OP, YANBU to not want to deal with this again, of course! Who would?
I'm sure it feels like a kick in the teeth. But DD is ill, not naughty or deliberately a PITA. Unfortunately relapse is common, and MH issues like this really are extremely difficult for the whole family.
Personally I wouldn't have put this post in AIBU because AIBU is kind of a flippant place for it. And many people with no experience or knowledge of what you are facing will be reading it and unfortunately gleaning misinformation about AN.
Anorexia makes the sufferer very violent This is an incorrect statement. Some patients may be violent but as DorcasthePuffin says, and ohtheholidays alludes to, not all anorexic patients are violent. In fact, I'm not sure it would be correct to say that even the majority are.
However if she is self-harming, you may find you can access care through CAMHS through that 'door'.
It's hard to know what will help, so although I've gone through some of the points here and addressed them, possibly that'll just come acros as unhelpful - apologies if that's the case. IME beyond practical help and advice, the most helpful thing can be the realisation that it isn't your fault, you are not alone, and you are not the only one in this boat.
Support in our area is virtually non existent. We did it before. All that got her better was eating. It sounds simple but it wasn't. It literally meant hours spent at the table watching every mouthful and then searching her afterwards. Oh and taking the bathroom door off
I'd say this is your real problem. Your battle begins again, and you may have to fight and fight for help - not just to get her to eat, but as you obviously know, she needs proper help to battle her underlying issues.
Have you looked at charities offering support and therapy? In some areas they are really helpful. Or school? For starters, you need to get back to the GP for a CAMHS referral and if treatment isn't forthcoming it's time to start writing strongly worded letters - unfortunately, frequently, he shouts who loudest gets their voice heard.
If it helps to have a positive side to look at, You know when people with DCs who have 'recovered' from EDs say things like 'she's a much better person for it' and 'we are all much better for it' and seem to see it as a blessing? They aren't being trite - it is really true. Hitting crisis point can mean that ultimately the person resolves things that would never have been addressed otherwise.
It changes a child. It makes them say the most hurtful things that have such an impact
This is true. And at the time (and potentially for a long time) it can feel like you've lost your DD. I'd really like to reassure you that with appropriate help, (again, potentially for a long time) it is often possible to get her back.
All I keep thinking is this will keep happening. I read the books, I know that relapse can keep happening. I won't be there to save her when she goes to uni.
would it help to know that all mums in your situation feel like this - feeling helpless is normal so you are normal...and that while it is true, universities have really good (obviously not infallible) support systems in place these days?
Morphene - that is kind of what I'm thinking. She's lost her "badge" and whilst she doesn't want to be ill, she wants the benefits of that.
normal again :-) but overcomable - I'd start trying to move her gradually towards thinking, rather than that she's just better and not 'special' any more, that she is an 'anorexic in recovery' which is incredibly special because it is terribly hard and you have to be brave and strong and work hard to be one of those! Anorexics in recovery deserve a really big badge of honour!
I'm sorry you are going through this again.