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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:
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Original poster
YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 21:12

DH still in the shower Sad
He's an only child, yes. I've had a missed call off MIL but I'm ignoring it as right now I don't have anything nice to say and I get the impression DH doesn't want to speak to anyone.
Part of me feels really sorry for her for having to pull these stunts but most of me is angry.
She has a lot of friends and a very active social life so I can't believe it comes from loneliness

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 17/01/2017 21:13

Put a bolt on the door & a little doggy bag of chocolate on the doorstep?.

elfycat · 17/01/2017 21:14

PurpleDaisies Panic attacks aren't normally instantly resolvable with the offer of a cup of tea

I would never get over the 'bitch wife' comment and would use it...
'Well you won't be wanting to spend time with a bitch now would you?'

Move... no really... there are lovely properties around.

CheckpointCharlie2 · 17/01/2017 21:17

Wow that's bonkers 😮

VivDeering · 17/01/2017 21:17

Well done OP (and OP's partner). That's the hard bit done.

What can you and your husband do tonight to make it a bit nicer?

Sara107 · 17/01/2017 21:19

Yellowblinds, she sounds very odd. Presumably you wouldn't have agreed to move closer to her if you had known how things would be. Which makes me wonder if she is getting worse - is it possible she is starting to suffer from dementia? My Mum did, and with hindsight you could see increasing oddness in her behaviour for years before the classic dementia symptoms of forgetting things / names.
Things like your mil referring to herself as your mother for example, is she starting to get confused?

Mix56 · 17/01/2017 21:19

I would tell her, that "crying wolf" (fake heart attack) will be the end of her.
Tell her once again, she gets a grip or you are moving to get away from her nonsense...

DartmoorDoughnut · 17/01/2017 21:20

Wow she's a piece of work! Boundaries OP, keep em high!

CotswoldStrife · 17/01/2017 21:23

I really wouldn't speak to her again with the FIL being present.

I would also consider at least attempting to speak or get a note to her GP - especially if it is a small village practice and they know her - to say that you have concerns about her mental health.

Does FIL recognise that she has an issue?

YorkshireTree · 17/01/2017 21:26

Classic narcissism to fake illness when challenged. Ignore her totally.

Something you could do is play her at her own game. Next time she comes over be really vicious to her then nice when DH is around. Aversion therapy to being alone with you. Appreciate it's difficult though and may backfire.

MerylPeril · 17/01/2017 21:34

Fuck me!

MN never fails to surprise

There is another thread on here about keeping toddlers out of parents beds and keeping the door locked so they learn/break the habit.
There is much to be leaned

Take the key off her and DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR (or go somewhere else for a bit).... break the habit.

Although she sounds bloody bonkers so might be wasting your time Confused

ememem84 · 17/01/2017 21:34

Oh my goodness!

I was going to suggest next time she knocks on the door call the police or at least threaten to (shout through the door your going to). Then next time you see her mention you're being harassed have spoken to police and are moving.

SmokingGun · 17/01/2017 21:34

I hope your DH is ok OP, regardless of how much of a drama queen MIL is im sure it gave him quite the shock. Maybe suggest you have some breathing space for a while and let her seethe Cake

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2017 21:37

I was going to suggest next time she knocks on the door call the police or at least threaten to (shout through the door your going to).

Please don't actually call the police because your MIL is being difficult. They have actual crimes to deal with. Confused

Italiangreyhound · 17/01/2017 21:39

Yellow I have not read everyone's posts but have read all of your posts.

I am so sorry about your dad. mine died of a heart attack when I was 39 and I was not in the room so I cannot imagine how you must feel.

My only comments are:

Bloody well done on getting the key and remaining calm!

If I were in your shoes I would not over analyse it all. I would support your dh, he must feel a combination of shock, guilt, fear, worry and embarrassment with a huge side order of anger.

Just stick to your guns. No daytime interruptions. Invitation only to your home but I would suggest you and dh visit her sometimes, short and sweet for a cup of tea. Take healthy snacks or whatever and just encourage her to enjoy the time with you/dh on your terms. Although her home is her home turf it is so much easier to leave when you want to.

You do not mention children, if you have any or are planning any you will find keeping her at arms length now pays dividends when there are/if there are others to consider.

I am overweight, no one else can lose the weight but me. She must work this out for herself. EVEN if it were due to a medical condition you would not be expected (by any same person) to be her chauffeur just because you work from home!

Don't engage in long emails/texts/calls whatever about who is right or not. You are right. Your dh is right. You do not need to justify yourself to her.

But IMHO do be gentle too, your dh will probably be looking to see how this will pan out and seeing your compassion and your steely will together will probably help him, if you are all one or other he will fill that void, maybe, so be compassion with a steely will and hopefully he will join you.

Baylisiana · 17/01/2017 21:39

There is so much casual fatism on this thread, when she 'comes a-waddling over' and keep 'her trotters out'. Also leaving out a box of food labeled 'binge eating MIL'....nice way to react to an eating disorder Hmm

I am not saying people shouldn't be having a go at her, but using anti fat language when you are criticising a fat person about something else is really poor.

Gooseberryfools · 17/01/2017 21:41

That was really unkind of her to fake a heart attack knowing exactly how your dad passed.

C8H10N4O2 · 17/01/2017 21:42

You are going to have to stand your ground however difficult or it will get worse.

Change the locks again, don't give her a key and prepare for a miserable few weeks (think of it as 'controlled crying' Confused)

Would it work if your client/company/whatever had complained about her lack of focus due MiL visits a trips to wherever and as a result they required you to be in office location which of course means you can't do any ferrying around whereas if able to work from home you can help with prearranged trips to the doctor etc up to X times per month?

pipsqueak25 · 17/01/2017 21:42

i guessed dh was an only child she has clearly never gotten over not being the #1 woman in his life and there is possibly a deep down rivalry against you hence she bitches about your weight as she tries to make herself feel better and that she is 'better than you'.
she will probably pull more stunts like this to keep ' her boy' [he will always be that in her eyes] on her side. he realises what she is like but is torn as a result.
it is dramatic but you really do need to consider the fact you may need to move in the future if things don't improve.

Blatherskite · 17/01/2017 21:45

Wow! She sounds unhinged!

Gooseberryfools · 17/01/2017 21:47

After being called bitch wife, giving you the evils and faking a heart attack, you are completely entitled to create a large amount of space between you. So use her poor behaviour as a reason to cut back contact severely.

BeyondTheStarryNight · 17/01/2017 21:52

One thing I would be wary of. DH may not react as well as you are used to, to the accusation that his mother was faking. I'd possibly frame it as "I'm sure I saw her look, but surely not. We should definitely speak to a doctor" (sneaky benefit of this being that it will be evident in bloods whether she has had an MI.....)

Astro55 · 17/01/2017 21:54

Sorry - but you aren't asking her to stay away from DH - what you're asking is that she leaves YOU alone to work - she can see DH when he's home from work!

4 doors! What were you thinking?

BeyondTheStarryNight · 17/01/2017 21:57

Sorry, my internet went wonky then and I've somehow posted half a post! Confused side note, I think it might be mn? It's been funny since the porn redirects earlier?

If you flat out accuse (right as you may we'll be!) and he goes in guns blazing, it will be turned around that you are making it up to make him turn against her

I'm sorry about your dad Flowers

SeaEagleFeather · 17/01/2017 21:59

dear fucking god, she faked a heart attack knowing your father died in front of you of a heart attack?

I'm sorry but you are justified to never speak to her again. Ever.

That is unfuckingforgivable. To Hell with her.

what a putrid mess of a human being she is.