To not want to deal with her ED again

[Strawberryshortcake40]

I know it's all part of a parent and I should suck it up but I just don't think I have the strength.

DD is 14. She was diagnosed with anorexia July 2015. Was off school for 9 months while I battled to get her better. Home recovery is pushed rather than hospital as the recovery rates are higher. It was the worst 9 months of my life. I had to drop lots of work, try and keep my business afloat whilst dealing with a seriously ill child. Mentally and physically. It was so bad I still have flashbacks, fortunately she retains little memory of it all. Slowly she got well and I got my life back a bit. My other DC started to relax and enjoy life again.

She's ill again. She has dropped a ton of weight since last month, all the behaviours are back. I've just searched her room and found a massive carrier bag full of rotting food in her wardrobe.

I don't want this again, I know that's unreasonable but I've tried so hard to get my life on track and have a happy family again. I'm divorced, there's only me to keep all of us okay. I just don't think I can

Good point Branleuse, I was an undiagnosed autistic and it was brought to light by the ED.

They don't hospitalise for that! It's normal! I met another mum whose DD punched her in the face and broke her nose. The therapist had just shrugged at that. It's what happens. After all you are making them do the one thing they don't want to do - eat.

YANBU, OP. I can't imagine how exhausting and dispiriting this must be – for you all; but, as the responsible adult, of course you bear the brunt and of course it's terribly hard.

Can I ask, and I'm sorry if this is a blundering question, if your DD's father is or could be on the scene? Another adult taking some of the responsibility might help.

I don't know my way around the rest of MN very well, but are there any talk sections that might give more targeted support?

Residential is the worst thing for anorexics. They learn all kinds of behaviours. The only real chance they have is to be cared for at home, lovingly, in a secure calm environment.

Her dad is on the scene. Unfortunately that has its own issues. He helped before but it often was in a disordered way and with his own agenda. Ultimately it will be me who deals with this. He is already struggling.

Yes but if their behaviour puts other people in danger of domestic violence, surely residential is best, you have your youngest to think of as well.

No one, no matter what their illness is, should ever be in a position where they can cause pain and harm to their family. What, is she allowed to punch you because she's ill? I can't believe the professionals would allow that? Christ on a bike, that's bloody insane.

She needs expert care if it gets back to that stage, for her own safety as well as the safety of the rest of you. There is no excuse for threats to kill or violence. She HAS to be shown better ways to deal with this.

how awful Strawberry YANBU not to want to do it again, and how absolutely shitty that you have to.

The absolutely huge and life altering negative affect of anorexia on the rest of the family is very under reported - my younger sister was anorexic (still should be classed as "recovering" anorexic IMO because even though she is now fully functioning it absolutely changed her personality and the changes remain) and I was lucky to be away at university throughout most of it, but like many mental health problems it makes the sufferer hugely, unreasonably, almost unbearably selfish and difficult to live with. Not their fault and of course they are the ones suffering most, but there is not enough understanding for the destructive impact on their families and the horrible, judgemental, negative, anxious, walking on egg shell atmosphere the illness creates in the home which their entire family has to endure on the long road to recovery.

Don't waste your energy beating yourself up or feeling guilty for feeling like you do. It sounds like a terrible struggle and of course you might feel defeated, scared and even angry that your daughter has relapsed. That's probably a natural reaction. You sound like a strong amazing mum.
Don't feel ashamed to ask for support from wherever you can, your friends will probably be willing to help you again.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I just wanted to hear I'm not unreasonable I think, I feel the most terrible guilt for being so angry at her and at the way my life has to be.

It changes a child. It makes them say the most hurtful things that have such an impact. I can remember her telling me I would always be lonely and nobody would ever love me because I was such a fat, stupid bitch. It hurts when your own DC say that, even if it is when they have mental health issues. I don't feel strong enough to have that happen again. But how incredibly selfish of me not to be able to just take whatever for my DC.

I really feel for you and am shocked that in your area they deal with this by home support rather than a residential centre. We have a number of very effective units in our area:

www.cpft.nhs.uk/training/the-phoenix-centre-cambridge.htm

www.cpft.nhs.uk/training/the-croft-child-and-family-unit-cambridge.htm

Perhaps have a read of what they offer and ask if there is something similar available to you.

I know of a year 6 and a year 10 child (both genders) that have undergone residential programmes with support for the parents and siblings too.

I wish you all the best and send (very unmumsnetty) hugs.

I speak from experience as someone who would freak out if my behaviours were challenged or restricted in any way. I'd get violently angry but never ever EVER would that be directed towards another human being. No one has carte blanche to hurt you because they are your child or they are ill. No one. I'm flabbergasted that a therapist ignored the nose breaking.

