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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed at my husband for not telling me when to stop shopping?

401 replies

Kathmandu12 · 19/01/2017 06:12

So my husband and I had an agreement three years ago that he will set aside £900 per month for savings immediately. And that he'd tell me if I'm going overboard with spending. Since I don't manage money well, he takes care of it.

Anyway admittedly sometimes I go overboard (although I return a lot of what I buy) but I keep asking him and he just says he has money.

So now I just found out all we have is $2500, which will go to card payment and my summer class tuition fee.

His salary is £49000 net. We rent, we don't have a car, we have no kids. He has no vices, although he did have a tooth implant and root canal procedure last year which cost a lot.

I don't work but I have an internship that pays a bit, which I put in a savings account - so essentially that's our only savings.

I am pissed because I wasn't expecting this. So if he gets sacked from his job for any reason we won't have money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kathmandu12 · 19/01/2017 07:54

GeorgeTheHamster & Pluto30

Yes, that's what I will do from now on.

OP posts:
CommonFramework · 19/01/2017 07:54

You need to take responsibility for your own spending! It's not up to your husband to 'tell you' whne you can and can't spend.

You don't sound like much of a partner.

Original poster
Kathmandu12 · 19/01/2017 07:55

Allfednonedead

To be honest, he's very simple. He bought a laptop, had root canals, had a tooth implant, paid for some trainings and ebooks, but that's about it.

I'm the one who buys his clothes, shoes, etc (I mean using his money) otherwise he won't think of buying them.

OP posts:
diddl · 19/01/2017 07:56

It does seem odd that husband just pays off a credit card for Op.

Has he never given you a figure to not go over, or suggested that you just spend your own money?

Original poster
Kathmandu12 · 19/01/2017 07:56

Has he never given you a figure to not go over, or suggested that you just spend your own money?

No. I told him to tell me this, but no.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 19/01/2017 07:57

I agree with Blu - if I had delegated full responsibility for savings to DH for whatever reason (with his blessing) then found out he hadn't followed the procedure we'd agreed on, I'd be mightily hacked off.

I think you know your situation has to change, op. Good luck.

KinkyAfro · 19/01/2017 07:58

You sound like a selfish child, grow up and start taking some responsibility for your actions.

PurpleDaisies · 19/01/2017 07:58

I agree alfred, I can't really believe what I'm reading here.

The op and the dh had an (unwise in my view) agreement that HE would put the money into savings and tell her if she was overspending. For whatever reason he hadn't done this and she has no idea how much money they have because she doesn't have access to his account balances.

His behaviour towards her is infantilising at best, financially controlling at worst. I don't understand how this is all her fault for overspending when there was no warning at all from the dh.

FaithAgain · 19/01/2017 07:59

OP I think you'd be best off changing your way of dealing with money. I am a spender (not in debt but have been). DH and I have a joint account for bills which are all D/D. We have a joint account for food/general expenses, saving accounts and then our 'play money' account. For us, our reasonable budget for 'play' is £200 a month. That covers stuff like me getting my hair done, clothes etc and his for play station games, motorbike stuff. We use this money if we go out in town, on hen dos or stag dos. DH saves his. I spend all of mine! But I stay in budget! What I would say is I don't have much of an overdraft in that account - when it's gone, it's gone. You need something like that or physical cash to limit your spending. You can't keep charging to a credit card, it mantains this denial state!

I don't think YABU saying you want to know what's happening with the money but I'm not sure access to actually spend that money is wise!

Blu · 19/01/2017 08:01

I would want to know where the agreed £900 savings has gone.

Yes, you should have access to SEE the accounts, and know where all the money is going.

Part of the problem is that you never see the bills or the accounts: you flex your credit card and then it magically gets paid behind the scenes.

Sit down together, look at the last 6 months spends and savings. If you agree on a savings figure get it paid into an account that can't be withdrawn from each month.

Find a way, like a pre-paid cash card, that stops you over spending.

Ask each other what you get from all this: you from pointless buying and returning, him from 'making you happy' aka enabling your spending , whilst hiding the family finances from you. (Control).

Unlock this unhealthy dynamic!

MLGs · 19/01/2017 08:01

You are being very unreasonable.

You are an adult you can't expect him to regulate your spending, or spend freely and then blame him!

KingLooieCatz · 19/01/2017 08:02

You said that if you see something you like you buy. If you know you're at risk of doing that and that it will basically be a waste of money you would rather be saving - why not avoid temptation by not going to the shops or looking at shopping websites?

It sounds like you're bored and have too much time on your hands, so the studying can't be so intense and pressured that it is something "to get through". Sounds like you have time for a part time job, voluntary work or failing that a new hobby. Get a jigsaw from a charity shop and chill out for a few hours instead of shopping.

