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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:

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EssentialHummus · 19/01/2017 19:38

Well done OP. From my own (narcissistic, imo) mother, I expect the next thing to be for her to tell your DH that you called her a bitch, kicked her foot out the door etc.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Glad your DH is back tonight.

EweAreHere · 19/01/2017 19:39

Flabbergasted. She is going farther and farther off the deep end. I don't think she has dementia; she sounds like knows exactly what she's doing, and FIL appears to have confirmed that.

Astounding that FIL asked you if your discussion could wait until after he was done at work. I hope he truly, truly understood what it's like for you, since his disruption was minimal in comparison to what you've been putting up with on a daily basis!

YOu have to move. I hope your DH sees that.

Jasperthedog · 19/01/2017 19:40

How strong of you OP. Good work.

sum1killthepawpatrollers · 19/01/2017 19:41

jesus, she takes batshit crazy to a whole new level!!

hmm, the 2 different stories of eating dinner, i wonder if they are both correct tbh. may help explain the obesity(other than just stealing your food too i mean)

BeyondCanSeeTheEmperorsBellend · 19/01/2017 19:44

Well done op!! Hope the debrief with DH goes well this evening

ohtheholidays · 19/01/2017 19:44

Yellow I'd honestly not open the door to her again,I'd wait for your DH to come home and tell him about everything that's happened.

Your MIL doesn't sound safe for you to be around.

picklemepopcorn · 19/01/2017 19:45

Ok, so it sounds as though FIL has normalised it after years. Similar has happened in my family, though not as extreme. One person must not be upset, they must be indulged and pandered to. When they have a tantrum it is the fault of the person who has upset them. Closest family barely even notice, just work around it. When it happens in front of others, they are always really shocked and we are surprised by their discomfort.

LonelyImSoLonely · 19/01/2017 19:47

Well done, I expect you'll have a late night talking when your DP gets home.
Agree with PP that getting security cameras this weekend, one outside one inside, (so she can't remove the inside one) so when she denies it you can sit and watch the videos with her and FIL.

With what he has said does sound like a personality disorder, very difficult to deal with and he's just given up. I'm guessing the MIL was saying about how frail FIL was to get you to move nearby.

You know you have to move now don't you, and if the time comes that she needs care because her weight/behaviour warrants it, then you stay where you are and they get carers/ residential care.

Please move.

Figgygal · 19/01/2017 19:50

Bravo you Op that was an amazing effort today with her.

I expect that won't be the end of it how will you be able to maintain any sort of relationship after that

Doublemint · 19/01/2017 19:52

Well done you for staying so calm when she was goading you and being so nasty! I'm shocked at FILs response although it makes sense if he's had to live with her for so long, he's probably a bit of a worn down man.

I hope you and DH have a drama free evening although I doubt it. And as things are now, if you're no longer doubting her MH- I'd be thinking either NC or moving.

RubyGoat · 19/01/2017 19:53

Well done (from another delurker). Your MIL makes mine look pretty normal, I really never thought I'd say that. DH & I have had more than our fair share of the PILs (both of them, sadly) banging on the back door until the neighbours came out to stare, numerous phone calls to our mobiles & the house phone, barging in (they broke the buggy in the process on one occasion as it was against the door; they forced it aside), & actual tantrums when we stood up to them & said it wasn't convenient. So I really feel for you. Hope you manage to get something sorted out, ASAP, it can be so utterly draining dealing with this sort of thing.

Astro55 · 19/01/2017 20:01

I think she'll be round the minute DH appears -

Pominoz1 · 19/01/2017 20:02

Move house ?? far away :)

Arkengarthdale · 19/01/2017 20:06

No need to pretend the whole of Mumsnet is behind you - we are!

Well done op and good luck for later.

Doublemint · 19/01/2017 20:06

I agree with astro55 be prepared to smuggle DH in double quick!

girlelephant · 19/01/2017 20:08

OP well done! Both with FIL and with MIL - calm and to the point with both.

Glad your DH is home tonight and hope you both can do something lovely this weekend together after all the drama.

It sounds like FIL is burying his head in the sand and trying not to get involved, what an eejit! He needs to step up.

MNs continue to be behind you

CotswoldStrife · 19/01/2017 20:12

Yeah, I would have put money on the FIL not being willing to do anything. He's going to have to step up whether he likes it or not, as he's going to be at home with her all day in a few short years!

This is awful for you - but it is also grim for your DH. No one wants to see their parent exhibit this kind of behaviour.

Unfortunately, I do think moving is the only way to solve this.

CharlieDimmocksbosoms · 19/01/2017 20:16

As someone who suffers with bad painful ankles there's no way I could be quick and nimble enough to get my foot in the way of a closing door. So wondering if the ailments are another cry for attention.

Bravo 👏 OP.

DartmoorDoughnut · 19/01/2017 20:16

OP I know this sounds barking but I'm so proud of you! You did amazingly

Soubriquet · 19/01/2017 20:19

Course she will be round as soon as dh is home

Crying and wailing about how neglected she's been and that her DIL is refusing to help her even though she's got such bad knees expecting him to be on her side

ememem84 · 19/01/2017 20:20

Good work op.

YouOKHun · 19/01/2017 20:20

When I mentioned Borderline/Histrionic Personality Disorder before I was being sort of lighthearted but the more you add OP the more I think this is relevant (obviously haven't met her). I think she could do with an MH assessment and some outside neutral support and something like Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (not easy to get on the NHS but not impossible), though obviously all this is not your responsibility. You can set boundaries and you should, but I think she needs some help to manage her own otherwise you'll all be battling for ages.

Lovepancakes · 19/01/2017 20:21

Op I am surprised you mentioned Mumsnet people being behind you as given her focus on you won't she go straight to find this thread? I know she has shown incredibly difficult behaviour but I still think the best way to deal with this is through kindness amd trying to encourage a neutral friend to talk to her gently / firmly as registers best.
I always tell our DC that when anyone is horrible deep down they are probably unhappy themselves and it helps me cope with most things but in your case it's harder than most as you can't create distance from it.
I do hope it gets better and that your MIL can learn respect for boundaries before breaks the family down

Fudgebandit · 19/01/2017 20:22

Oh my good fuck, you need to move house

Lovepancakes · 19/01/2017 20:22

Not that she's been horrible (though calling you a bitch I'm afraid is in that category) but she just sounds unbalanced and in need of support from elsewhere

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