to be pissed at my husband for not telling me when to stop shopping?

[Kathmandu12]

So my husband and I had an agreement three years ago that he will set aside £900 per month for savings immediately. And that he'd tell me if I'm going overboard with spending. Since I don't manage money well, he takes care of it.

Anyway admittedly sometimes I go overboard (although I return a lot of what I buy) but I keep asking him and he just says he has money.

So now I just found out all we have is $2500, which will go to card payment and my summer class tuition fee.

His salary is £49000 net. We rent, we don't have a car, we have no kids. He has no vices, although he did have a tooth implant and root canal procedure last year which cost a lot.

I don't work but I have an internship that pays a bit, which I put in a savings account - so essentially that's our only savings.

I am pissed because I wasn't expecting this. So if he gets sacked from his job for any reason we won't have money.

If you were a man, you would be (rightly) called a man child and people would be telling your partner to leave.

Is there such a thing as a woman child? 🤔

Are you still spending whilst you sell stuff on eBay? You really need to grow up, stop putting responsibility on to your DH.

And the irony of posters suggesting that OP BUY a book when she has spending problems - and she seems to have ordered it immediately. That gives an idea of how responsible she is.

she seems to have ordered it immediately.

I have ordered this two weeks ago.

You need to take responsibility how you manage money OP, only you can do this, your spending it, so you take note of your expenditure.

I'm failing to see how as a adult you cannot manage this.

Are you for effing REAL?

"Shopping makes you happy"? Good lord, what are you studying - I sincerely hope it's not a sensible profession where you'll actually have influence over people or have to contribute to society.

Get a productive, soul-enhancing hobby. Take up reading; take up painting; take up running - go to art galleries. Take up historical re-enactments.

Something. Anything that shopping. Feed your brain & your soul.

Shopping as a hobby or as a way to "make you happy" is so so depressing - it feeds a very unhealthy addiction. Do something productive with your mind, your body, your human talents.

Just grow up.

To me the op obviously has a spending addiction so I doubt solving the problem will be as simple as 'stop spending'. Would you tell an alcoholic to just stop drinking

Well, actually that's what (most) alcoholics have to do. Yes, with support, but an addiction is just that - you need to stop doing it, and work out why you are dependent on a set of behaviours which will eventually kill you.

A shopping addiction may not directly harm the OP's health, but it will lead her to severe distress & trouble eventually.

Kat: this is why your DH is being unreasonable in not allowing you to see the credit card and bank statements.

I think the dental treatment you talk if (implants are incredibly expensive) and a top range apple lap top could account for thousands.

You both need to know.

You / we know that you have a problem, but it may also be masking a problem of his.

You can (and hopefully will) sort out your spending habit, but You can't actually take a shared responsibility for your joint money unless you can see what is going on.

This has been an infuriating thread to read - are people purposefully ignoring what the OP is writing? Allow me to sum it up.

1. Her DH said she should save her internship money and they live off his salary (joint money like some married people do !). It's not a case of her choosing to spend his money.

1. He agreed to remind her when she went overboard and didn't (because shopping makes her happy). Op YANBU to be annoyed that he backtracked from his agreement , as caring as his rationale is.

1. OP has already said what she will do going towards. OP, I really think you should consider what PP have said - withdraw a certain amount in cash so you can see it as it leaves ($300 may be too little to start with considering you've been on $1k). Definitely ask to see the accounts so u can see where you are financially.

Whether or not you would make such an agreement , the Key point if that OPs husband did and backtracked. For that, OP is NBU.

Thisyearwillbebetter Did you feel good after writing your post? Also it was her husband who said OP was happy when shopping.

shopping is my happiness

Very sad.

Surprising number of people haven't heard of shopping addiction/compulsive spending on this thread. I thought it was up there with the most common addictions.

Op, you need a course of treatment (probably a talking therapy like cbt if they have such a thing in Aus) and crucially you must find something else to do instead of spending - a hobby or excercise or box sets on tv or writing a journal or something! How can you get access to addiction therapy in Aus? Is the first port of call your family doctor?

Leather jackets Plural?

I get annoyed with grown ups who say "I'm no good with money" or "I can't help being messy" but don't make any effort to change.
If you need to shop to be happy, you need to look at your life more closely

Have you viewed your bank statements yet,you need to see where everything is going as well as cutting back,seeing it in black and white will make it a bit more real.Then you need to continue to see the accounts each month.
Spend someoney on treatment for your addiction.
Start now.

for someone who admits themselves they havent a clue about basic spending and keeping a tally you were able to state his income, convert it, know the monthly bills cost etc. so you are not totally dense about the income/outgoings. just apply this interest and knowledge into your spending costs.

plus please stop saying "play money". sounds ridiculous and immature.
reminds me of Fifty shades of grey

I agree this is an infuriating thread, but for different reasons.