Str4ngedaysindeed · 19/01/2017 08:03

I am utterly hopeless with money and got us into a terrible mess a few years ago. I finally admitted to dh who hit the roof (understandably) and we now are paying everything back. Although I am the highest earner, everything goes into his account and I have £300 a month to spend for myself. He deals with everything else but we do sit down and discuss what is going where. I know how much the bills, mortgage, food etc costs and I know that if my £300 and some extra I earn from part time writing runs out that is it. It's the only way to learn. No cards no credit, just taking responsibility. Your husband needs to give you an amount and then say no more. Painful but simple

accendo · 19/01/2017 08:03

To me the op obviously has a spending addiction so I doubt solving the problem will be as simple as 'stop spending'. Would you tell an alcoholic to just stop dinking! Maybe look around for some support face to face or online. I would be getting all bank and cc statements, sittting down with your husband, figure out where all of the money is going and work out a budget.

strawberrypenguin · 19/01/2017 08:05

Blimey. Take some responsibility for yourself! For a start the yearly/monthly salary you say he earns doesn't add up however you look at it.
You need to stop buying stuff. I suspect you don't return as much as you think you do. I'm also guessing you buy a lot of stuff like takeaway coffees and lunches out which will rack up as well.
Get a grip you are an adult. There are so many budgeting apps - use one

Katy07 · 19/01/2017 08:06

OP needs to stop using OH's salary for her spending & put a proportion of her own money into savings & the rest into an account for her spending. Once she's spent it then that's it. Use a debit card not a credit card so you can't go overboard. Since she's proved she's got some control over her spending as she never spends her own money usually this should be easy.
OH needs to put the agreed amount into joint savings & have statements for that account available to and checked by both each month. That way you both know that there is a pot that belongs to both of you if it all goes belly up. If he doesn't put the money in then OP knows there's an issue.
Both parties need to be behave like mature sensible adults in an equal relationship.

RayofFuckingSunshine · 19/01/2017 08:07

YABU. You are an adult, you shouldn't need to be told when you've gone over your budget. If DH expected me to mollycoddle him like that there would be serious fucking issues.

Quite frankly, you appear to be want to be treated like a child in regards to money. You don't want the responsibility of being expected to actually make financial decisions and as such are trying to pass the buck. Disgusting behaviour for a supposed adult.

KayTee87 · 19/01/2017 08:09

Ok I think you probably realise by now you're being unreasonable to blame your husband.

I think you need to cut up the credit card and have an agreed amount of money transferred to you each month for spending money, once you're able to budget with that properly (without spending it all in the first couple of weeks), then ask for more equal access to the whole amount of money as it's not an equal partnership being given spends but obviously until you prove you can budget properly you can't have access to everything, I think you should maybe speak to a therapist about why you feel the need to compulsion buy - often it's a sign of something else going on.

Bantanddec · 19/01/2017 08:11

This must be a joke, nobody's this ridiculous.

MistressMaisie · 19/01/2017 08:11

If you had to sell everything on eBay

Yeah that's what I'm doing now actually. I'm listing them on eBay.

OMG I take my hat off to you - I find ebaying teh most tedious and soul destroying (cos you never make what you think its worth) past time on the planet.
OP you could be dedicating that time to something worthwhile.

Take guitar lessons, learn to crochet, learn Italian ............. think how satisfying it will be when you mention to someone 'Oh, I play and sing folks songs', or 'Oh, I crochet cushion covers for charity' or 'I can speak Italian quite well' - instead of just shopping and ebaying.

Deathraystare · 19/01/2017 08:11

Christ! I am shit with money myself but am on my own so only have myself to blame but even if I was part of a couple it really is up to me to sort myself out (and I inted to this year!!!!).

You really should not rely on other people to do it for you!

Original poster
Kathmandu12 · 19/01/2017 08:12

OP you could be dedicating that time to something worthwhile.

Well I need to get rid of the stuff I bought right? This was a suggestion here that I am following.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kathmandu12 · 19/01/2017 08:14

I know I was unreasonable but I still could not believe I spent around $3k a month on shopping for the last 2-3 years. I don't buy large purchases. $3k a year does not add up.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 19/01/2017 08:15

The savings, the budgeting, the "not being good with money" are all to a certain extent, red herrings.

You need to sort out your shopping addiction.

KateDaniels2 · 19/01/2017 08:16

The op could just use her own money for shopping. She doesnt need to use a credit card.

She could maie the decision that only her money goes on frivilous stuff. Thens thats it.

She could choose to pay the tution and/or card bill out of her own savings.

There is a lot the OP could choose to do.