To not want to deal with her ED again

[Strawberryshortcake40]

I know it's all part of a parent and I should suck it up but I just don't think I have the strength.

DD is 14. She was diagnosed with anorexia July 2015. Was off school for 9 months while I battled to get her better. Home recovery is pushed rather than hospital as the recovery rates are higher. It was the worst 9 months of my life. I had to drop lots of work, try and keep my business afloat whilst dealing with a seriously ill child. Mentally and physically. It was so bad I still have flashbacks, fortunately she retains little memory of it all. Slowly she got well and I got my life back a bit. My other DC started to relax and enjoy life again.

She's ill again. She has dropped a ton of weight since last month, all the behaviours are back. I've just searched her room and found a massive carrier bag full of rotting food in her wardrobe.

I don't want this again, I know that's unreasonable but I've tried so hard to get my life on track and have a happy family again. I'm divorced, there's only me to keep all of us okay. I just don't think I can

[Strawberryshortcake40]

just found another bags worth of food.

Somewhat gratifyingly was able to phone ex and tell him the snack she had when he was with her that "of course she ate", in pieces in her handbag. Right in front of him she managed to hide the entire lot. She's damn good at this.

Next Fri she has planned surgery, I'm concerned this may have an impact on her recovery? Should I let the hospital know?

[BarbarianMum]

Yes you should let them know - they'll know whether it will impact her treatment and they'll need to know her actual weight for the anesthetic.

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

I'm so sorry for what you are all going through. I don't think people realise what it's like living with someone with an eating disorder. It's a type of torture that it is quite unlike many other types of illness.

I'm saddened but not surprised that various services have been unhelpful and dismissive. We know anorexia has a high mortality rate, yet we still don't dedicate enough funding and services to this illness.

Like others, I also disagree that violence is par for the course. It can be when there are over comorbid mental health conditions but no, the level of violence she is displaying, goes above and beyond what is typical of anorexia. There's a difference between lobbing a plate of food at the wall and threatening murder. How horrific for your family that you have been led to believe that this is typical. Your DD is clearly very unwell and as a result, you are all suffering.

What is your relationship with your GP like? Alternatively, I would take her to A&E and get her assessed. She's really not well and we need to stop with "care in the community" to the detriment of the patient. Yes, of course people must not be sent to hospitals for months on end but they must be able to access inpatient treatment when it is warranted and I do think it is warranted.

Take care of yourself.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

I have managed to contact the therapist she used to see from Camhs. She left the nhs shortly after DD was discharged. Basically she said the whole system is in crisis, to try everywhere for help but ultimately I will need to find help privately.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

The GPs sadly weren't great. To their own admission before they had nobody who really dealt with those kind of issues. ExH kicked up a massive fuss over that and we got slightly better treatment afterwards but it was a fight. It was unfortunate that even when her weight was horrendously low and she was virtually unable to walk her bp and bloods were fine. Those are the indicators they use!
One GP even suggested to her she should try eating more!!!
Honestly it is a joke dealing with MH issues in teenagers, it's a massive problem that nobody wants to face.

[Rixera]

CAHMS were useless to me too.
What help has she had for dealing with the problems her DF left her with? Not specifically learning how to eat again. She will keep relapsing unless the root cause is addressed, which you've mentioned has something to do with your ex.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Her therapist tried to deal with all of that. I'm guessing there's still lots of work to do :(

As a non medical person I would say she feels deeply unloved and out of control with her life. I am trying my utmost but I think it's not enough

[fourkids]

I know finding help can feel virtually impossible, but I'd say please don't take her to A&E. This is not an A&E problem and A&E is overstretched.

Aside from A&E's own issues, from yours and DD's POV if you take her to A&E, you and she will wait for hours and in all probability be quite rightly sent away. The message she will probably take from this is that no-one wants to help her (on the basis that she presumably already knows what a battle you have had getting her looked after), which may well make her worse.

