To not want to deal with her ED again

[Strawberryshortcake40]

I know it's all part of a parent and I should suck it up but I just don't think I have the strength.

DD is 14. She was diagnosed with anorexia July 2015. Was off school for 9 months while I battled to get her better. Home recovery is pushed rather than hospital as the recovery rates are higher. It was the worst 9 months of my life. I had to drop lots of work, try and keep my business afloat whilst dealing with a seriously ill child. Mentally and physically. It was so bad I still have flashbacks, fortunately she retains little memory of it all. Slowly she got well and I got my life back a bit. My other DC started to relax and enjoy life again.

She's ill again. She has dropped a ton of weight since last month, all the behaviours are back. I've just searched her room and found a massive carrier bag full of rotting food in her wardrobe.

I don't want this again, I know that's unreasonable but I've tried so hard to get my life on track and have a happy family again. I'm divorced, there's only me to keep all of us okay. I just don't think I can

[lunchboxtroubles]

I've worked with this charity on educational stuff and they do a lot of support for parents. My sympathies, it is an awful disease and very tough on families

www.anorexiabulimiacare.org.uk

[Strawberryshortcake40]

People do judge, I know that. It's harsh but true.

Last year was such a difficult year, I had real hopes that maybe this one would be good. I had planned to start dating this month! Obviously that will not be happening, but it's been a very lonely two years just concentrating on my DC and getting our family better.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Just realised how selfish that sounds. That isn't my priority right now!!

[StumblyMonkey]

Is she on medication for her ED?

Several medications can be very helpful in treating eating disorders alongside therapy.

I don't know what sort of job you do and your financial situation but can you afford to take her to a private psychiatrist that specialised in ED?

They have a very good reputation at The Priory (they have a number of hospitals around the country). The first consultation is usually around £250 and then £100 thereafter.

If you can afford it it might be worth it as you get much more support privately than via the NHS (sadly).

Also are there any forums/support groups online for parents of children with ED who can help support you and offer practical tips?

[StumblyMonkey]

^^and should include also what job her DF does as obviously he can/should contribute to if he can afford to...

[Strawberryshortcake40]

No meds, her dr didn't want that route.

I work pretty much minimum wage jobs, trying to build back up my much loved business that I had to let go when she was very ill. So those kind of costs aren't possible! Ex has access to private health care but it will depend on him agreeing she needs that, he didn't like the fact that the private therapist blamed him for her being ill.

Am making notes of all the online groups I can contact. For now im hiding away in my bedroom trying to stop crying. I just wanted my life back.

[DorcasthePuffin]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. I have to say, though, that while it is true that anorexics are a pain in the arse to deal with (yes, I with anorexic for many years) I don't think it's true that physical violence is commonly associated with anorexia. In fact, I've never heard that before, and I'm shocked at how dismissive the therapist was of this.

And another thing: anorexics are not 'better' when they put on weight; this is a really high risk time for anorexics, and the stage of anorexia with highest mortality is actually when they are gaining weight. You need ongoing support for a lengthy period after a healthy weight is established; it is also very difficult to do effective therapy when the anorexic is underweight. So the order of treatment has to be to give enough therapeutic support to enable weight gain, followed by weight gain, followed by the serious therapeutic support to prevent relapse and allow the development of non-anorexic coping skills.

Your situation sounds very complex and you need much better support than you have been getting. Have you talked to the Beat helpline?

Bottom line is that, regardless of the causes of the violence and threats of violence, you have to protect your youngest and yourself. Violence is NOT intrinsic to anorexia and dd2 has to know that this will not be allowed in your home.

[YouCanNeverHoldBackSpring]

Strawberry, this sounds just awful, wishing you every strength.

Thinking about what you've said re her need for attention, her awareness of that, the food hoarding etc, it sounds like she is in turmoil with her feelings and just can't unpick or deal with them. You said her therapist said they felt she now had a toolkit to deal with things - has she been actually using that toolkit. Were there techniques that she learnt in therapy that have been slipping? It would be easy for this to happen. Maybe some of those things could be revisited and refreshed. It can seem very false to go through such steps but they can, cumulatively, have an effect.

