be of more help.

Is it possible that this has morphed into a form of Munchausen syndrome? She seems very attached to the attention side of things?

I had a wobbly moment coming out of depression, when I was well enough that people stopped noticing I was ill and started assuming I was fully functional, and it briefly felt like things had been better when I was ill....but as soon as I fully recovered it was clear that my life was far better with no illness and no attention for it, than with the illness and all the attention.

I wonder if your DD lost the attention before she fully started to realise the benefits of recovery?

did gp refer you to a counsellor? if not, can you find a private therapist for you? is there a service through your employer? or via the services which support your dd?
you certainly need emotional support as well, in order to help your dd and be able to support her.

OP I think it's worth thinking about whether residential can give you some respite from the situation. I know you think that being at home is the best possible care and offers the most chance of recovery, but you have to balance her needs against the needs of you and your other children. There's no point in you all going down and you will be unable to help her if you are really ill/unable to work/trigger issues with the youngest child.

I think she has a huge hold over you all with this and (unconsciously) you are all essentially trying to please her and give her attention to stop her doing something that could kill her, but this isn't a very healthy dynamic for her or you or her sister.

I hope you get to speak to some specialist counselling services for yourself, one of the ones posted here may know more (and it may be that residential services isn't offered for your dd anyway, but I just wanted you to think through that sometimes you have to save yourself in these situations, and if you lock yourself into thinking only one course of action is right, it can actually be very destructive for you mentally).

Morphene - that is kind of what I'm thinking. She's lost her "badge" and whilst she doesn't want to be ill, she wants the benefits of that.

But nothing I've read says that can happen?

I used to reward her with new clothes every time she put on weight. She's commented several times recently how good that was.

I was prescribed meds but had a really bad reaction to them so decided to try and deal with it myself. CBT work at home, that kind of thing.
Massive waiting list for therapy here. And I work for myself so no therapy through work.

It will come down to only having the money for her therapy, and cutting anything non essential for that. The health system is pretty inadequate for this kind of thing in our area.

CAMHS in my experience are a patchy service anyway.Have school offered any counselling for her?I would also seek help from her HOY,mention what's been happening at home especially the violence.School usually have a PCSO who visits I think that it would be a good idea if they had a word to discusd dv & the consequences.

The feeling of failing as a mother is a terrible and powerful demon.

I can see why you might feel you were failing, because bad things are happening in your family, but the truth is the picture reflected by everyone's comments on here.

We know you didn't cause this. We know you have given everything you had and more to make things better for your whole family.

We know you are a truly amazing mother.

And none of that makes any difference because it only matters what you believe...and you, somehow, in the face of all of the evidence, believe you are failing.

I wish I could show you what we all see.

DD used to threaten to kill you and your sister?

I have a lot of sympathy for DD2.

But please don't forget that DD3 needs just as much sympathy. Seriously,

And threats of murder, especially to a younger child? That needs to be taken extremely seriously.

I think you sound like a great mother and I understand that DD2 doesn't want to be sick (of course). But DD3 can't live with somebody that threatens her life. If this happens again, what would you do? Maybe a stay in a clinic? Or other facility?

Maybe she won't and shouldn't go to uni Strawberry - it isn't always the best thing even for academic high achievers if they don't do well with stress, and all the more so with the added stress of future debt.

Don't worry about something that may not happen 4+ years down the line, you've got enough on your plate now.

I hope you can get some help from the sources suggested by other posters such as ABC - what a shitty and frustrating, frightening, difficult situation for you and your youngest just as much as EDDD.

SS I'm so sad for you. Have you thought about switching your care to another hospital? In B there seems to be much better teenage care available, you DD really needs more help than what you are receiving right now.

You sound like a great mother and YANBU at all.

Tbh I'm very tempted right now to take my youngest and not come home. Im desperately afraid for her mental health. She saw and heard things no child should ever have to see.

I have a huge amount of sympathy for all my DC but this is going to be so very hard.

Seconded, you are an amazing mum. Anorexia is not a failure by the parents. My parents thought they had done something wrong to cause it, mine was caused by anxiety. They were brilliant. You're doing everything you can and that's the most important thing.

It's such a complex illness, I don't think you can unpick the motivations behind it, I doubt your daughter knows why she is doing it. The fact that she is secretive about losing weight, hiding food for example makes me think it's not all attention seeking?

Relapses are common. It's not a failure on your part. You need to lose the guilt. You maybe able to nip this in the bud by accessing the right help, although it sounds woefully lacking for you.
This set back doesn't mean you will return to the dark place you were before. Thinking positively, although difficult, might help you get through this.