💐. You can't tell your youngest DD that it won't happen, you can only tell her you will do your very best to help older DD. Don't promise anything you have no control over x

I can understand your anger if DD has been saying she got more attention when she had anorexia. It feels deliberate & maybe it is. I wonder if there's anyway she's putting this on simply to get attention?

Normally I'd say that being angry about anorexia returning is like being angry about cancer returning, whilst you can be upset & angry with the cancer/anorexia, you can't be angry with the person, they didn't choose it. But in this case she's been telling you she wants more attention (which you have been giving her), I'd be concerned she was so upset/worried about something that she thought this was the solution.

I would ring anyone & everyone up & down the country to see if I could find a way to determine if this is common, if there's any advice to be had, what I could do.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this on top of trying to recover yourself. I hope your friends are supporting you, because that's what good friends do. Support isn't a 'one off offer' that you've 'used up'.

The other thing I'd do talk to the parents of my other children's friends. Explain the situation & ask that if at anytime they wouldn't mind a +1 it would really help to give them a break from the situation at home. I'd happily have a child over if it helped, but wouldn't know to offer if I didn't know what was going on or how it was impacting the others.

And yes therapists do deem violent behaviour as normal. After our first session I had a lot of bruises and DD almost broke my thumb (was stopping her jumping from her window). The therapist said that was normal. I learnt to eat a mars bar on the way home from therapy to give myself enough energy to deal with the inevitable shitstorm when I got home.

Have you ever spoken to the Parent Helpline at ABC (Anorexia Bulimia Care)? Their approach is much more intensive and supportive for parents, I think you might find them better than, say, BEAT. ABC are in Bristol but their coverage is nationwide:

www.anorexiabulimiacare.org.uk/family-and-friends

OP seek help outside the home.

I was actively anorexic from the age of 7-16 and I was never violent towards anyone else and the 2 other people that I knew that had ED weren't violent neither!

Honestly I wouldn't be able to tolerate someone threatening to kill one of my DC,we have 5DC and two of our DC are autistic but if this ever happened I'd be insisting on outside help.

If your scared for your younger Daughters safety then I'd honestly contact SS they need to be involved and they can push for your older Daughter to get help through the hospital!

My youngest child doesn't have many friends anymore. She had a lot of issues after her sister was ill, anxiety attacks etc. She ended up missing a lot of school because she because panicky to be away from me in case her sister hurt me or died while she was at school.

It's taken until now to start to "fix" her. She doesn't deserve this.

I feel for you OP. I'm so sorry you have to go through this again. Hopefully it's not a full on relapse. It could be that something has happened at school that can be easily solved. You're a fantastic mum and your daughters are lucky to have you. You have us and we are here to support in whatever way we can.

Mental health relapses are very very hard to cope with. Though I was actually really angry when my DM had a cancer relapse too...so it isn't all just mental health bias!

I don't think the bias should be allowed to get you coming and going though! With physical illness, patients often have a better prognosis out of hospital than in, but that doesn't mean that they can be violent or put other children at risk. You wouldn't care for a physically hurt child at home if their pain meds made them violent towards a sibling would you?

Is it also a worry that the younger child will learn the behaviour? I realise you can't learn anorexia if it isn't a potential MH problem for you, but with a sister and father with issues, the genetics may not be on your side?

I mean it about the PM as well, any time. Rant away if you need to

Just want to say how sorry I am that you are dealing with this with little support. My niece has been ill with anorexia and bulimia for 11 years now and it has drained my sister, but she has to battle on and help her daughter because that is what mums do.
Go to your GP, and get a Mental health referral for yourself. You need someone to talk to too. It is free on the NHS, no need to pay £90 a time!
Encourage your daugter to get to the GP too and get her own referral. She needs help - you know this already.
X

EDDD has been asking for months to be home ed. no problems at school but apparently they don't give her enough attention. She feels they should be continually checking she is okay and eating.
So I can't help thinking this is her way of achieving that. I have been v honest with her that I have to work. That I believe school is where she needs to be. I have offered to look at other schools. She's doing brilliantly at school and I don't get what the issue is there.
Apart from the fact she wants attention.
Every trip out, every meal is always what she wants. We have lived that way now since she got ill. I actually can't give her any more attention than she has!!!

What ongoing therapy is she having?

CAMHs therapy stopped when she hit target weight. Private therapy stopped when they felt she was recovered (so Easter last year I think?) We have been a few times since but at £90 a time it's hard. Plus he felt she had all the tools to cope well now.

op don't let anyone tell you your emotions aren't valid. Of course it hurts and you have every right to be mad as hell at this turn of events.

Of course it isn't fair, it isn't even on the same planet as fair, to you or either of your two daughters or your family and friends.

Just as your DD didn't choose this, you absolutely did not choose this. In fact you have clearly done everything in your power and more to avoid it.

Did you get good support with the PTSD? IS there someone you can go back to for preventative was than responsive support?

Yes my youngest DD has a chance of developing it too.