BTW, OP, I do know you haven't said you are going to. I was responding to pp.

[BarbarianMum]

Are the grandparents generally good people? If so, it may be worth spelling out how they could help - not necessarily with the anorexia but say, by having dd3 overnight once every couple of weeks and showering her with love and attention. Or by babysitting her, or taking her to Brownies (or whatever) once a week or even by doing the household washing and ironing, or gardening, to take some of the load off you. Whatever would be helpful really.

[manicinsomniac]

YANB at all U for every last piece of despair, hatred, love, frustration, heartbreak and rage that you are feeling. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this again.

I have to agree with others that the level of violence your daughter is displaying is not (ime) part of parcel of anorexia, 'normal' or inevitable. Violence around being forced to eat, yes, I can see that. But the death threats and including your youngest daughter in her violence don't fit with what I know of the illness.

I am what doctors dismiss as a 'chronic' anorexic. I am no longer especially ill but I have been consistently anorexic for not far off 20 years. I have never been violent towards another person and neither have more than a handful of the dozens of anorexics I have known through the journey (not counting people trying to help or restrain an anoretic having a meltdown). I'm shocked that the doctors and therapists are so dismissive of this side.

And the attention thing could absolutely be a factor in her relapse. It's not invalidating her illness to say that anorexia is often ties up in issues of control, manipulation and attention seeking. I was relatively invisible in my year group at school until I became anorexic. Then I was exotic and interesting. People treated me like an unexploded bomb. Returning to school after long periods of absence I was a curiosity and everyone wanted to hear about 'rehab'. Of course they wanted to friends with my illness, not me, but I either didn't see or didn't care about that. People were noticing me and it was great. In periods of recovery I've definitely felt, even as an adult, that nobody will want to bother with me if they think I'm healthy and ok. Being weak and sick becomes your identity in a way and losing it (and having to find out what your personality actually is and learn to connect to people using that alone) is really scary!

I also wouldn't dismiss treatment as useless and dangerous. It can be, absolutely, but it can also be a lifesaver and it can cure people - especially very young people. I was in a unit for 5 months at 16 and the relationships, life skills and health I gained there were invaluable. Yes, I relapsed - but not for nearly 2 years. Plus, as you say, your daughter is sadly relapsing anyway so I don't think it can be said that relapse is any proof on failure on the part of hospital treatment that wouldn't have happened with home treatment.

In short - I think your daughter's medical team need to get more serious and help you more. Your situation is untenable. I am going through about a 100th of it with my own 14 year old who, while not anorexic (I know that because she won't let her weight or health get low enough to be asked to leave her dance school) definitely has disordered eating and keeps herself underweight deliberately. It terrifies me and I feel so much guilt and frustration. Living with full blown anorexia in your child must be hell of earth and you deserve to moan, complain and rant as much as might help. I really hope you can find more real life support in this.

[Allthewaves]

Would young carers help younger dd? Around here they do trips away for them, activities to give them a break from home situations like this.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

The only way I will take her to a and e is if it becomes an emergency. We were taught the symptoms of cardiac arrest etc in anorexics so that is the only time I would take that route.

No to helpful grandparents. No way I would let my narc DM at her! And DD is viewed as "difficult", because of her panic attacks, to ex in laws.

[laureywilliams]

So sorry you have to go through this.

Usually the second time we have to do something we've learnt some strategies/tricks to cope with it. I hope this time will be quicker/easier now you're 'experienced'.

Your daughter is very lucky.

[onmybroomstick]

So sorry you're having to go through this again op

[PovertyJetset]

Holy shit, it sound so bad.

You are a fucking warrior , and although the storm is brewing I feel from your posts that you will both come through this.

Friends, can you lean on them? Even as a busy parent I would most definitely step up and help you and your girls out. Ask for help. Ask.

