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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:
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Original poster
YellowBlinds · 19/01/2017 19:16

And sorry for not coming back to update sooner, I appreciate all of the advice given.
I had/have a MASSIVE backlog of orders to clear today.

OP posts:
Wigbert · 19/01/2017 19:17

OMG you are brave to answer the door and well done for sticking up for yourself. I'm afraid I have no advice but I think you are doing the right thing by stepping back and leaving her to your DH and FIL to deal with.

Good luck this evening.

PovertyJetset · 19/01/2017 19:19

Oh my goodness, that was so brave! You must be reeling.

Thanks for updating. It's awful for you. Just awful. What a horrible woman.

hawaiibaby · 19/01/2017 19:21

Wow well done op! On both the fil chat and ESPECIALLY with Mil. You must have been shaking from it but hope you were proud of yourself for standing up to her.

I really think you need to move though! Now you know from fil that this is 'her way' especially Shock

Soubriquet · 19/01/2017 19:22

Well done Op

Firm but fair in your responses

I doubt much will change though

FIL will continue to bury his head and MIL will decide tomorrow you didn't mean it

Moving away is your only option really

Maybe you could use it as a threat?

"If you don't stop bothering me whilst I'm at work, me and dh will move and then you really will lose him"

Actually no that's probably a bad idea..she could get worse

YouTheCat · 19/01/2017 19:23

I'd would totally lose it if someone dared to speak to me like that on my own doorstep.

Your fil isn't going to be any help. Your dh needs to tell her it stops now or you'll be moving away.

Clutterbugsmum · 19/01/2017 19:26

Well done Yellowblinds.

I think the only way forward is a face to face meeting with both of them, and tell anymore harassment from you will have no alternative but to involve the police.

I would seriously look to move to the otherside of the country at least 1 hour away from them.

And if your dh or fil start with she's always been like this tell them both that may be but she will not act this to you and you will not tolerate it, and they need to stop excuse her bad/childish behavior.

ItsThatBeverleyMacca · 19/01/2017 19:27

Blocking the door with her foot?
PMT?
Young lady?

I'm absolutely agog at her. How can she think that's an ok thing to do? You've done so well today Cake Wine

Butteredpars1ps · 19/01/2017 19:28

Well done you. [Flowers]. There will probably me more to follow, but you have drawn a clear red line. Wine and can be a team with DH from now on.

CoraPirbright · 19/01/2017 19:29

I was beginning to feel a little sorry for her as I couldn't see how her behaviour wasn't evidence of some sort of MH problem. However after your update with info from FIL and how she treated you on your own doorstep (how about an apology for calling you a bitch??) I have bugger all sympathy for her. I'd put the house on the market tomorrow in all honesty. She is an utter utter nightmare - if she was just extremely needy then that would be one thing but she is actually really horrible too so you don't need to feel any guilt at all.

GabsAlot · 19/01/2017 19:29

op if thats the case then u have to move

if she thinks its just a control thing then to9ugh shes going to lose her son over it and fil just isnt helping matters

he doesnt seem to care that she stands there banging in your door day and night?

MrsBlennerhassett · 19/01/2017 19:31

'young lady'?!??!!? oh my days you have to move away from there. Idve lost my shit so hard if anyone said that to me. You are a true hero for your calm but firm responses.

GabsAlot · 19/01/2017 19:31

*he thinks

Moanranger · 19/01/2017 19:31

I think the MH/dementia idea is a red herring. She has some sort of personality disorder ( narcissist, borderline) but is functional. There are more people than we like to think that are out there like this, causing aggro to all & sundry. Just a quick look in the Relationship board is eye opening.
So FIL has coped by shutting down/ignoring MIL. Op & her DH will have to work out their own coping strategy, which long-term may be by moving. Since there is no real MH issue, then maybe talk informally to police (can you speak to a community support officer, someone who deals with domestic abuse?) to see if there is any mileage in the harassment angle? I think OP may need to either figure out somewhere else to work (library nearby?) or create some very serious physical obstacles to MIL getting to her house.
Obviously FIL should be stepping up, but chocolate teapot springs to mind.

HanShootsFirst · 19/01/2017 19:31

Good for you! Those calm controlled responses are the kind I think of hours after the incident!

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 19/01/2017 19:32

Well done. I've been lurking. That was really well done.

RTKangaMummy · 19/01/2017 19:33

My goodness you really had the power and positive vibes from MN to be strong like that

Well done - after reading her words from today she has mega controlling issues rather than MH problems

I think you need to get cctv cameras with sound put by the front door on outside and maybe inside pointing at doorway so that you can show what happened to all three of them if it ever happens again her forcing her foot into the hall

Hope you are left in peace for next 3 hours to do some work to catch up Smile

Atenco · 19/01/2017 19:34

I hope you are able to get some work done now. I find it really hard to concentrate after a scene. Flowers

KatieScarlett · 19/01/2017 19:35

Another voice in the "well done" chorus. Hope you and DH can come up with a plan to deal with this.

HashiAsLarry · 19/01/2017 19:35

Well done.

Assuming your FIL's assessment to be decent and that he's not just in denial about her MH, it does seem like she has some control issues. Given she's apparently done this to other friends I'm not sure these are directly of people, I'd hazard a guess that its food. Control the people, control the food.

happypoobum · 19/01/2017 19:37

He told me that she's always been like this, she has driven away a few friends by being similar and that it is just "her way". When I mentioned dementia, he told me that he was a carer to his own mother for years with dementia and there are no simalarities. He said she's not ill, she just likes things to be under control.

Yes - this rings true,and it means that NOTHING will change no matter what you do.

TBH I wouldn't have opened the door to her, you have just taught her that if she persists you will open it. Setting a boundary is just a challenge to her. She doesn't see you as a real person with rights or autonomy. You are just someone who may be useful to her. For lifts, to talk at, to bitch at.

I think you will have to move, but wait until everything is very finalised - when you have exchanged contracts - before telling her. She will throw a MAJOR episode. I hope DH has the backbone to support you through this, am sure it's not what you signed up for. Flowers

winewolfhowls · 19/01/2017 19:37

Well handled op. I cannot believe that fil is so freaking useless he's as bad as her. If it were me I would be calling his work every bloody time she bothers you.

cafenoirbiscuit · 19/01/2017 19:37

I'm in awe of your response Flowers
I'm also furious about the comment about PMT and 'young lady'. How patronising Angry
I'd want to move away after this.

MycatsaPirate · 19/01/2017 19:38

Well done for putting your foot down - literally!

How her husband puts up with living with her, I really don't know.

Clearly she has been enabled with this behaviour her whole life because no one has ever really attempted to get her to understand that it's just completely insane to be banging on peoples doors, trying to post a cat in the house or any of the other crazy things she does.

SparkyStar84 · 19/01/2017 19:38

Have you told your DH at appts everything is fine, nothing to worry about, no gland problem?

Thyroid would have been tested for with diabetes. Not sure what gland problem would make a person obese.

This is not your issue and you need to tell DH to grow a pair and tell his DM that you are not her slave. You are working, if you are not working you have to catch up, which eats into personal time. He doesn't need to be rude, she'll probably try and manipulate him, but he's a man and needs to support you.