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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
HashiAsLarry · 19/01/2017 08:17

Make sure you have the headphones out again today so you can get some work done too.

Soubriquet · 19/01/2017 08:17

Well you know why she brought the cat round don't you?

She has an excuse to knock your door down

"My poor cat was stuck and I couldn't bear to see him meowing like that. Sorry yellow but at least I was here to protect your house from robbers ey"

Original poster
YellowBlinds · 19/01/2017 08:17

What do I do about it from a mental health perspective? Do I call her GP?

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowBlinds · 19/01/2017 08:18

Soubriquet presumably she thought I was sat in the house, cat would come blundering in and I'd have to bring him/her back (not sure which one it is)

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 19/01/2017 08:22

WTF! Did she think the cat was going to open the door for her?! Grin Cat burglar😼

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 19/01/2017 08:24

It's fine talking to FIL at work, but you need all 4 of you to sit down together at some point.

PurpleDaisies · 19/01/2017 08:28

I think your best bet is to send your dh round to talk to her. Do you think she'd listen to him if you weren't there? He probably needs to come at it from the point of being very worried about how she's been behaving and (while not excusing it in the slightest and making clear it's not acceptable) he wants her to talk to her gp and see if there's anything going on. You can all to the gp yourself for advice but they won't be able to discuss her personally.

Bluntness100 · 19/01/2017 08:30

I also agree there is a mental health issue at play here. Eating her dinner on uour doorstep? Calling you 12 times? Faking a heart attack? Peering in through uour window and trying to send her cat in? Lying about her keys, calling uou cruel.

I think uou and uour husband need to speak to your father in law. He can't be at work all the time, so must be fully aware of what she's doing, even if it's just the evening stuff when she eats dinner on uour doorstep.

Her behaviour is beyond irrational. The neighbours having to get involved and escorting her home isn't ok, that stuff does get old real fast. She needs help, and your father in law needs to get invoked, as does your husband, it's not ok it's all on you,

JanuaryMoods · 19/01/2017 08:34

I think you need to take a step back and go no contact with her.

Your DH and FiL are going to have to deal with this. She needs help and they have to realise this, it's so far away from normal behaviour and it's escalating.

NicknameUsed · 19/01/2017 08:38

You really do need to install some CCTV. Take photos of your trampled flowerbed as well. This woman sounds quite unhinged.

As horrible as it might sound if you get the police involved because of the harrassment it will speed things up with regard to getting medical intervention. They will get social services involved.

It sounds like it may be possible that she has the beginnings of frontal lobe dementia, even though she is so young.

ipswichwitch · 19/01/2017 08:49

I'd be interested to know what FIL was doing when she was trampling your flowers and eating dinner on the doorstep. He's not taking this problem at all seriously, or most likely, letting her do whatever as it gives him an easy life.

LeghamSparkl · 19/01/2017 08:51

OP- can you go out today until your DH comes home. This is so batshit crazy and as others have said it is escalating. I know you said you have vital equipment you need to work from home at home, but I really think for today you ought to be somewhere else.

PidgeyfinderGeneral · 19/01/2017 08:52

Holy cow. That is not normal, even for an over-clingy MiL. I think your DH and FiL need to step up and get her some medical help.

icy121 · 19/01/2017 08:52

Agree with Nickname - because of cuts to healthcare and social spending, going via the police will get her referred more quickly to SS - albeit sorry to say, I'm not sure what they would be able to offer; if MIL is being supported by FIL and doesn't need to hold a job down and has a home etc she won't be classed as vulnerable. So won't be high on the list.

Talk to FIL today and yes get onto rightmove pronto and get the fuck out.

As an obese lady at 52, being very harsh but honest, she's unlikely to make it to her 70s, or if she does she probably will not be physically well.

DartmoorDoughnut · 19/01/2017 08:55

God you poor thing! She definitely sounds obsessed Sad

cafenoirbiscuit · 19/01/2017 08:57

Nothing to say that hasn't already been said - hold your ground! I'm not sure you can realistically get any work done with this going on, let alone get any peace and quiet. Hope today brings some resolution somehow.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 19/01/2017 08:57

Shock so pleased you went out. What's your game plan for today?

In all seriousness, this does have the potential to destabilise/undermine your marriage. Please do take care OP.

PovertyJetset · 19/01/2017 08:59

I think she has gone mad! What a performance. Get your neighbour to video it next time???

BeyondTheStarryNight · 19/01/2017 08:59

I'd speak to a PCSO for advice. Someone who is behaving so weirdly, it would not be outside the realms of possibility for her to become violent with you.

BeyondTheStarryNight · 19/01/2017 09:01

Honestly, I'm not convinced that talking to fil will make any difference or solve anything. If he were capable of dealing with her, she wouldn't have been there.

Mamia15 · 19/01/2017 09:05

I would be concerned for your personal safety - she sounds really extreme,

Original poster
YellowBlinds · 19/01/2017 09:06

I'm about to set off to FIL now, thank you to everyone for your advice Smile

OP posts:
FearandLoathinginLasVegas · 19/01/2017 09:10

You need to create some distance.

Take a bit longer to reply to texts and phone
Forget to reply sometimes
Get 'busier' at work/wifis' broken so you need to work at library/any excuse
Double lock the door from the inside, when you are in at work, make up something like 'there was a break in down the road'
Lots of little things to put up boundaries again.

prettywhiteguitar · 19/01/2017 09:11

She's a narc like my mum, menopause made her worse for a while but actually what's upping her behaviour is that you are not doing what she wants.

I stood my ground finally and after all the crazy behaviour she started to respect my boundaries. Never be nice or kind but tolerate them otherwise they just start again.

If you still want to live there you can do it but you must stand your ground and eventually she will realise you mean it.

Give them an inch and they take a mile.

sonjadog · 19/01/2017 09:12

Why don't you just phone him?

I can't imagine something less appropriate or convenient than someone turning up at my work to have a meaningful conversation with me about private, family matters.