MIL and being obese

[YellowBlinds]

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

Sorry, we ended up going to sleep early.
Still haven't really talked about it, DH apoligued and is clearly mortified but where I like to talk everything through and lay everything out, he processes things much more internally. He's away for work tonight so hopefully he'll be a bit happier to talk tomorrow.

Five missed calls in total from MIL last night, I don't know if she called DHs phone.

FIL is very reserved, not really around a lot and (I think) quite frightened of MIL so I'm not sure he'd be much help.

Thank you to everyone for your replies - I missed what Buxton said?

Oh dear, I'd guess that if she knows your DH is away tonight there'll certainly be more drama on the cards.

Wow. I've rtft

Why on earth did you move 4doors away?

You need to go over and chat again with mil but with fil there as well

Mention you are working at home and can't keep having interruptions -say your vids has given you a warning for slacking if need be

Glad you got your key back

Do not give her another one ever

Do not open the door while working ever

Boss not vids 😳

And fil sounds like he escapes from mil. Not about much. I wonder why .....

Dh needs to also make clear to mil that calling you names isn't on

Keep the chain on your door - just in case she has had a spare cut

in some ways her calling you a bitch has done you a favour. you have no need to be nice to her.

I would guess they moved four doors down as it's a hamlet and there aren't many places nearby. Anyway, perhaps the road is only four houses and they are as far away as possible

MILzilla.

She's definitely not going to quietly change her ways. I fear there's much more to come. Poor OP

I think you are going to have to seriously consider moving away again.

I agree you ought to read th book linked to about toxic inlaws.

(In fact, I might buy it myself and send it to my cousin's husband. My aunt is scarily similar).

YANBU

Why did you move 4doors away?

We had very limited choices anyway, and FIL's health isn't brilliant (ironically a family history of heart troubles) so we wanted to be close to him to help out when needed plus DH has an attachment to the place.

MIL was completely normal until we moved!

DH has left for work. MIL has tried calling again this morning and I know I should answer but I just don't have the energy tbh.

Don't answer, you don't need to.

Dont answer. And dont let her in
But be prepared for more "emergencies" while she flails around.
You need to talk to DH before her.

I very seriously think you ought not to answer unless you have your DH or another witness there with you.

She is clearly not beyond lying to get her way.

I have experience with a narc former friend and she would lie about what had happened between us, including saying I had physically attacked her once when we met for coffee. I regret immensely not taking other people with me when I met up with her to try and sort things out.

Don't answer!!

Why isn't she calling her son?

Stupid woman, she'll drive you both away. When it comes to choosing your DH will choose you. I have seen it in my family, my mum made my brother choose and he chose his wife. Cue 3 years of nocontact and my parents were devastated. But they brought it on themselves!

I'm angry for you.

you should definitely NOT answer the phone!! Don't feed her drama and don't teach her that calling multiple times gets her attention! Besides, you are at work now, as you told her, so you don't respond to any contact from her at all, all day.

Stay strong!

She sounds batshit.

I would answer the phone (otherwise she will come and let herself into your home) and tell her firmly that you are very busy with work at the moment and won't be available to see her for the next week days, tell her you will ring her over the weekend.

Well done for talking to her.
Be prepared if you do answer the phone it is for more "health" emergencies.
Don't let her in today, keep the chain on and wait to speak to your DP to see how he wants to proceed and follow his lead. It is great that he can see what she is like and will be hard for him to process. If you talk to her again make sure FIL is there.

Also be prepared for her friends to call saying she is ill/upset you need to see her you evil evil DIL, ha!

I agree with answering and saying you're not available to talk now and you'll call her when it's convenient for you. Then get dh to call her/see her and back you up. She won't listen to anything coming from you-it's got to be her son, not the "bitch" he married.

You need to keep strong today. Don’t answer any calls from her and if she coms to the house don’t answer it (i assume you can see if it is her at the door?). Make sure she understands that this is how it is going to be. Tbh after calling you a bitch last night it doesn't sound like she wants to be your friend anymore so you might have got it sorted at last.

I've sent her a text:
"Hi MIL, DH has gone out for work now and I have conference calls all day so can't take your call. DH will call you later this week. Have a nice day. Yellow"