For example, it sounds like she needs to learn to nurture herself, rather than relying on you or the school to look out for her. She really, really needs to learn to value to take responsibility for caring for the vulnerable side of herself. Has she been given suggestions like writing a personal diary, trying meditation or mindfulness or yoga. Wen in the depths of despair it seems futile to do them, but doing things like that religiously every day, whether or not you feel like it, can help because it helps you to feel slightly more in control and that you are taking the time to listen to yourself and do something for yourself.

Doing these things might help you too, of course, as well as her, but it really sounds like she needs some techniques to use so that she can learn through her life to take care of herself, rather than relying on others or using behaviours to engineer what she needs.

I hope this makes some sense, please ignore if I sound to be talking bollocks!

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

YANBU at all OP, and of course your are scared for your youngest DD - who wouldn't be?

I understand what you're saying about care at home being the norm nowadays, but - like so many other people on this thread - I do wish that there were other options for you. I'm sure inpatient care has it's problems and is certainly no magic cure but, for a time at least, you would feel as though professionals were sharing DD2's care with you - and home would be a peaceful, safe environment for DD3.

I do apologise if you have already answered this question, but, is there any scope at all for DD3 to live with her father for a short time? Would that be any easier for her? I see that you've said he was EA, but I'm not sure if that was towards just you or the DCs also.

I'm so sorry that you're all going through this, it must be devastating .

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Youngest DD would be devastated to stay with DH. Plus I doubt he would have her. It has taken her a long time to build up to overnight stays with him. He wasn't EA to them but was to me in front of them. So they tread carefully around him.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Just realised how selfish that sounds. That isn't my priority right now!!

OP, it's not selfish to wish your life were better/easier/calmer/happier. It's just human.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Oh, bless her. So that's not an option either, very understandably.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

The buck stops with me. For all of this.

[Floofborksnootandboop]

She won't get admitted to hospital unless she drops below a certain weight, it's so sad that she has to literally be on her death bed before she can get real help. I tried everything to get my DD, now 16, into hospital the first 2 times when she was 12 and 14 but just wasn't going to happen.

I know exactly how you feel though, I had to put my whole life on hold, as did my husband and other 3 kids. I felt awful for thinking how selfish she was being, she wasn't being selfish of course, she couldn't help what she was going though, but I would get so upset thinking about everything we were having to sacrifice.

2 weeks ago I found out she's started taking weight loss supliments and fat and carb blockers, I don't know why is seems to come around every 2 years?! I cried for ages, not only thinking about how hurt she must be feeling but also thinking about what our family is going to have to deal with again.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

I'm sorry to hear that :( Yes hospital care is really offered far too late, hence the high mortality rates.

I hope you are able to help your daughter again. I wish you strength.

[CondensedMilkSarnies]

Nothing you say sounds selfish at all, just a normal reaction to that awful sick feeling of having to go through it all again. My friend is going through the same with her DD who is in a unit at the moment.

It must be terrifying for you all. What area are you in ? (Doesn't matter if you don't want to say) Just wondering if any MNetters are nearby who could offer rl support.

[mambono5]

OMG, I am sorry I don't have advice, but just wanted to say that you do not sound selfish at all!

You are upset about your child being ill, suffering, and you having to fight that and keep your family together. No normal human being would wish to have to go through that.

You don't sound unreasonable at all, you have been through a lot and it must be so heartbreaking to picture the fight in front of you again. You will go through that, you will be strong enough, good luck, but do not think for a second that it's wrong to wish that you and your kids were happy and healthy.

[fourkids]

OP, YANBU to not want to deal with this again, of course! Who would?

I'm sure it feels like a kick in the teeth. But DD is ill, not naughty or deliberately a PITA. Unfortunately relapse is common, and MH issues like this really are extremely difficult for the whole family.

