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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:
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5
JennyOnAPlate · 19/01/2017 09:15

Where was fil whilst mil was eating her dinner on your doorstep?

MolyBoly · 19/01/2017 09:16

Bloody hell, good job you were out OP. Hope you get something sensible out of FIL.
You have to move or it will never stop.

LumelaMme · 19/01/2017 09:18

Good luck, OP.

Your MIL's behaviour has gone past the sort of batshit control-freakery that the perpetrator is deliberately orchestrating into what sounds to me (not an expert) like MH issues.

Blatherskite · 19/01/2017 09:25

I think FiL has lost the right to appropriate and convenient when he sat on his arse last night and let his wife spend the evening banging on the OPs door and trampling her plants!! She took her bloody dinner over to eat on the doorstep FFS!

tabithakitty · 19/01/2017 09:31

Defo not being unreasonable. Get your key back and get your DH to speak to her. I have worked from home in the past and it's so annoying when folk think you're just loafing! Would be good if your DH could support you; will count for much more and will stop her trying to come between you. lol at poster above with weird friend who thought she was God's gift

blueskyinmarch · 19/01/2017 09:33

I rather think that your MIL has an overwhelming obsession with you. She doesn't dislike you at all. I suspect she is stuck in a dissatisfying marriage with no job, no interests and little to preoccupy her time so she fills it with being preoccupied with you. I guess this is probably obvious to you but at first i thought it was about her DS and you somehow being seen to have ‘stolen’ him but i think it is not that. I do worry about the state pf her mental health because it sounds like things have escalated now you have disrupted the status quo. I have no idea how you stop this or get her to see sense. I wonder if she is past seeing sense. You really need to talk to FIL as a mattter of urgency and decide if you should contact her GP. I am sorry you are having to cope with all this OP but it sounds like your DH and your NATR are very supportive.

juneau · 19/01/2017 09:37

I'm seriously worried about her sanity - she is behaving in a thoroughly deranged and obsessive manner - so yes speak to FIL.

As for the call to the GP - I doubt FIL's ability to communicate the seriousness or the urgency of the problem. Therefore the call could come from your DH or you. Since he's away and the matter is urgent then a call from you today would be appropriate. Her behaviour certainly needs to be checked out though. It could be menopause, stroke, early signs of dementia, depression, any number of things, but neither she nor you can live like this any longer. She needs help - right now.

Formerpigwrestler9 · 19/01/2017 09:37

She is starting to sound psychotic/ hypo manic?

Butteredpars1ps · 19/01/2017 09:39

Good luck OP. My guess is that FIL is out of his depth. I'm inclined to agree with the posters who have suggested that he has been covering for her. Probably for quite some time.

Supporting him - by giving him strategies and permission- to tackle this may be an option, though he may be so much in MIL's thrall that he can't pull himself out of it.

I think the GP is a good idea. Although MH problems sound like the issue, overstretched MH services will want to exclude a physical cause of her MH issues. Given her obesity, other problems may co-exist. It needs face to face assessment though. Not diagnosis by Mumsnet Grin

Good luckFlowers

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 19/01/2017 09:40

Was your mil really completely normal before you moved close to her? Or was there some odd behavior that wasn't such a big deal when you saw her infrequently?

Getting medical help would mean taking her to her GP. Maybe your dh could take her and say he is worried about her. The consultation will probably be a nightmare as she will cry and argue, and the poor GP will probably need a stiff drink to recover after. But if it is a recent drastic change in personality it is worth seeing her GP to think about any medical causes, or help. You really need to taje her to the consultation, as her GP can't do much without seeing her.

I worked in A&E and mental health previously and it wasnt uncommon to see women faking seizures/ collapses etc for attention, sympathy, love from others. If your MIL has another incident that you think is fake i would seek appropriate medical help (in case it is genuine), but don't otherwise react and fuss around her. Hopefully that was just a one off though.