The DH may be controlling or may just find confrontation difficult. He may also be careless with money. We don't know.

Either way, in any grown up relationship where finances are shared, BOTH parties must be responsible and knowledgable about their finances.

This isn't just because some men are controlling bastards or because sometimes relationships fail.

The most loving responsible people die and become ill. If you share the benefits of money you also need to share the responsibility.

The poster needs to seek counselling for whatever misery is being covered up by her shopping addiction, I don't have this addictive behaviour but I do have another addictive behaviour which I have had assistance with via counselling. Any kind of addictive behaviour is usually covering something up from the past.

I have seen threads before where due to the spending habits of one of the couple it's suggested that they have no access to money at all, no cards etc due to addictive spending patterns until treated.

This is one of those threads where the op is not really going to get much constructive advice. What it will probably do is push her in to feeling rubbish about herself and trigger a spending spree.

Op seek counselling that will be money well spent in your relationship and please communicate this to your husband as well.

FFS stop explaining that you're in Australia, it doesn't matter whether you're depending dollars, pounds or yen you're still spending money that you're not earning. Why is it your husband's fault when you overspend? Why has he got to change what he does to accommodate you, and why should he have to go without? You need to step up, grow up and stop spending money. Why do you return much of what you buy? Don't buy self help books either, borrow them from a library. You need to stop acting like a spoilt princess & your DH needs to grow a pair. Here, shove this in your whiny gob

This is one of those threads where the op is not really going to get much constructive advice

It's been suggested that she does exactly what you've done - get support for trying to understand what her compulsion covers up or appears to compensate for. Most of us have deficits or issues in our lives and do things to compensate - the OP has had advice about productive ways to compensate: seek help, take up a hobby, something productive.

It makes me so sad to see someone obviously bright enough for university who wastes their brain & soul/imagination (whatever) in such a dulling and unproductive set of behaviours.

The world is an intriguing fascinating place. Shopping might be part of the pleasure we can take in the world, but it shouldn't be the only or all-consuming thing.

Rather than selling things secondhand at a loss and carrying on shopping, do as others have suggested and have a year off from buying clothes. Or alternate months off. You'll survive, honestly.

Rather than selling things secondhand at a loss and carrying on shopping, do as others have suggested and have a year off from buying clothes.

I agree, selling the old clothes on eBay is just allowing you to continue with your own problematic shopping habit. It doesn't address the root cause and will just give you more money to run through.

Judgey posts aren't helpful for the OP. If you need help budgeting let me know. It's like a hobby for me lol
I get how you can overspend if you don't actually know what's there to be spent. You need to have access to see what funds are available though, otherwise it's going to be hard to be realistic with your budget
(Haven't rtft, sorry if repeating)

I think you should sit down with your husband and have a proper discussion about living expenses using a resource like this one: www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php
From what you have written it seems like you might not have a realistic/accurate idea of his income and your outgoings.

Well I need to get rid of the stuff I bought right? This was a suggestion here that I am following

I read a book on clearing out stuff and got so depressed at ebaying as it took so long, took petrol to take parcels to post office that I just cleared out and took it to Oxfam. Some to one further away as I was a bit embarrassed at the good quality of some things I was chucking out.

Perhaps do this, clear out over, say 2 days, then breeaaaaaatthhhhe. I was finding clearing out quite stressful. So now I don't buy much.

Hi op,

l am truly shocked that you and your DH ( who sounds very generous and forgiving of your habits) do not own anything and have no financial cushion.

Seriously does this not worry you? I mean seriously worry you....why have you not bought a house... you say above you have wasted 3K a month on nothing important for 2-3 YEARS!! Thats around100k!!!! a decent deposit on a house....l am speechless.

Your DH could get a serious illness and not be able to work/ be made redundant/have MH problems and not be able to work/his company could fold, he may not get another job paying anything like the amount he is now.........do these things never enter your head?

I hope these things never happen, but surely you want to one day own your home and not have to pay ever increasing rent......how will you retire?

Also do you not feel guilty spending these vast sums on unnecessary stuff yet not earning anything? You have the priviledge of studying entirely because your DH is a high earner, yet you are angry with him?

Without him paying the bills l am assuming you couldn't afford to live and study. Yet you talk unconcernedly about your spending habit....you really are a selfish person and very lucky to have such a generous DH.

Take a good hard look at youself.