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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Inertia · 17/01/2017 22:01

I'd find it very difficult to spend any time at all with her after that.

Your H is probably finding it difficult to process just how messed up his mother is.

Buxtonstill · 17/01/2017 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SeaEagleFeather · 17/01/2017 22:04

You might want to read the full thread, buxton

this bitch faked a heart attack knowing the OP's father died in front of her from a heart attack

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2017 22:05

I'm sure buxton has read the thread, dramatic update and all.

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2017 22:06

Posted too soon. I don't think the weight issue is relevant-it's the behaviour and lack of boundaries that's the clear issue here.

GeekyWombat · 17/01/2017 22:10

After the fake heart attack you're well within your rights to be done I think OP. Hope you and DH are ok.

Baylisiana · 17/01/2017 22:14

I think at this point I would just move. Quite far away. Would your DH be able to relocate work wise?

EweAreHere · 17/01/2017 22:21

Wow.

What nerve she has, calling you a bitch to your DH and then faking a heart attack when she wasn't getting her way, KNOWING your own father died of a heart attack.

Wow.

Seriously, I would be done with her. She would no longer be welcome in my home, ever, especially if her son wasn't around to deal with her.

I would say as much to your husband. You will not be alone with her. You will not be her chauffeur or babysitter or company when she wants some. You have a life, and a job, and a right to be treated with respect.

MonanaGeller · 17/01/2017 22:22

I'm sure buxton has read the thread, dramatic update and all

Things certainly escalated quickly.

Was there a reason why you and your DH decided to confront her tonight, OP? It seems unusual to have this conversation with FIL out of the way. If I needed to confront someone about their lying, manipulation, and unreasonable behaviour I'd definitely aim to choose a time when there would be other witnesses to the outrageous behaviour.

Does FIL see a lot of what she does, or does it always happen in his absence? Presumably he's been told about it, by you or DH. What's his take on things?

Formerpigwrestler9 · 17/01/2017 22:26

She's nuts and embarrassing

MonanaGeller · 17/01/2017 22:32

She's nuts and embarrassing

It's definitely one of the craziest things I've ever heard: letting herself in and going through their things, stealing food, calling the OP 'fat' and 'bitch', demanding a personal taxi service whenever she fancies it, faking a heart attack. And somehow she keeps getting away with it.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 17/01/2017 22:46

I think the reference about being obese is that most of the Mil's problems seem to revolve around her weight and the Op is getting the brunt of this.

You are perfectly justified in cutting her off after that little performance. Your dh is obviously able to pop round and see her once or twice a week but after tonight she can't fail to see that she has burned her bridges with you. Don't be afraid to be honest if it comes to it and say you're fed up with her behaviour and you don't want to see her for a while.

If she's got enough brass neck that she tries to disturb you again after tonight you can feel perfectly justified in telling her.

ollieplimsoles · 17/01/2017 22:50

Baylisiana

Do you realise how ridiculous that sounded?
I cringe at words like 'fattist' and 'fatism'... Just stop! They aren't words! The woman is unhinged and fucking greedy!

As for the op- this thread is mental but I can totally believe it. My mil faked an overdose on my birthday and dh had to take her to a&e because fil refused, we still speak to her... Just.

Chanandler · 17/01/2017 22:51

Thank goodness you managed to get the key back.

She has made her feelings towards you quite clear - remember that when she turns up on the doorstep tomorrow. DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR even if she has another fake heart attack on the doorstep.

The doorstep is the new naughty step - if you back down ONCE you undo everything. Headphones on, let her have her tantrum without an audience.

Good luck!

SeaEagleFeather · 17/01/2017 22:51

Sounds to me like the woman's using her obesity as an excuse to dominate her son and the OP's life. If it wasn't that, it'd be something else. The obesity is a red herring.

Her engulfing self-centredness, drama and malice is.

girlelephant · 17/01/2017 22:57

OP faking a heart attack is sick!

You definitely need your DH on side with this one. Can I also suggest he speaks privately to FIL about what actually happened as no doubt he will have heard a very different version!

I agree if she calls round you just keep her on the doorstep as you're working and don't have time for visitors.

Baylisiana · 17/01/2017 23:03

ollie

Well, I do apologise for using fatist and fatism which did give me pause as I typed but I couldn't come up with an alternative at the time.

I am not so sure that the rest was ridiculous, firstly I seriously doubt a morbidly obese person is 'just fucking greedy' but in any case I thought I was clear that I was not in any way excusing her behaviour. I was saying that no matter how she or anyone behaved, criticise them for what they are doing wrong. Don't just casually throw descriptors like fat, gay, ginger, old, white etc into the sentence as if they are part of the fault.

Fluffyears · 17/01/2017 23:51

Do not relent and give that key back and make sure DH doesn't either. If she asks for it say she doesn't need it and keep saying no. Don't come up with flimsy excuses as she'll try to get around them.

haveacupoftea · 17/01/2017 23:54

Ermm...YANBU

CalmItKermitt · 18/01/2017 00:11

😮😮😮

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 18/01/2017 03:20

Please don't actually call the police because your MIL is being difficult. They have actual crimes to deal with

Which is why you ring 101 and ask to be put through to your community Pcso team.
Their job is to keep peace in the community and deal with things like this

Giraffeseyelashes · 18/01/2017 03:56

Oh wow, OP, I feel for you, I really do. What a nightmare of a woman.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/01/2017 04:51

I'm horrified by the heart attack. What a vile thing to do to you. My father died when I had just turned 16 It was in hospital and I was there. Different I know as I got to say goodbye but not long as diagnosis to death was 3.5 weeks. So I kind of get how you must be feeling.

I don't know if I could continue any kind of relationship with a person, who acted like this. I do feel sorry for her. She must be very unhappy. However, this is not your problem. Good luck

violetbunny · 18/01/2017 05:35

OP, I think you really ought to read this book. It's called Toxic Inlaws. I think you'll recognise some of you MILs behaviour:

www.amazon.com/Toxic-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/0060507853

ememem84 · 18/01/2017 06:48

I didn't mean to actually call the police obviously they have much better things to be doing. Before the heart attack fakery I was going to suggest just telling mil that you were being harassed and that you'd Called the police.

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