Personally I wouldn't have put this post in AIBU because AIBU is kind of a flippant place for it. And many people with no experience or knowledge of what you are facing will be reading it and unfortunately gleaning misinformation about AN.

Anorexia makes the sufferer very violent This is an incorrect statement. Some patients may be violent but as DorcasthePuffin says, and ohtheholidays alludes to, not all anorexic patients are violent. In fact, I'm not sure it would be correct to say that even the majority are.

However if she is self-harming, you may find you can access care through CAMHS through that 'door'.

It's hard to know what will help, so although I've gone through some of the points here and addressed them, possibly that'll just come acros as unhelpful - apologies if that's the case. IME beyond practical help and advice, the most helpful thing can be the realisation that it isn't your fault, you are not alone, and you are not the only one in this boat.

Support in our area is virtually non existent. We did it before. All that got her better was eating. It sounds simple but it wasn't. It literally meant hours spent at the table watching every mouthful and then searching her afterwards. Oh and taking the bathroom door off

I'd say this is your real problem. Your battle begins again, and you may have to fight and fight for help - not just to get her to eat, but as you obviously know, she needs proper help to battle her underlying issues.

Have you looked at charities offering support and therapy? In some areas they are really helpful. Or school? For starters, you need to get back to the GP for a CAMHS referral and if treatment isn't forthcoming it's time to start writing strongly worded letters - unfortunately, frequently, he shouts who loudest gets their voice heard.

If it helps to have a positive side to look at, You know when people with DCs who have 'recovered' from EDs say things like 'she's a much better person for it' and 'we are all much better for it' and seem to see it as a blessing? They aren't being trite - it is really true. Hitting crisis point can mean that ultimately the person resolves things that would never have been addressed otherwise.

It changes a child. It makes them say the most hurtful things that have such an impact

This is true. And at the time (and potentially for a long time) it can feel like you've lost your DD. I'd really like to reassure you that with appropriate help, (again, potentially for a long time) it is often possible to get her back.

All I keep thinking is this will keep happening. I read the books, I know that relapse can keep happening. I won't be there to save her when she goes to uni.

would it help to know that all mums in your situation feel like this - feeling helpless is normal so you are normal...and that while it is true, universities have really good (obviously not infallible) support systems in place these days?

Morphene - that is kind of what I'm thinking. She's lost her "badge" and whilst she doesn't want to be ill, she wants the benefits of that.

normal again :-) but overcomable - I'd start trying to move her gradually towards thinking, rather than that she's just better and not 'special' any more, that she is an 'anorexic in recovery' which is incredibly special because it is terribly hard and you have to be brave and strong and work hard to be one of those! Anorexics in recovery deserve a really big badge of honour!

I'm sorry you are going through this again.

[BarbarianMum]

Eating disorders, including anorexia, have a very high rate of relapse and for many are life-long conditions. Precisely because of this I think it would be unwise to focus absolutely everything thing you have on battling for your dd - you need to keep something back for yourself and your younger dd. If that means your eldest has to go to a residential unit, or that you call the police if she is violent, or that you install a lock on your bedroom door so you can sleep in safety - those things are OK. It does not have to be "whatever is best for the sufferer" 100% of the time - you need time to recharge, your youngest needs for her life not to revolve totally and utterly aroung her sister. Because you may be dealing with this in some shape or form for years and years.

[fourkids]

also, because even if you get support, her recovery will be down to a team effort - CAMHS/therapist, you and DD, on a practical note, IME the following books are great:

Skills Based Learning for Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder (Janet Treasure, Grainne Smith and Anna Crane)

Anorexia Nervosa A recovery Guide for Sufferers, families and Friends (Janet Treasure and June Alexander)

Help Your Teenager Beat an eating Disorder (James Lock and Daniel le Grange)

Hope with Eating Disorders (Lynn Crilly)

Eating Disorders A Parents' Guide (Rachel Bryant-Waugh and Bran Lask)

and, if you can access it (on the NHS or privately) IMO family therapy is the absolute cornerstone of good practice.