I would formulate a plan with your dh about when you will see MIL. Then stick to it. Eg. "Dh will call you on wednesday evening. If you need anything from the shop dh will get it on Saturday, and he'll pop round for an hour that afternoon. We won't be able to answer our phones at other times, we will call you back on Wednesday". Then she knows when her next contact is, and that she needs to wait until then. Choose a plan that you can both stick to without responding sooner due to guilt. Any "emergencies" I would try to get dealt with by someone else "boiler not working? I'll text you a number for a plumber. No, I won't be over till Saturday remember, you need to call a plumber. Goodbye"

She will massively ramp up her behaviour with new boundaries, and there will be more fake emergencies, but if you hold them firm she will either calm down and reluctantly accept them, or become so unbearable that your dh will decide to stop contact!

coconutpie · 19/01/2017 09:42

She sounds like she's just gone completely mad. Do not engage at all with her now - I know you haven't since the other night but continue to ignore her. She is harassing you now. I would honestly call the police next time she comes over screaming like a lunatic. Let them deal with her. Get a restraining order if you need to.

FurryLittleTwerp · 19/01/2017 09:50

Shock Shock Shock

I wonder what she'll try next - do you have a chimney that she could fit down ?

ReggaeShark · 19/01/2017 09:50

Text her to say she's harrassing you and you're blocking her number.

FurryLittleTwerp · 19/01/2017 09:52

Please go & join the neighbour for a cup of tea later & watch the antics - no point wasting more money on going to the cinema Grin

Lumberries · 19/01/2017 09:52

I hate to say it but this does sound like early onset dementia :( Personal experience: I used to be a HCA and worked 121 with a lady who developed dementia in her early 50's. She was the most lovely, placid character for the first 6 months but it progressed very quickly and by the end of my time working with her she was violent, obsessive over small things and extremely paranoid.

The problem is, when a younger person develops dementia they have the fitness and strength they always had but without the mental capacity, so you end up with a very mobile, very unpredictable person :( It's also often overlooked because people relate dementia to the elderly, not realizing that it can hit at any time.

She could have been having mini strokes (TIA's) for a while which is one of the main causes of vascular dementia in the young, if they happened in her sleep she wouldn't know about them.

If not dementia, she could be suffering some serious depression. I'd contact her GP and go and see them, explain the behaviour you've witnessed and go from there.

thinkimcrazy · 19/01/2017 09:54

Well done op!! Does your dh know what happened yet? Hoping he's still supportive of you xx

PurpleDaisies · 19/01/2017 09:54

Please go & join the neighbour for a cup of tea later & watch the antics - no point wasting more money on going to the cinema Grin

Yeah, it's hilarious watching someone behaving like that, probably because they're unwell. Hmm

Bensyster · 19/01/2017 09:56

Lumberries I agree there is something medically wrong here.

frumpet · 19/01/2017 09:58

MIL clearly needs help , good luck OP .

Sabistick · 19/01/2017 10:06

Just thinking, MIL may have a personality disorder, based on "you know what she's like", people feeling like they have to adapt to her expressed needs. This may not be mental illness (PD not treated as such, as far as I'm aware). Looks like one household has to move. Does it have to be yours?

thinkimcrazy · 19/01/2017 10:06

Is she like this when dh or fil are around?

ohfourfoxache · 19/01/2017 10:12

Holy. Fucking. Shit Shock

You need to move.

LaContessaDiPlump · 19/01/2017 10:15

I believe there are documented links between obesity, diabetes and dementia op; even if she does seem young for dementia, other factors could predispose her to it.

SeaEagleFeather · 19/01/2017 10:18

What do I do about it from a mental health perspective? Do I call her GP?

you can, but I don't think they will do anything. But it's the first step on externally documenting her behaviour, which will be useful because she might carry on like this for a while. She might stop coming round (might) ... but when your husband is home, another little dose of chaos will break loose.

There's a chance things will get better in the long run but as everyone says, you must keep your boundaries up.

Tbh from my experience of dealing with someone like this, 1) there is no rationality within them that you can get through to and 2) it's one hell of an upheaval but you really might be better off moving. When you have a crazed woman like this very near by and her attention is focussed on you, it's a constant strain that you aren't even aware of until you are freed from it.

Will you be going out again tonight?

LonelyImSoLonely · 19/01/2017 10:21

I think if the FIL won't engage outside of work then going to work to get his attention is needed.
Agree could be MH related and to get her to the GP. Or you could write the GP a letter from the 3 of you with all the details. He won't be able to discuss it and information will be one way. Although if she starts the behaviour up again today maybe a call to the surgery and ask to speak to the on call doctor as you're worried about her mental health and don't know what to do about her strange behaviour.