MIL and being obese

[YellowBlinds]

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

Hello, I just read through this entire thread...mmm gosh.

What a stressful situation.

I'm not sure this is a mental health issue, it sounds more to me like a personality disorder and reaction to boundary enforcement by you. I say this as someone with zero qualifications and from the comfort of the other side of the internet. But really, with the pressure on mental health services and the fact you can't do a whole lot about personality disorders I'm not sure pursuing mental health route will yield much. She's not a danger to herself or others, she's just a massive nuisance at the moment. She's also clearly in pain but sadly it sounds as though she doesn't have the insight to fix this. Importantly it's not your job to fix her either.

So what can you do? Establish your own boundaries, get support from your DH, and be prepared for her to kick off even more. Be prepared to not be controlled by her tantrums. What she wants is to establish control. What you need is to not give a crap whether she sits on the doorstep or not. That is her choice, unfortunately. It's kind of not really anything to do with you. If it wasn't this, she'd find something else to be victimised by. If she starts weeping at you, suggest that she sounds upset and maybe she'd like to talk about it later. Employ nanny training, and don't let her behaviour dictate your behaviour.

I wouldn't invest much in FIL intervention either. He has his own way of coping, and it's a pattern set up over years. You do need DH to have your back, although it's hard for him as it's his Mum so maybe work out some 'if, then' plans about what you'll both do.

I always thought this advice column was useful captainawkward.com/2012/05/14/247-marrying-into-a-family-with-awful-boundary-issues-or-secrets-of-dealing-with-highly-difficult-people/

I would also start planning exit route re proximity to them. You may be able to get this boundary re your time enforced, but there will always be another battle and it could be exhausting. It may need to be a long term plan, but would probably make your life easier knowing that this is not forever.

My (not quite) MIL is also exhausting, but not at all in the same league. We are able to maintain a relationship while having boundaries.

Best of luck with your FiL OP. I have to say I think you are handling things extremely well considering the situation, I hope you manage to put some boundaries in place soon

Oh my goodness. I hope your talk with FIL has an impact.

OP, I agree you urgently need to talk to FIL, but as a PP said, is ambushing him at work the best idea? Unless I've misunderstood and you're meeting by arrangement. (Although I also realise this comes too late as you've probably already spoken to him.)

So sorry this happened last night - how stressful for you, and what a good decision to be out. I agree that this has gone postal now.

I think I would be urgently installing a (concealed) CCTV camera on the property. Today if possible.

I know it won't make any difference, but I think you need to tell MIL, or get DH / FIL to tell her, that she is for the time being absolutely banned from communicating with you at all, or entering your property under any circumstances. DH will have to visit her at her house. It probably won't stop her behaviour but at least an absolutely clear edict like that is easier to enforce: not that she can't call / visit "except outside of working hours / by arrangement / in an emergency", just that she may never, ever under any circumstances call you or come to your doorstep.

I just think it will simplify matters, as she won't be able to justify any breaches to herself by any kind of mad baroque narrative she dreams up.

I am dying to hear what FIL has to say about his role in last night's shenanigans. He must be terrified of her to have let it go on.

Has anyone ever said no to her before?
My MIL had to be centre of attention/in control - not in a big noisy way but using moaning/pity/fake illness.
This behaviour is usually enabled and when others don't follow I think it's a total surprise to them.

This thread contains a lot of unpleasant comments along the lines of batshit crazy, nutter, she's mad etc...........

MIL may or may not have a mental health issue, that's not my point, but some of the comments here are horrible

Also I agree that there's no way this hasn't been rumbling along for a long time. I think OP and her husband moving closer has exacerbated things and recent confrontations have sent her into some kind of crisis.

I think everyone involved would be happier if you moved away. Your lovely gesture of moving closer was the right thing to do at the time with the information you had available to you, and it's so so terrible that it's gone sour like this, but it really has.

Also damn good point upthread about whether MIL should be on the road until a diagnosis comes through.

I think going to see FIL out of home is a good plan, over coffee break/lunch. OP will be able to tell him just what she is doing face to face, when is she going to get to speak to him alone otherwise?
This also doubles as being useful as she is out of the house when MIL is hammering on her door.
IMHO, FIL will say She's your H's mother, & he has take some of the load. (ie. I can't stand it anymore) The problem being of course, your H isn't the one being tormented.

Wow your MIL is completely crazy. You shouldn't have to hide and worry about being constantly stalked in your own home. You should seriously thinking about moving OP.

How did talking to FIL go OP? Where was he last night when it was all going on?

what you are seeing is an 'extinction burst'. It is a known and proven psychological reaction to the change in your behaviour. MIL has previously been able to get what she wants by behaving in this way, so her (quite possibly ought process will be that in order to get what she wants, she must up the anti and behave worse/more strongly and usually also more frequently. To her, the behaviour in the past has paid off and therefore the logical way to get what she wants in her mind is to simply do the same thing more vigorously.

Here is a link which explains it much better than I have!

www.dailykos.com/story/2011/3/12/938466/-

OP, how was the film?

I also wonder about OP's OP, in which she wrote 'we moved closer to be more helpful'. To whom? Was it always supposed to be you dealing with this, unbeknown to you, OP?

A bit off topic, and sorry if this is nosy. When your mil takes food from your house, is it leftovers, "sensible stuff" or a straight forward sugar raid. What she is taking might give you some insight into her motivation. That knowledge might help her (and her doc) but obviously your actions should remain the same.

How did it go OP?

If you start letting her in again get fridge/cupboard locks and keep all the sugary stuff in the locked cupboard.

I wonder if she's "dieting" in front of FIL & topping up her levels at the OP's house.

I'm also curious as to why you moved to be helpful to two such young people.

If MIL is mentally unwell, should Op still just put up with what is going on, especially if MIL won't seek help?

thetemptationof 52 is definitely young. To be honest, I come from a family where people have tended to have children later so I am always surprised by a MIL being that age. Nowadays many women that age are looking after their own school age children, usually alongside working full time.

The MIL here is possibly quite ill. It could be severe personality disorder but if that is the case, she will have had it for decades and your DH would be very familiar with it. I would make getting medical help, perhaps through the police, an absolute priority here. Like, today. Keep a log of all incidents and seriously consider involving the police.

I think speaking to her GP is priority as I doubt that you'll get her there.

Depending on how good they are they can either call her in for a "well woman" check up or claim "confidentiality " and do nothing.

If they do nothing or the GP consultation doesn't get anywhere, I would suggest going to the police.

They can then go and speak to her and she may act up to them and it will be taken further. Or they may advice a restraining order which when she breaks it they will arrest her and she will hopefully receive some medical assessment then

"To be honest, I come from a family where people have tended to have children later so I am always surprised by a MIL being that age."

Same here Baylisiana. I'm 58 and DD is 16. I can't imagine being a MIL, and don't expect to be, if at all, for a good many years.

welovepancakes I think the unbelievable and ridiculous behaviour displayed by the MIL has surprised everyone, hence the comments.

Are you ok, YellowBlinds?

How have you not completely lost your temper with her?
I'm getting cross just reading about it