MIL and being obese

[YellowBlinds]

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

But if there's nothing medical and it's "just" her personality, a personality disorder, addiction to food/you, then you have to move. FIL has shown his true colours and he isn't getting old and unwell, he's just fed up and run down

God, what a nightmare.

Thankful for my own lovely MIL (now sadly passed) who would have been horrified at this. She must be unwell; this is simply not normal behaviour. There's attention seeking and manipulation, but actually bringing your dinner and eating it on someone's doorstep in January in the dark, is bonkers!

FIL is going to have to step up and be a bit more proactive in this - he cannot simply wash his hands of it and stay at work, expecting your work to be interrupted whilst you deal with her.

She just gets worse and worse,I think you may have to talk to your DH about moving OP.

No matter what your MIL has going on her behaviour around you sounds very worrying,I honestly wouldn't engage with her at all unless your DH and FIL are with you.

I hope the talk goes well with your FIL and I hope your DH is home soon and keep yourself safe!

NicknameUsed said 'She is so young'

NicknameUsed I love you. I recently turned 52 and have been feeling a bit down about it. You have cheered me up no end with that statement. Now I can say I am not old I am YOUNG! It's official :)

If she carries on , she might escalate, your negligent fil will have to face unavoidable embarrassment and possible public concern (someone might call the police community support officers). Maybe he might relocate to avoid this, taking her with him.

Jesus I just realised my small and mil are the same age and they would never behave like this!! Luckily for me I actually get on better with mil, I really hope it gets better for you op and she realises she can't behave this way

It might be an idea for FIL to learn to drive if he can (or start testing taxi companies) as I suspect MIL isn't very safe on the roads if her behaviour elsewhere is like this. And if you do move away she needs to have no access to a car or she may still turn up.

I hope your talk with FIL goes well today OP.
It certainly does seem that she is deteriorating: when you originally asked for her not to come round while you were working she did manage it for a few days, although things slipped back. This time she has been completely unable/unwilling to comply, and certainly her subsequent behaviour does appear to be way above what most of us would consider entitled/thoughtless/narc/to be avoided behaviour and into complete irrationality. I agree with PP who suggest a word with the GP is in order.
When you moved to be local to them to support your FIL as he is getting older.....was it him or her who suggested he was unwell?

I suspect strongly she doesn't have dementia, but that she is just manipulative. I'm not sure someone with dementia would have the wit to fake a heart attack or pretend to lose their keys.

Of course it's a possibility & if it is that, she needs a proper cognitive assessment & appropriate treatment.

I too think it sounds like a personality disorder that has escalated due to being so close and always available.
Her behaviour last night is worrying, the fact she and FIL can't see how invasive and bizarre it is is also extremely worrying.
I hope somehow you get the penny to drop with FIL today and some positive action can be taken because things certainly can't carry on the way they are.

Wow! I kniw this is conjecture but what would have happened if she had got in, i wonder?

I suggest to the OP that she asks MNHQ to amend the title of her thread.
MIL being obese is not the problem.
MIL being batshit is the problem

If she has always had these tendencies I would wonder about borderline personality disorder, or another personality disorder. Perhaps her behaviour has ramped up with recent changes eg you moving closer, perhaps FIL has disengaged more recently.

I hope talk with fil goes ok it prob won't though

It's been suggested but I think you really need to sit down with all of you they need to see you both as a United front and fil needs to hear what his wife is being told. You also need to say to him that he is dh's paren't too so why is he allowing his son and wife to treated like this (it's besides the point that the person doing it is his wife)

I'd also say in fron of fil too if she can't respect the simple and fair boundries you both have put in place then you will need to involve others like the police etc because it could be seen as harassment. I'd warn them that your looking at moving because this will not be tolerated anymore.

if it was me though I'd move

I don't have any experience with MIL or FIL as my DH parents had died before we were together and don't have any experience with MH or PD

I do think that OP should ask neighbour to video the behaviour from outside, if she is there watching anyway and note down times etc and OP should install cctv camera that will record her visits as I think you need to have evidence to show medical people and/or police also show it to MIL & FIL and see what reaction you get cos I wonder if it is NOT a medical condition if she watches it and then knows what the neighbours are seeing and hearing she MIGHT change thru embarrassment

Also, keep a detailed log of phone calls and texts, you could get a phone with the CALL GUARDIAN on it cos that has lots of settings, - do not disturb and announced calls

Give her number a "silent" ringtone so it doesn't disturb you and just rings (for her) and silence for you 

I think you should not be with her unless you have a recording setting on your phone, so you have a record of what is said

I think it is a good idea to say that DH will take her shopping each Saturday morning at 10am and you will go there for tea each Sunday afternoon at 4pm - or whatever times etc works for you and DH so she knows when visits will happen and only at those days/times chosen by you and DH

I do slightly worry that moving away might make her worse and you then wouldn't know if/when she cries wolf when it was actually serious and then your DH might be very angry and resentful and maybe blame you for wanting to move away

I have just found this thread.

I am shocked that anyone could behave like this.

It does sound like an addiction - it seems she's desperate for access to the property rather than to you, OP, is doing anything she can do get it and is hateful to you for thwarting it - could it be food addiction / shame at having to confess to FIL that she has been eating secretly? Shame can be a powerful driver.

Was fil aware she was around that late at night? If he was home from work by then, and lives so close, why didn't he notice and say something to her (mil).
If be having firm words with the both of them about boundaries. If they can't respect them, time to move

I was just thinking about the only person I knew who would act in this way and that was my alcoholic Xp. The eating dinner on your doorstep could also be indicative of secretly eating away from fil.

How did it go? I am betting he knows what she is doing, & lets her get on with it for peace & quiet., as PP mentioned above, he is probably depressed & diminished because of her lunacy behaviour.
I think your OH should be the one to contact the GP, FIL won't dare, & you will be held up as an interfering demon if it's you.

Oh my goodness. Poor you! That's a lot to deal with. Such an awkward situation as well.

Was fil aware she was around that late at night?

That's what I'm wondering, I suspect if he's just letting her get on with it that she's probably had a much longer history of this type of behaviour than the OP's been led to believe.

Chances are, he's slipped into the "anything for a quiet life" role and things don't normally escalate this far because she's constantly mollified.

^^Or I'm projecting from my own MIL experiences

Hope things improve very quickly OP