Sorry x post with you there strawberry please get yourself back to the GP.You can't exist like this.I am in a similar situation to you so I do completely sympathise with you.It's frustrating and upsetting that others don't appreciate the ripple effect on others.

hmm...I found a few papers indicating an algorithm exists for determining the presence of Munchausens in eating disorders...so it is at least something that someone has thought about before.

Seeing as she is self-aware enough to admit that attention seeking is a part of what is happening, can you try to work through together and see which things she thinks are which?

Maybe even sympathising that you understand that with the terrible consequences of the illness for her and all around her, there were some benefits. Maybe try to get her to think about the weighing up of the pros and cons.

Remember that even if attention seeking is a big part of her experience, it is still mental illness. Nobody would put themselves through that by choice. If she is prepared to go to such lengths then there is still a deep mental health problem, although it may not have been the one that was diagnosed.

It certainly wouldn't make any of this any more your or your DD's 'fault'.

THis is bloody unfair and absolutely see you can't face it again.

However IMHO (absolutely only my view) and eating disorder is pretty much always a relapsing illness with the possibility it'll relapse life long.

Maybe re frame it in your mind - if this was a leukaemia you would ride through the treatment phase and wait for the relapse- it would also probably nearly kill you in the same way , and ( depending on the type) be as life threatening to your daughter. Only difference, maybe you'd feel " validated" and you don't need that ,this is a real " valid" illness

OP, sorry, I wrote a long post and lost it. Anyway, it was probably mostly doggerel.

I'm sorry you are all going through this, again. EDs are nasty nasty buggers and yes, there may well be further relapses. EDs leave long shadows. I had anorexia/bulimia from 14-20 and still feel such angst over what I put my parents through, though the good news is that we are all happy and healthy now and not too many demons around to show for it. You are, if I may say so, a class act of a mother. I do think ED really does rank highly as one of the worst things a parent has to deal with - because of the still present taboo/looks at the school gates/total lack of understanding across the general public and the feeling of disgust at some of the behaviours. Somehow doesn't garner the same level of sympathy as other illnesses and so you probably do feel so alone in battling against it.
Good news is - DD recovered once, she and you can do it again. You recognise the behaviours now, you are much more prepared. It's grim as anything to have to get on the roundabout again but you will manage.
I have to say I'd be concerned about the violence DD1 displays. I was not aware of this being a typical response to anorexia. This is perhaps something secondary? The anorexics I knew were sad, silent and secretive. Defensive when confronted perhaps but generally not actually violent towards others. I wish you all the strength in getting your family through this.

YANBU. You are doing amazing and these feelings of anger and frustration are perfectly normal under the circumstances. I can't imagine what you're going through and hopefully never will From a layperson's view, it sounds like your dd has a personality disorder and the ed is a by product of that. I wish you had the support you deserve and need - what a horrible situation for you all

OP, I am so so sorry you are going through this. It does sound as though you need your DD in hospital, for the protection of your younger DD and yourself. The evidence says that keeping teenagers with EDs at home is better only in families that can cope.. and as an unsupported lone parent who has to work to support your entire family whilst battling your own PTSD: really, you are not coping, and need and deserve some more help. But having said that, I am sadly well aware that the threshold for getting inpatient ED treatment is just rising and rising in response to funding cuts and bed shortages and that, however much you need, you might struggle to find it. I guess the question then becomes, what can MN do to supportbyou through each day?

for you OP. As a recovered anorexic, I can state that people with EDs are HORRIBLE whilst ill - secretive, abusive, manipulative, aggressive and just generally awful to be around or deal with. Don't beat yourself up about 'disliking' your DD whilst she's going through this, it is possible to love someone and dislike them simultaneously.

Please get in touch with any HCP who will listen to see about getting yourself some support with this, and keep bugging everyone and anyone - you shouldn't have to deal with this alone.

OP you are not being unreasonable at all. You have every right to feel anger at this turmoil happening again. You have every right to feel the terror of seeing your precious child's face whilst they say they will kill you. You have every right to feel torn between helping DD1 again and trying to protect your DD2 from harm. You are at the end of your tether. The sleeping with one eye open for fear she will come into your room to cause you or your DD2 harm is extremely hard and unbearable as is the lack of compassion you have, and will encounter on this journey through hell.

Although you are quite sure you will not be able to cope with another episode of this, you will find that you have a strength you didn't know you have. You will come through this, but not without "battle scars".

I really do wish you and your family all the best. All the emotions you are feeling are normal and legitimate.