Sending you courage.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

I don't know what to say to her tonight. I've disposed of all the food and taken everything out of her drawers to be able to clean them. I'm not sure whether to just put it all back and say nothing or get her to put everything away with me when she gets home to reinforce that all the food has gone and we are "starting clean".

[Strawberryshortcake40]

manicinsomniac - that is so interesting what you say about attention at school. I'm fairly sure that is the real crux of her problem.

[PovertyJetset]

Hiding the food so badly would suggest to me that she wanted you to find it?

I don't know what to suggest as I don't know what the right thing to do would be.

Have you made an appointment for the doctors?

Maybe this time around it's time to medicate?

[Rixera]

Maybe just gently say I've found this, are you finding things hard again?
Don't blame or be angry (even if you are), that is the worst feeling. But make a point that it's not hygienic and you don't want it being stored like that in your house so you will gladly help her with those feelings.

And yes, more work probably does have to be done regarding her DF. It doesn't just go away. There is free counselling you can get non-NHS, particularly school counselling.

Try to do fun things separate from food, even when it's awful. Cinema trips, painting nails, making beaded jewellery together. You, and both DD's. Complimenting both of them.

If everything revolves around food at home, it becomes even more stressful and significant for everyone in the house. And you need to make a point of everyone having individual private time- you to take a nice long bath and glass of something, and schedule what they do in theirs to prevent anxiety. Anxiety makes it really hard to relax so you have to teach them how.

[fourkids]

Maybe just gently say I've found this, are you finding things hard again? Don't blame or be angry

This...and prepare for WW3.

Gird your loins. You've done it before and you CAN do it again. Not addressing it tonight is delaying the inevitable. And the longer the inevitable is delayed, the more weight is lost, and the harder it gets.

My advice (FWIW) is to remember that DD isn't being bad - sometimes it helps to imagine that DD has an 'imp' (an anorexia imp) and it is the imp that lies and hides food in the wardrobe. But the imp is inside her, so as much as it's hard for you to deal with, it's hard for her to fight the imp too.

But make a point that it's not hygienic and you don't want it being stored like that in your house

probably the least of your worries right now?! (although obviously to an extent true)

[Goingtobeawesome]

I can't help as no experience but if you want company I'm good at that.

Look after yourself when you can.

[fourkids]

when you have a daughter with anorexia (or other MH problems), it's easy to feel like it's your fault, and that other people think it's your fault. It's really lovely to see so many people on here supporting rather than finger pointing :)

[Rixera]

It may be the least of her worries but it's something DD can't argue with and the goal is to make things as peaceful as possible for everyone's benefit.

If you start an argument she will probably argue back. I would have. But you can't argue with rotten food being unhygienic, that's a fact.

[fourkids]

Rixera, yep, fair point.

[AnotherSadMum]

I just want to weep with you. My dd had anorexia for a year at 17, I did refeeding but due to rubbish support from a private charity and DP she didn't really kick it, just got to the bottom of the healthy BMI range. She's been a weird eater, anxious, depressive and generally struggles to stay happy ever since (2 years), and the latest thing is veganism which mainly consists of eating vegan Percy pigs and small quantities of vegan cheese.

I still panic every time she rings and doesn't leave a message, because of the suicide threats last time, and dread every encounter for fear of what state she'll be in. She's left home and is working and doing really well, but underneath is still fragile.

And yes she, or rather her disease, was violent, aggressive, rude, cruel to others, mainly me, and constantly angry, with the most foul and unpleasant language, and the better she was doing, the worse it was.

I got a lot of support then from this forum: www.aroundthedinnertable.org

And yes I am still absolutely ragingly angry at what this disease has done to her, me, and our family. To use the swear I first heard on this site, Anorexia can fuck off to the far side of fuck and fucking stay there!

I'm struck that often on here people being abused are encouraged to get angry about their abuser and to use the anger to find energy to fight for freedom. I wonder if this is a similar situation.

Courage, OP - you and she beat it once, you can do it again. Big Girl Pants all round.