MIL and being obese

[YellowBlinds]

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP you may want to have your neighbor tell your DH what she saw of MIL's behavior. As an impartial observer she may be effective in communicating severity of the situation.

Hope everything went ok with FIL?

You need large electric gates, prickly bushes by the windows and maybe even that frosted glass film... yes you will miss your view and feel like a prisoner.... or you could move. I would probably move.

OP has probably stayed out of her home to avoid the MIL and her antics today. What the hell is she playing at, roping her cat into her shenanigans last night.

Seriously, I would have lost my temper long ago with her - and FIL too. for you OP.

Knowing some people with poor boundaries, I wonder if MIL will use the excuse of 'just being worried'. Clearly the eating dinner on doorstep, spending the entire evening going back and forth to the house, trying to achieve entry via cat (!), is not normal behaviour, but as MIL was not told to stay away in the evening, DH isn't at home and OP not answering phone - she may claim to fear something had happened to OP.

There probably does have to be explicit rules set down. I don't think she will obey them, but at least that way there can be no doubt that she's not just worried, she's ignoring your wishes.

I agree with PP - this is a full blown personality disorder and there is very little GP or MH professionals will be able to do about it.

I would move as far away as I could as quickly as possible.If DH wants to stay in contact with her that's up to him but for your own protection, and the protection of any DC you might have, you need to stay away from her now.

Shamelessly rubbernecking.

Move. You're taking the flak that her husband should be. I too think that there may have been an unspoken push to get you to take responsibility for her - she's a year younger than I am, dammit, not someone of an age to need 'help'.

I hope your okay Yellowand I really hope you haven't gone and spoken to your MIL without your DH with you.

Even if this is not a treatable mental health issue, I think op and dh should approach mil doctor, and tell doc the frequency and type of her bingeing. They may say they can't treat unless she asks for help, it they should note it on records.

Can someone go and look through OP's window just in case?

Glad that I only had to deal with PA and martyrdom from my ex MIL.

And I thought my MIL was bad. OP, yours sounds actually scary.
I moved literally half way around the world to get away from mine, i can recommend it as an effective course of action

Good grief OP. Hope you are ok

Yeah it's genuinely scary behavior. What's the latest from DH? If this continues you're going to have little choice but to involve the police.

It's just a nightmare what ever the reason for her behaviour!

op

RedGrapeCornSnake I agree. Living in a different country is the best way to tolerate inlaws ime.

I have much sympathy - lots of this is all too familiar. My FIL has form for all sorts of shit like this - which culminated in him driving his car directly at his son (my DH) and flipping him onto the bonnet. He phoned us , went off on one, ranting away - I was a whore, a bitch - everything he could think of.
Turns out he has dementia. We are 10 years down the line though. At the outset I called his GP for advice and was totally dismissed. GP then told FIL I'd called about him - which went down reeaaalllly well as you can imagine I'd advise caution!

I'd have killed her by now. Tell her straight she's grossly obese and has no medical condition other than putting too much food in her mouth.
Refuse to take her anywhere and change the goddamned locks.
i would not put up with that shit.

OP - hoping you are OK.
Don't know what to say other than this is a nightmare situation and get help.
You cannot and should not be expected to deal with this alone.
Record everything as others have suggested - CCTV seems like a great idea so you have evidence to go with your words.
If your MILs GP is sympathetic, that might be a good place to start.

Worrying about you now....

It is a bit worrying that the op hasn't returned after such regular updates. Hope all is well.

Op??? Hope you're alright and not rocking in a corner somewhere with MIL banging on the door!

Not read the replies yet, I will do in a sec.

I drove to see FIL at work - it took a lot of effort to get anything out of him at all. He kept on shrugging it off.
He said he was aware that she was "in and out" last night but when he asked her what she was doing she just told him to mind his own business, so he did.
When I pointed out that she was banging on my door, trying to post the cat in etc he looked embarrassed and said "she is very determined, I know".
I told him that this was unacceptable and she needed to get help, as this is the sign of someone suffering from severe mental health problems.
He told me that she's always been like this, she has driven away a few friends by being similar and that it is just "her way". When I mentioned dementia, he told me that he was a carer to his own mother for years with dementia and there are no simalarities. He said she's not ill, she just likes things to be under control.

I told him that she'd eaten her dinner on my doorstep, and he said that she'd eaten dinner with him! So about that.

When I first came he asked if it could wait until after work (to delay it, there was no reason it couldn't have been then, he was on break), and I replied that "yes, it's really difficult when someone interrupts you whilst you are at work. Perhaps you could give me a lift to the shops before I go though? And tomorrow too?" (not nastily)
He conceded that he understood my point.

FIL didn't really have any solutions, he is sure she isn't suffering from mental health problems - he's fairly savvy with MH issues and he has been married to her for 30 odd years so I'll trust him on that one for now

MIL came around again this afternoon, banged on the door for about 15 minutes until I conceded and opened it.
She immediately launched into a tirade about suffering with her knees (shouldn't have been climbing up my flower beds then) and about how she "doesn't know what the matter is, but its unfair to take it out on me!"
It was AWFUL but I pretended that all the Mumsnet folk were behind me and I stated that "I can't talk now, I have to work. I work from 8am to 6pm. You will not interupt me during these hours. If you need emergency care, then please contact FIL. DH will come and see you when he's back."
She kept on interupting me but I just carried on louder (I think I repeated myself two or three times ) and once I was sure she'd actually heard all of it, I went to close the door.

She blocked it with her foot and said "don't take out your PMT on me, young lady" to which I replied "MIL, you called me a bitch to (DH) and then faked a heart attack because of this - I do not want to talk to you. Leave me alone." (I'd rehearsed it) pushed her foot out of the way with my own (didn't kick! just slid it away) and closed the door, with the chain.

She hasn't actually contacted me since then, she's probably really upset - I'm trying not to think about it.

DH is due home at about 10pmish (yay!) so we'll come up with a game plan then.

I'm assuming the OP is feeling that if this is a medical problem she doesn't want to shout about it on the Internet. It's one thing someone doing something stupid because they're selfish and another if they can't help it. Far as Im concerned the jury's out on which it is!

She may also be comforting her DH- must be a hell of a thing to come home to.

That said, from the point of view of an Internet gawker hope she comes back with gossip!

Oops cross post