[Bettyspants]

Strawberry I have no advice for you but I know I put my parents through absolute hell in my teens. I'm sure they thought the same as you -actually I know my mum did as she told me as an adult! Seeing someone you love with a mh problem that impacts on everyone's lives is incredibly difficult, heartbreaking and soul destroying. All I remember of those days are my parents being there for me, despite the abuse and threats, the insults I hurled at my siblings. you have to have some way of coping with this and keeping your other DD safe and happy is obviously a priority too, I really hope you get more support , to have DD at residential or something that enables you to cope....when I look back now I'm devestated by how my illness affected my family. I can't recall my parents being angry but I have memories of my mother sobbing . As a well adult what I remember most is reluctantly acknowledging my parents loved me, it's very difficult to put into words but yes you will need your battle gear on and try not to let her hurt you physically or emotionally. Really feel for you x

[ClaryIsTheBest]

You don't sound selfish


Of course you don't want to deal.

But I do think it has to be made clear in advance to DD2 and DD3 that no threats of violence or actual violence will be tolerated.

DD3 has to feel safe in her own home. I know how it is to not do so, although I was a teen so imo less vulnerable, (not because of an anorexic sister) and it leads to heaps of issues. I mean, this was abusive behaviour towards you and DD3.

And that is not intrinsic to anorexia, as far as I know.


Do you have a support network you could join?

Something for you and DD3 to help deal with this? Does DD3 have a therapist?

Are there grandparents (or anybody else) in the picture that could take DD3 in if it gets really bad?(sorry if that was already answered, I did read most of the thread but may have missed something).

[Bettyspants]

I absolutely agree with the above comments, it doesn't all need to be what's best for DD but what's best for you all. My actions have had a lifetime impact on my siblings which I have horrendous guilt for 25 years later.

[jaguar67]

YANBU YANBU YANBU !!!

You've saved her life once, you're recovering from that trauma and BAM, a relapse. No wonder you're thinking what you're thinking, you're human and good for you for venting rather than bottling it all up. Of course you'll come through for her again and use us here for a bloody good rant whenever you want.

Couple of thoughts - you talk about eating being the main treatment last time. And of course it's critical - but did she get the intensive CBT/ talking therapy needed? Without the challenge of an impartial, tough-loving professional, the anorexia will never meet it's match. I'm not talking gentle counselling here, I'm talking direct questioning of actions, giving choices life/death, tearing apart every lie the anorexia is feeding about body size & self-worth. A relentless programme, that only eases off once the professional can see that anorexia is now the enemy, not ally. They really do know what they're doing. If you're near London, Child & Family Practice are superb.

The violence towards others - I've heard of that too but I do think this escalates things to a different level for you. I would use this with your GP to demand a referral NOW, as above and whilst I take on board comments re inhouse treatment, in this case this might be the short-term solution.

Sending you the biggest virtual hug I can muster. Of course your DD1 hasn't chosen to be anorexic and I feel for her no end - however she IS the luckiest girl in the world though to have a mum like you. Keep going, you can do this xxx

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Maybe you just need to give yourself a day or two to be angry & upset ☕️

Morphene said what I was trying to. This, to me, seems like Munchausens & that the anorexia is the tool and not the actual problem.

I think it's ridiculous that a professional has said she should have the tools to deal with her life. She is 14. She is a child.

If I were you I'd take a couple of days to simply cry, shout, swear & rant. Then I'd look up any & every charity, online community & other support for myself & all 3 DD's. Not specifically anorexia, more munchausens & general teenage MH issues. Phone the schools, see the GP (a different one) & tell ex fuckwit he needs to contribute financially & any other way you think he can help. Call friends, call parents of the DD's friends & get DD2 involved in as many clubs & activities as possible.

It's totally unfair you are having to do all of this, but it would help me to get into 'kick arse action mode'.