To not want to deal with her ED again

[Strawberryshortcake40]

I know it's all part of a parent and I should suck it up but I just don't think I have the strength.

DD is 14. She was diagnosed with anorexia July 2015. Was off school for 9 months while I battled to get her better. Home recovery is pushed rather than hospital as the recovery rates are higher. It was the worst 9 months of my life. I had to drop lots of work, try and keep my business afloat whilst dealing with a seriously ill child. Mentally and physically. It was so bad I still have flashbacks, fortunately she retains little memory of it all. Slowly she got well and I got my life back a bit. My other DC started to relax and enjoy life again.

She's ill again. She has dropped a ton of weight since last month, all the behaviours are back. I've just searched her room and found a massive carrier bag full of rotting food in her wardrobe.

I don't want this again, I know that's unreasonable but I've tried so hard to get my life on track and have a happy family again. I'm divorced, there's only me to keep all of us okay. I just don't think I can

[Rixera]

You have a really good idea about the abuse similarities, AnotherSadMum.

One thing that really helped me was seeing it as an abusive relationship. I couldn't get angry, I loved it too much. I still do love and miss it. But while I loved it, and it had many good points, it was ultimately hurting and going to kill me. Like an abusive relationship.

Being allowed to love and mourn the loss of my anorexia has contributed to staying well for this long, as it doesn't feel so us vs them, or that everyone else was just lying/wrong by saying it was all bad.

[AtleastitsnotMonday]

I hear what you are saying op but really do think your dd needs a higher level of care. It's a myth that you must drop below a certain weight for an ip admission. I was admitted to an edu for AN and there were multiple reasons for admission, amongst them being having exhausted all other treatment options and family no longer feeling able to provide the required level of support. I'm not saying getting a bed is easy, it certainly isn't and once you get a bed being ip does bring its own set of problems, but for some it is what is required. I don't know where you are in the country but I think you can self refer nationally for assessment by the team at GOSH London.
I would never normally suggest this but could you fit a lock to your younger dd's door so that she feels she has a safe space to retreat? Also you can claim dla and careers allowence for anorexia if you need financial support.

[Morphene]

Rixera thank you for posting so frankly about your emotions towards your illness. I think that is a profound analogy and has changed the way I am feeling about my own previous illness just by reading it.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Today I realised I didn't check her school bag for food. Found half carrier bag in total full. Mouldy entire sandwiches, the lot.

Despite me sitting opposite her for breakfast for an hour every morning for a week (time taken away from youngest DD and time I don't really have in mornings before work!) she managed to somehow hide most of her breakfast and then threw it down the toilet. It didn't flush properly so I found it.

You would think from what she says that she is totally onboard with trying harder with this. She's not. It's so pointless trying everything to make her eat. Short of stripping her naked I can't see how to stop her :(

[BurningBridges]

Hi Strawberry, I have no good advice, but did you try the Parents' helpline at ABC?

www.anorexiabulimiacare.org.uk